and there i was

and there i was,

sitting in the office of a real estate agent,
terrified,
yet excited...
i wanted this apartment so bad,
and then,
they did a credit check,
and in seconds,
i was laid out flat,
dead,
nothing to do,
say, feel, or noplace to live.
and so i came home,
tried to resurect the thing that brought me down,
but my credit is shot,
my life as an adult just may be done...

over.
the end.

chapter 13

chapter 13

hopefully this one will be the final chapter where everything gets wrapped up in neat little packages, securing the happiness of our lead character. but for some reason i feel like there are way too many chapters left in this book, rather, series of books, and this could actually be just the finale of this book, leading you to want to read/watch "who shot jr" type of ending scenario. 

up until now, it's been a comedy of errors that has kept me from actually getting to the place in life i know, well, think, i could be. i have been just barely getting by and barely because i am honestly unsure of exactly where it is i want to go. it's just time to stop and smell the ambient air and appreciate it for what it's worth, and nothing more. i have been constantly craving something that i just can't achieve in the ways i have been going after them. i have finally slowed down my pace, and am hoping that the time spent alone will make me understand my past ways were just not the right ways. it's now or never.

i am a lucky man though, i've always had people who love me by my side, always there to comfort and support me, so i think it's actually time i tried to give back to them, and stop taking. as the past month went by, it made me see that there's so much more i could do for them, and that, in all probability, would make them happier, more secure, and in turn, that might make things look up for everyone.
somethings gotta change,
and i truly believe that that change has to start here,
with me,
now.
today is just a day.
tomorrow is the beginning of he rest of my life.
i can be better,
i can strive for more.
i can, and will,
become what destiny had in store for me,
before i took the side road.

today's the day,
today, day one.
chapter 13.

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own (N.Y.P.C. 'f*cked' mix)

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own (N.Y.P.C. 'f*cked' mix)

the day's heat was sweltering,

so much so that,

he could barely catch his breath

or even,

stay awake for that matter.

his body was exhausted,

so maybe that was the true source of his weakness,

and not the heat at all.

the past month and a half had shown him sides of himself that

he had wished he'd never have seen.

it tore open wounds

and threw salt on scars that were possibly starting to heal.

it wasn't as if it was all done intentionally,

but now that he saw it from a different perspective,

he saw he just quite possibly may have over reacted,

 just once or twice.

it wasn't really a shock to anyone who had ever met him,

so why did it surprise him?

he, who should know himself better than anyone else,

could not, still, grasp the craziness that was him.

he sighed a deep sigh of relief that at least now,

it was truly over.

no more tears,

enough was enough,

and as he got ready for bed

he realized that all the anxiety and insanity he had given this

was gone.

the tears had dried on their own,

and not in years the way he had thought,

but literally,

in a few days.

life was moving forward,

there was something else out there waiting,

and if he stayed on the past for too long,

it may possibly fuck up something that was trying to come to him.

when one door closes,

another opens,

he wasn't going to fuck with fate again.

this time would be the right time,

the right way,

the right place,

and the right moves.

and if by chance he imagined, even for a second,

that he would make the same mistakes,

what was it now,

like, 50 times,

he thought he'd not even think about it right now,

and just rest,

for we are all guilty of destroying the things we love most.

and so, he knew he could do it now,

now it was time to find out if

he could actually love the thing he loved most...

that was the hard part.

 

 

to be continued...

Goodbye

Madonna - "The Power Of Goodbye" (Comato5e Remix)



and as the door closed from behind
the only thing that was in my mind
was one wish, to hit rewind
and take me back to the place and time
when i once called this house mine.
i never thought that there would be
a time when i would never see
the place where all my memories
was no longer there for me.
it isn't going to be easy,
for all i knew was gone instantly
and now i only have a dream
of who i once used to be.
i have to learn to say goodbye
it's hard to do and not cry,
and though it's tough, i'll have to try
until he last tear from me dries.

i have the stuff that you want, i am the thing that you need,

Michael Jackson-Dirty Diana Cure & Cause Remix (MJ Videotribute)





i have the stuff that you want,
i am the thing that you need,
there's no one else that understands that
better than me.
i am the thing that you seek,
i am so truly unique
that the others who try
know that they're chances look bleak.
and i've known all along
that my talent is strong,
except i never believed
you completely perceived
that my intentions were true
and my instincts followed through
with a concept so strong
one that takes you along
on a journey somewhere
out of this atmosphere.
but now i truly can see
that you understand me
and so i can go on
feeling confident, strong.
and no more will you doubt
what i'm really all about,
and the bond we create
no one can negate
if they did, they'd berate
what's created by fate.
so just let them talk
turn around and just walk
swiftly away
i know inside i'm okay.

i got the stuff that you want
i am the thing that you need
so don't you forget
or else i'll make you regret.

doesn't matter anyore.

