the face that launched, everything

who ever said that
life was fair?
anyone who said that
never actually lived...
they read about it in some magazines,
flipped through a book about it once,
scanned the internet,
looking only at pics...
well,
that's what i'm guilty of today.
today, i was fliping through facebook,
casually,
when i had to stop,
and it brought me back to myself,
thinking that there IS something more out there
in this great big beautiful world...
and so, i rested my head,
relaxed my tense shoulders,
and sat, in awe...

ELIAD COHEN
like, wow.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=265734413476578&set=a.194538750596145.67595.194284173954936&type=3&permPage=1#!/EliadCohen88

At Last

Cyndi Lauperat last...


the skies above, aren't blue,
not yet.
they turn from black to gray to pink to orange to yellow and back to blue.
and then, when the storm is over,
and the skies have opened up and poured down,
raindrops bigger than tears,
that's when i'll know that,
at last,
my life has come along...

as time ticks on by,
without thinking about why,
something caught my eye,
and made me stop and cry.
but who is it,
why did they,
how come i wasn't prepared?
isn't it time we all understood
that nothing lasts forever?
everything i had,
and everything i lost
everything i created,
and everything i built,
didn't prepare me for the truth.
the truth hit me hard.
made me sad.
made me stop,
made me think,
made me cry...
so now what?
what's next?
who can i count on?
lean on?
turn to?
what are my options?
and,
where do we go from here???

here we go...

what a difference a day makes...
well, take that, and multiply it by 7,
and you can possibly understand what i'm up against.
what seemed like a pleasant existence just 7 days ago
has turned inside out,
upside down,
and left me speechless,  motionless, and well, basically,
homeless.
the good deed i did three years ago, trying to help my family through some hard times,
all came to a screeching halt just the other day.
my mother, when i walked in the house,
announced that, indeed,
they had sold the house...
something we had been trying to do, but, hadn't had much success...
well, success came a knokin,
and then, when she told me we had exactly 30 days, one month, to get out,
i nearly died.
it hit me unlike i had expected it to,
you see,
for all my bitching and moaning,
i grew up in this house.
i went through puberty,
masturbated in,
had my first wet dream in,
made out with girls, and boys in,
made plans for college in,
etc. etc etc,
this house.
and now, in less that a month,
everything i ever knew, will come to a halt.
stop, and i'll never sit in my bedroom again..
i'll never lay in my bed, watch tv in the family room, eat in the kitchen,
again.
and so, it's been freezing my mind,
making anything and everything seem impossible to grasp, reach, get a hold of...
after all this time,
after coming back,
i just always thought, i'd never leave.

and so, now, my life takes on another twist.
because i have the love of my life here with me, Buddy, my dog, who,
i can't imagine life without,
i have no job,
no apartment,
and nothing to reach and grab a hold of...
i'm sad,
i feel alone,
i feel like i have nothing to do with it, because, well,
i don't.
my life from here on will be like starting over,
starting from square one...
growing up, fast.
and without a safety net.

if something were different, if only i had a job...
hmmm...
a job...
a man...
a life.


so i am careful to take every step...
i am cautious to breathe,
it frightens me to think of where i'll be in 30 days...
but, somewhere, pleaseant,
i hope...

 here we go...

lets go queen, cause i'm ready

                do u know me?  cause i represent all the things about gay people that people detest.
                                                     and i wonder why i can't get laid!

at the end of the day,
as i kneel down to pray
for the things i have seen
that have been so extreme.
some of the things that i've heard
i find simply so absurd,
cause they come from the mouths
that know nothing about
when they hear themselves speak
they hear what they think is unique,
but to those who know better,
it sounds just like jibber,
from someone who is nothing
but thinks that she is something.
but from miles away
you can watch them decay
for their lives are about
nothing important,
i doubt
that they even exist
i know that
they wouldn't be missed,
for they just take up space
and destroy the human race
with their words and their face
which will soon be erased.

wiped out
who will miss
them at all,
just one guess,
no one at all,
so just smile as they fall.

oh, by the way...
happy gay pride girl,
i'm sure the people who actually suffered before us
would be very proud of you...

your moms not either.

r u ready?

enough.
the end.
this time you've pushed me
and now i intend
to make it certain
to everyone
that who you are
is a no one.
you've tried to pull
myself and friend
down to your level
it has got to end,
cause don't you see,
what's shown clearly
is your lack of control
and you irresponsibly
say things out loud
that you should just keep in
you look like a fool
you'll never win.
because i have
the right to say
whatever i want
and so i fire away.
i'll be the bain
of your existance
you'll see i'm right
through my persistance.
no one says
the things you say
and in my presence
gets away
from putting down
one of my friends,
and makes light of
a tragic end
of someone close
of someone sweet
someone you never had
the chance to meet.
so say what you will
i don't really care
talk all u want
with ur ass up in the air
ur such a fool
you lack respect
what do i expect
from a redneck?


come for me bitch,
let's go.

