a test

i just cant take it any more.
it's got to stop,
it can't go on.
everything up till now
has been a test.
an emergency broadcasting systems
technical way of
finding out if something hideous happens
how i will react.

i think i failed the test.

my nightly rituals

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Don't Stop Believin'

Avicii vs. Journey



when it all comes down to it,
after all is said and one,
when you realize, one day, that,
you've seen the world through your very own eyes,
you've been in love,
a million times,
you've lived your life,
your way,
on your own terms,
good or bad,
through thick and thin,
you survived all the hardships and pains
that life threw at you,
and you're still here.
standing,
strong.
it's at that very moment when,
you take a deep breath,
sigh,
look around you, and, for just that moment in time,
you realize that,
the past is the past,
you've conqured your deamons,
pushed you limits,
gone as low as humanly possible, but, also,
through it all,
in the end,
it becomes crystal clear that,
you're just a smalltown girl...
livin' in a lonely world...
but, whatever...
your still here.



and somehow,
that's all that matters.

SKYPE scare

so, it happened, as it always will,
totally unexpectadly,
without zero warning,
and came upon me so fast that
it blindsided me and basically knocked me down
onto my hairy ass.
i, as usual,
was horny as fuck...but,
since i live upstate in the fuckin sticks,
and the only thing "hot" around here
is the weather in july,
i just don't get laid, ever.
so, i have made it a habit
completely out of necessity,
of fidnding some good sites with hot dudes on who,
are also isolated,
and meet them up and cam n stroke on Skype.
so far, i've collected nearly 2,000 buddies,
most of whom,
i'll never meet.
but theres a handful of dudes who, like clockwork,
are always on.
reliable, hot, hairy, muscled big dicked men,
most of whom are even hotter because,
they are married,
and sneak online to jerk a load out
when their wives are out grocery shopping.
nothing bones me more than a dude pushing a stroller,
but knowing he's at his own home while the cunt is out buying his dinner
takes that to another level.
so, last week,
while i was stroking my cock, pre-Skype,
i was on this twisted cam/meeting site i happened across
called http://www.trueswingers.com/
and i was chatting, naked of course,
on cam, with a hot blond beer bellied construction worker from Baltimore
who, after about 10 minutes on the tiny cams,
asked me if i was on Skype,
and so i sent him my name, and we made plans to meet right then.
i ran to turn Skype on, and when it opened up,
i already had a friend request from the hot fucker.
i accepted, and 1/2 a second later,
he im'd me, and within seconds
we were face to face, cock out stroking.
he started to tell me he may have to run out quick because
his wife had apparently
caught him in compromising situations
hairy balls out, on cam, with other men,
and for some reason, she didn't like it.
thinking that was just bullshit, cause, hello,
my screen name is that of a married dude wit 3 kids also,
and so i payed it no mind and just thought how hot it was that
this big hot hairy muscled stud who,
was probably just a fag in san francisco or something,
really was cool, cause,
he had his character tight, well thought out, and acted.
so there we were, stroking,
watching each others huge full nutsacks bounce between out thick hairy thighs when,
from out of nowhere,
i could see the door behind him
open wide, and,
all of a sudden, without enough time to warn him,
i saw a kid, maybe 7,
run in and scream "DADDY!"
and immediatly after, not even a second later,
i saw the image of a really pretty woman
carrying a paper shopping bag full of whats for diner,
behind him.
my mouth dropped, i panicked,
but i didn't even have enough time to speak when
i saw him, bareassed,
jump up, and all i saw next
was the laptop shut,
slam down, actually,
and then...
silence.

i was freaked out for another five minutes until it all made sense, and for the next hour or so, i sat in my room, computer off, scared to tuen Skype on again, and then, started laughing my ass off.

at last

it was never really
understood,
exactly how
or where
their friendship stood.
the minute that
their eyes did meet
he felt himself feel incomplete
at knowing that
for all this time
he had never had the chance
to find,
the true meaning of
his until right now defined
relationship
of
the humankind.
but not one made
that burns real fast
the friendship shared
was one to last.
something different
something good
was now becomming
understood.
for all the pain
held in the past
was over,
done,
finally,
at last.

just a memory

it's been a long strange journey. one where every single step was not only difficult, but it took every ounce of every breath of every second of every minute of every day, making every single moment of the entire trip seem like an eternity where, nothing was ever going to be right again. it stressed out and wore down the travelers for they never expected anything quite like what they were given. there was no one there to help guide the way, show them detours, or hold their hands in the dead of night when it seemed as if, all hope was lost and there maybe wouldn't be another day to wash away the tears.

but, somehow, through the terrible storms and hideous terrain, after the longest, darkest night, there was in fact, another dawn. and, although it's uncertain how, it was even brighter than the days before.
somehow, life went on, and al of the misery of the past, was just a memory.

amazing really...

amazing really,
when you think about it.
i mean, really calculate the time spent
and the energy wasted
and then,
compare it to the actual amount
of nothing,
that you accomplished.
literally,
if you think about it for as long as
one quater of the time you wasted,
you would probably be thinking about it,
for several hours,
as, you probably spent about what,
maybe twenty two hours in total?
that means you were then thinking
for over five hours.
but thinking of what?
i mean, really...
what did you get done in the twenty two hours you spent
sitting quietly in front of the computer,
watching porn,
reading blogs,
checking emails,
visiting websites,
checking in on cam4 to see what your friends are up to...
it becomes quite a busy
and, yes, i'll say it,
stressful
part of the day...
it's no wonder that when you finally accomplish the task
you started twenty two hours ago...
you're wiped out.
caput.
done.
you need to run to bed,
relax,
and just pass the fuck out.

it must be exhausting being you...

fuck it!

sometimes, you sit around for years,
waiting, anticipating, planning the next move.
and then, sometimes, without any thought at all,
you simply decide,
on the spot,
without even processing any of the details,
a move that is possibly
one of the more major ones
of your life.
and why?
just because.

thinking is over rated.
the planning, the taking down of notes,
the revised and revamped plans
that in the end, never work
because reality makes you see if/how/why things need to happen
to be successful.
you can't plan really, anything, because,
who knows what tomorrow brings?
and so, instead of putting yourself through the pain and heartache
of try try trying to make things fit,
you one day, step back, sit back, and just let something that feels good,
just happen.
let life and the moment take you places you might not usually go.
sometimes the choice is obvious.
sometimes, well...
sometimes you just have to say,
fuck it.

well. ladies...
today i said it, and said it loud...
fuck it!