as the car pulled up into the driveway,
he noticed for he very first time,
just how overgrown the garden in front of the house was.
the weeds had taken over the flowers in spades,
and there was grass so high,
that looked like it could be a wheat field.
thelawn ball which had once stood out majestically due to it's red shine,
was almost not even able to be seen.
it was then that he looked up and saw
that the drainage pipe on the side of the house
was also disheveled.
it was broken, and almost coming off the brick.
and the window for the garage...
when did it crack?
when did any of it crack?
why didn't he pay better attention to his beloved home?

 it wasn't an all together odd question,
but in fact, it was...
because he never ever had cared,
until now
when it didn't matter to him anymore.

all the news

all the news that's fit to print
has been deleted by the internet
and so we now can see
things they cannot show
on t.v.
the things we always think are bad
make us want to blow our nads.
this is one site that
you just cant help strokin to...
enjoy.

http://dirtbagin.tumblr.com/

alone

all of a sudden,
when he was crossing the street to get a necessary pack of cigarettes,
it hit him...
he was having an anxiety attack.
his heart was beating fast and hard,
he was completely out of breath,
and his A.D.D. brain was working in overtime.
he didn't really have anywhere to go, anyone to turn to,
anything to fall back on...
there was no more time for him to procrastinate...
he didn't have any other chances to make things right,
he had burned too many bridges,
alienated too many friends,
removed himself from social situations
so many times,
that now, he realized he was basically all alone...

alone.

it had been years now since he was ever really alone.
there was always someone by his side to derail him from himself.
but that was three relationships ago,
and now, even his family had moved on.
he was headed back to begin where he left off three years before,
but hopefully, this time,
he'd do things a little differently.
he wasn't about to make the same mistake again.
he couldn't, because now he had to be responsible for himself,
and that's what truly scared him.
could he actually grow up?
take care of himself?
survive out there, all alone?

it's hard when you have never really had to do it completely all by yourself.
but, he thought,
everyone else seems to do it...
what could be so hard?
a chill went down his spine, and then goosebumps on his arms and legs.
the hairs on his neck stood up,
and he got cold, clammy, and his stomach felt nauseous.
he took a deep breath,
braced himself for whatever unseen things would come his way,
and inside, he cried,
for in a very short amount of time
everything he was feeling right now,
would just be a distant memory,
and only time would tell if and how
he made it.

thank God

as soon as he realized
that his time was almost up,
it was too late for him to do anything about
all of the mistakes he made trying to resolve the issue
in the first place.
it was just a matter of time before everything changed.
the scenery, the view, the conversation, the company,
it was all just days away from being a totally new world.
unlike the old days when his experiences seemed exciting,
now, they just felt scary.
the thought of him actually being homeless if everything didn't work out just right,
was a little more than he could handle.
he was too old for this shit.
enough!
it was justified now that he could just let everything go,
not care, relax, and just do whatever the fuck he wanted to do.
it was his last horrah.
the last time he could really throw caution to the wind,
and just know that he was still safe.
but those days were at their end,
and as much fun as they were,
was as much fun as the memory of them would be.
tomorrow, when the sun rose over the mountain tops,
it would be a new day.
a day when everything he knew at this very instant,
would be a blur,
gone...
a memory.
not a sad one,
more like, one that was the end of an era...
the fall of the empire had created a new dimension and space,
opened up doors,
closed others,
reinvented rethought and reworked all of the things that before,
just didn't add up.
it was time to get the calculator out, and this time,
do it right.
so, that's it, he thought...
today was retarded,
tomorrow, i wake up, i lift my head toward the sun,
and thank God for a new beginning,
another day.

 

the end is near

The Jeffersons Remixed



everyone seems sad.
it's strange.
all the build up, preparation and anxiety comes down to this...
monday, it's all over.
for 50 years my parents have lived in this house,
the house they built and raised us in,
the house thats seen good and bad,
birth and death,
and lots of life.
it's time to move up, move out, expand the horizons,
and let another family move in and create their own memories.
i've been procrastinating.
i've been trying to put off all i have to do,
but now,
i have no other choice.
the countdown starts now,
the end is near...

but then again...

for as many times as he had stopped and started,
as many ideas about how he would condense everything he had,
organize it, label and alphabetize it...
for as many times as he had told himself in his tiny little head,
that he was going to make this as easy as possible,
you would think that,
by now,
he'd be almost finished, and ready to walk away from it all gracefully.
but, of course, that just wasn't how it was going to be.
not with him,
not this time,
not the next time,
not now,
not never,
no way...
no how.
he had developed a highly evolved system of procrastination that
took years, actually, decades, to produce.
his way of not getting everything he needed to get done, done,
by creating unimportant and menial projects that
just HAD to be done and get out before what really needed to be done,
was considered by some, unique...
as no one else they knew would ever try to
navigate their way around such important issues at hand,
quite so blatantly, and yet,
with such emotion and diligence given to the unimportant issue,
you almost had to believe he really believed it himself.
but then again,
he just quite possibly did.

crack rhyme

as strange as it is, and as weird as it seems, it helps me think clearly and helps me stay clean. for I've seen many things that you just wouldn't believe, things that crackheads did, that I could barely concieve, like one night this dude ray, who is such a fuck in wreck, tried stealing my haggis, so I had to attack... I took off my heels, and then started a fight, I said "oh no u didn't!" cause he just wasn't right. he pretended that he didn't just try n swipe the goodies brought to smoke in the pipe... then he acted real dumb, which wasn't that hard, cause honestly he's one cell from being a fuckin retard... so I said like, fo real? did you just try n steal what I graciously bought what u said u sought, and he looked straight at me pretended like he didn't see me try n stuff in his pocket so I punched him in his eye socket and then that was the end, I just cannot pretend to be like, his friend, so I guess this is the end.