 

T-Y-P-I-C-A-L

 
typical,
as they can be
some people live life
to be ordinary.
they try real hard
to fit in
and complain when nothing
works out for them.
they have no life
nothing to say
so bitch and moaning
fills their day.
they act offended
when someone states
the obvious
makes them outraged.
unless it's something
so mundane
an opposite opinion
drives them insane.
 u see these people
just getting by
day to day
theytry and try
to feel important
to feel secure
but all they are really
is walking manure.
oh how boring it must be
to live your life
so typically.

u know who i'm talking about bitch, so, i'm sure you'll be moaning to ur friends at the coffee shop in san francisco waiting for your disability check all day...
boring.
T-Y-P-I-C-A-L

facebook phenomenon

so sad.
so, so, so sad.
just when you think that it can't get worse,
when you think people just couldn't be meaner,
it happens,
someone, someone stupid that is,
makes the same remark once again
proving my belief that people are just no good.

last night, my post about my friend who passed away
caused me to just lose faith that we as a community care about anyone but themselves.
i posted my writings directly onto facebook, as facebook is the place that
i had been seeing idiots make comments so careless and  ill thought out
about James, Erik, and i wanted to just come out and tell them to please
just keep your mouth shut.
in minutes, i had a bunch of emails from people saddened
by the fact that someone who they didnt know,
died to soon, and lived his life so depressed.
then, without missing a beat,
there was a dark cloud looking over it all,
someone who had to say the very same thing i was asking them to avoid,
Keith Folger from san francisco a balding, unattractive guy
with bad bags under his eyes and a body that looked like he tries to work out
but his body is just not, at his age,
going to get anywhere.
his typical remark was "he probably died from using drugs and steroids"
i tell ya, he is a gifted talented man with words,
and he must be super intelligent because he couldn't even be witty or cleaver
he was just basic. bland, typical, stupid, and proved his limited capacitys.
it turned into a brawl, it turned into a mess,
it only got worse when another idiot, Karl Deke von Uhl,
a friend of this queen keiths, chimed in with more stupidity
proving that what i guessed by looking at his photo,
that he's just nasty because god did not bless him with good looks,
was true.

in the end, when all was said and done, Keith Folger
the lady with the big mouth,
blocked me from being able to retaliate,
showing me, and the world that
he can't hold his own, he can only be the voice of no reason,
and he joins the ranks of the masses as just another nothing who keeps his own kind down.


i am now letting this go.
i will defend James till the end,
because i know better of him,
and i, one man with flaws of my own,
am not in any place to throw stones.

happy pride, you vicious fags

take a close look. you can see his pain.

happy PRIDE!
oh really.

we as gay men have some fuckin nerve.
we want everyone in the entire world to drop
and accept us for being who we are...
we complain that we don't have equal rights...
we want everyone to think we are an evolved group of people.
we want, too much, as far as i'm concerned,
we need to actually do something to actually prove ourselves,
because what i have been seeing and hearing from fags mouths
about one of their own, who,
they feel "better than" because he was a "porn star"
or because he had a problem with "drugs" or "steroids"...
um, hello.
wait a minute...
rewind what you just said cunt,
put down the crack pipe for a moment,
turn down the porn on the tv or computer,
pull out that "Erik Rhodes" dildo u have shoved up your shitty hole,
and listen to me for a second,
cause i'm not going to say this again.
you are nothing more than a piece of shit.
your gross,
your not funny,
and you truly have made me see your true colors
and shit brown just doesn't look good on you.
how dare you.
really, how fucking dare you speak with such venom
about someone who was really so sweet.
you just ask anyone who actually met him,
and they will tell you the same thing.
the boy wouldn't have hurt a fly.
meanwhile, not even a week later,
your bitchy mouth have had nothing else to say than
he deserved it.


ha.
what you deserve now cunt,
i promise you, you will get.
you will realize, one day, i hope soon,
that you aren't really as hot as you think you are.
you'll walk by a mirror and look closely at all the flaws,
and thats just on the outside.
you'll wonder why your lonely, alone, can't find a man,
and you'll cry about it, complain, say someone else is responsible
because you didn't have equal rights, or some retarded bullshit like that.
and then, you'll be going through your collection of porn dvd's
cause u aint cultured enough to watch anything else,
and you'll come across a photo of Erik Rhodes.
and, for a second, you'll understand that
all the venom that you spilled on this man's life and death
was because, deep down, it's obvious, isn't it?
you are just jealous because the man came into this world
was born with a face of a movie star,
had one of the most amazing bodies that he worked very hard on,
and was, someone that actually was very sweet...
very sincere, and very troubled.
he wasn't what you imagined him to be from what you were shown.
the boy was hysterical.
the boy was a little boy trapped in a bodybuiders body.
the boy, when he walked in a room, made EVERY head turn.

the boy was a star...
and as hard as you tried,
you will just never have what he had.
sad isn't it?
the second you understand that you are nothing?
the moment you realize your a failure?
the instant you see that
all the shit that the world has thrown at you
is all shit that you deserve.
you are nothing girl...
i'm sorry.
but James...
well, i guess you'll just never know.
because you just weren't good enough to travel in the same galaxy as him.


don't worry.
kharma has a way of coming around and biting you back.
and i hope to God i'm there when it happens.
cause i'm gona laugh my ass off.


i love to see a big girl cry.
but, it'll be too late for you...
much to late.


one last thing that you must remember.
he will live for eternity,
he is a legend.
and you...
are nothing.

my bad?

beauty is hard work...

it's funny how, when i'll see someone on facebook or on the streets, or in manhunt...
if i see someone who i think is super hot
and i thnk i'd be able to turn out in photographs,
i'll simply say something nice,
compliment them, and ask, politely,
being clear that i am not trying to have sex with them,
if they would be interested in letting me shoot them.
i do that, sometimes, actually, rarely...because
i am actually kind of shy,
and i know a lot of photographers have a bad reputation
for luring guys to their house for a "shoot"
and then just trying to suck their cocks.
but when i see someone who, maybe i've never seen before
or, like on manhunt, i'll in an email, describe the idea and state clearly
"this is not sex"
and usually, the response is favorable.
sometimes, not.
but the choice is always left for them to decide and do.

i met a kid on Grindr the other night.
he's 25, studying medicine,
and wanted to suck cock...
perfect.
when i showed up at his apartment,
i honest to god,
died, cause this kid looked like, i mean, almost exactly like,
matt dillon.
of curse, he had never heard of him...(25)
so what was i supposed to do?
i could have just gone through with it, blown my wad n left,
but...of course...
thats not me.
instead, i, nervously, started babbling about how i HAD to photograph him.
i rambled on for maybe an hour about it,
while pulling up my website, blog, and such..
and, swear to god,
scared the shit outta this kid.
i told him i was going to train him to get in shape so he looked incredible..
told him that i wouldn't take no for an answer,
and then, finally, he looked at me and quite nicely said
"hey, i gota go"
go? but you live here!
oh, i get it...I gotta go.
alright, i see.
i walked out without busting a nut or
having had any sexual involvment with this kid,
and i walked out, head hanging low,
realizing that my approach was retarded.

so i called him yesterday, and asked him if he had decided.
well, i tried to, but he didn't answer the phone,
and the voicemail was gone.
and i realized, again, that
i am just too much.

Fuck You

Lily Allen (Lyrics)
do u get a little kick outta be slow minded? i did things the way i wanted, i never regret one second. so, if you don't like it. fuck you.

it's very very interesting to me, when i think back, way back, to the time when i was a young, sweet, innocent little boy...i'm talkin' way way way back in the day, before madonna was anything more than the mom of jesus, when mtv actually played music videos, and when michael jackson was still black...back in those days, i wandered the streets of albany new york, wishin' hopin' and prayin' to get the fuck out, start my life anew, move on up n outta the suburbs and onto the slick glittered streets of new york city!


wow. it seems so long ago, well, it was. and when i think back on the cute little italian boy who, was never really very innocent...i think, real hard, and try to pinpoint the exact moment when i truly lost my innocence. like, what exactly was the deciding second when it all changed. was it the time, when i was 14, at the public swimming pool when the 40something man followed me into the bathroom and offered me $50. to suck my dick? or was it a few seconds later, when i snatched the bill from his hand, hmmmm.could it be a few seconds later as i dropped my swimsuit in the last stall in the back of the bathroom and the guy got down n sucked me off?? OR, was it the following week, when i saw him again, and made arrangements with him to meet there once a week. i dunno, i think it could be two weeks later when i told the guy to tell his friends about me, which, in turn, led to my first "job" being the big dicked 14 year old boy that every pedophille in the tri-state area sucked off, and payed, $50 bucks a pop. oh, i don't know..there had to be something, probably, well, no obviously, way before even that experience, as most children, when approached by an old man in a restroom and asked to be sucked off for cash, would probably RUN. but no, not me. i saw a chance, and i grabbed it, and then found a way to control and manipulate it. lol, damn, i wish i could just see myself from 10 feet away at that time. always street smart, always looking for what's next, and always a playa. it kind of scares me...but just a little, because i also know that these very things i did that most consider outrageous, are also the things that helped create the monster i have become. each one of my insane moments adds up to the making of my E! True Hollywood story. i don't regret, i don't wish it hadn't happened, and i don't want to change it. no matter how nuts and even dangerous these things i did were, they also built up the strength inside to have the courage and drive to make me able to have the balls to do what i do, think the way i think, and maybe how i think n what i do some find crazy, but, i know, deep down, that every second counts, just a little, but when you add them all up, they are the very seconds, moments, and things that make you who you are. they stack up, and, individually, may be nothing, but when you have a bunch of them you see that, they tell a story, and the story is kinda sad, kinda funny, kinda insane, and kinda, well, mine.


i met someone the other day that, when i look at him, i see a reflection of who i was, and i wonder, should i warn him? tell him to run? or, should i just smile, take him by the hand, and let him see that, it's all just part of becoming who and what you will be. so, enjoy it. laugh as much as you can, and don't take yourself to seriously...


i like this boy.
he's so fuckin cute.