Do You Know Where You're Going To

Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To) - Diana Ross

there's a strange smell in the air when things change.
everything starts to look different,
take on more defined shapes,
colors become more vivid,
textures come into focus from fuzzy to slick,
scents emerge and fill the air with fragrant scents,
flowers bloom,
grass grows,
glaciers melt,
children grow,
life continues,
and everything takes it's righteous place.
remember, a butterfly is not always a beautiful creature.
it starts as a hairy worm,
only to cocoon itself and transform into a thing of pure beauty.

many years have passed as i've sat in my cocoon.
alone, ready to break out, yet,
unable to, as the timing just wasn't perfect.
but as the days tick by,
the evolution of my destiny becomes a necessity,
and time is of the essence.
the months i have spent relearning life,
reconfiguring who and what i can be,
how i can develop and recreate my image
so that the ugly caterpillar inside me
can blossom into the butterfly,
and soar the clear blue skies.

i feel the cocoon around me break cell by cell,
i hear the crunch,
i feel myself expand, stretch, develop.
i feel the wings beneath my back
start to grow and crack the shell.
my arms reach out, grasping at the air around them.
my legs push hard,
hoping to touch ground and take off running.
beams of the outside light appear
causing chaos, confusion, and clarity, all at once.
as i brace myself to expose what's been hidden inside for too long,
my mind rewinds and revisits where it's been...
remembers where it came from,
and recalls the hard times it's had.
because no matter how beautiful a butterfly becomes,
no matter how high it fly's,
it was still, once,
an ugly caterpillar with a hope of a better day.

but, do we ever really know
where we're going to?
if you like the things that life is showing you,
then you are lucky...
if you don't,
if you know everything should/could and would be different
if you just pushed a little harder,
than kick, scream, push.
evolve.
fly.

(Special)

Electro House Mix 2012 (Whitney Houston Tribute Mix) (Special)




as hard as i try to imagine that it's not really real,
and as much as i hope, pray and try to change what has turned out to be the truth,
it still just remains the same,
without any way to debate it as a solid fact.
i still cry,
i still anticipate the next thing i'll see,
wonder what it will look like,
what the sound will be,
how she has grown
changed,
dressed,
and what will be the favorite part,
which, i'll never really know
until i've heard it 3 million times.
what do you do now?
she aint coming back...
it's a simple, true fact.
something legendary is gone from the human race,
and even though it's been a few months and
we should have gotten over it all by now,
every now and then,
i'll hear something in the distance,
and i get so emotional.
aint it shocking what ove can do?
she was the one i always thought would turn around
and show everyone that true talent cannot be denied.
it can't be explained, reasoned with, or copied.
why am i still mourning my loss?
i guess it's because it came so out of the blue,
so fast,
and with so little explination.
theres a zillion people in this world,
so many of them without hope or potential...
why was her card picked before theirs,
they would never have been missed.
true talent, i have discovered,
sometimes doesn't get the credit it deserves.
maybe that's because it's so genius,
so out of this world,
that it really is, too good for us.
it's hard to kill a cockroach.
the ugly ones last till the bitter end.
the beautiful ones fly, high, but not forever.
they are gifts that we should be thankful for, everyday.
for when theyre gone,
theyre gone forever.
and all we have left,
is a memory
a sweet, bitter memory
of what it used to be.

FINE

Whitney Houston - Fine




although it seemed like a hundred years,
in real time, it amounted to only one week.
but a lot can happen in a week,
and when it's broken down into days,
there are a zillion things to fir into a day,
a million in an hour,
a few thousand in minutes,
and one or two you can squeeze into a secong,
if planned out accordingly.
but this week,
as much hard work and as stressful as it seemed,
especially in the long hot days they were encountered in,
was finally past.
the struggles could now just be seen as a memory of what it took
to finalize and wrap up the situation at hand.
and he was proud of the way he handled it,
and relieved that it was behind him.
some said he couldn't do it,
they said he had already fucked up his life,
burned to many bridges,
destroyed to many friendships,
ha, that showed them.
don't ever count e out, he thought,
because it aint over till it's over.
and this fat lady had to sing...

as the sweat beads dried off his brow,
he felt something inside him lift,
something brought him peace,
and rose his spirit to a place it had forgotten.
he made his move,
he made it fast,
he made it without drgging his feet,
and he made it wisely,
with strength,
and he breathed a sigh of relief.

this chapter in his life he could now officially say,
was over.
and that was just fine by him...