i'm glad i got to see you

i'm glad i got to see you.

i hope that next time we can both smile, and maybe even laugh.

when i told you yesterday that you really are my best friend, i said it, not to get anything or to undo some of the damage my mouth had caused earlier,

i said it because quite honestly, in the three years i've been here, it's become true. maybe that's why i was able to spew out such awful hateful things to you, maybe it's because you have become more than a parent to me, and just my closest living individual. the person that, always, since i was a baby, believed in me, helped me, cried for and with me, and pushed me to grow into something incredible.

without you by my side for the past 45 years, lord knows where i would be.

it truly killed me to take you down to the places i went yesterday...but i think in retrospect, now, you maybe understand where it all came from.

i won't go back down that road ever again with you, for you got the brunt and the extreme variation that i have since put behind me. even though it was just yesterday that it all took place, i, after i picked up my other best friend, was able to smile, even if by the corner of my mouth.

from now on, i promise that you will know, 100% just how much you mean to me. you are my mother, my friend, and my rock. please know that forever till the end of time, i will be proud to call you Mommy, and i hope one day you can be proud of me also. i know i'm not an easy one...out of all the millions to choose from, you got the hardest one to keep quiet, settle down, and make obey. perhaps thats why deep down, through all of this, i was able to, through tears and heartache, stay strong. 

my life before i moved to nyc was something of childhood fairytales. you and daddy had the ability to take this disturbed baby who, to this day, obviously, still has abandonment issues, and make that child feel lovd, accepted, and needed as part of an amazing family. when i moved out it wasn't to get away, but to expand, and learn. i lived my life to the utmost, and then some, and although i sometimes went off track, it was my belief in what we had back here on 4 alton road, that made me do the right thing, and never turn my back. i'm assuming others maybe thought my actions overboard, but in time, i think they will understand that some birds just need to fly a little further, a little highr, faster, and maybe against the wind. i hope that one day the people who i once thought so highly of, can actually understand that this life, this path, was my chice, and mine alone....but just because a path is taken, does not mean it's the path that it stays on. in fact, it's only by venturing onto a different path, that one is able to see just why the more worn and used path is in fact, just that.

i hope that, after all is said and done, we can be something remotely close to what we were just last week. a family who believes and loves each other, unconditionally.

my love for you and daddy will never waver. in fact, although we disagree over certain things, we, in general, i think, and i felt today, are still nothing more than best friends.

i love you mommy.

i love you daddy.

please forgive me for everything that's taken place the past few days. please know that as we packed the house, i was unable to help, literally, because i was locked in my room, the room i was raised and brought up in, crying, wishing, praying, that the horrible dream i thought i was having, i would wake from, and walk into the kitchen, with daddy eating his korn flakes and bannana and feeding Buddy his toast, mommy relaxing, reading her paper in her housecoat, and me, the baby of the house, at home again, forever.

xo

joey

one two THREE

well here we are,
my final days,
i promise you
i'm going out in a blaze.
i told you once,
i told you twice,
all you had to be to me
was nice.
but nope you didn't listen to me,
and so now here's your destiny,
i'm counting down from three,
and when it hits
you'll see the real me.
three
here we go,
you ready?
i told you things would become unsteady.
you think that evil things you do
won't be discovered,
guess what
untrue.
i've seen you do such awful things,
and so now it's time,
tick tock,
two
some people think they're better than,
better than what?
i don't understand.
i know you better than you think i do,
i aint stupid,
no baby,
that's you.
and so we are down to number one,
you thought you were the chosen son.
but family, is, as i've discovered,
nothing much more
they too shall be uncovered.

so i'm going to be nice,
and leave this now,
tomorrow i'll start up again,
and how...
so if your nice,
you'll say your peace,
you'll be nice,
and then i won't release
the evil, awful hideous things
i know about you,
because when they come out,
you know your through.
don't say that i didn't give you a chance,
and now it's time,
wanna take that chance?

do u think i'm mean?

you asked me once or twice lately

why i don't write about you,

you thought i hated you.

why, when i look back on those times

am i starting now to realize

that maybe what you thought was true,

maybe my love

had gone into

a different place,

from a different time,

a time when you 

were by my side.

but times have changed

and rearranged

and now i think

it's not so strange

that one time when

i really need

someone's help

when i look i see

that you're not there,

you've stepped back

and wonder now

why my heart is black.

don't you understand that i

was always right there

by your side?

don't you see?

don't you care?

it wasn't my sister

standing there...

she had other things to do,

ok, whatever,

but now i do.

i have myself

to watch over,

and buddy too,

don't be shocked when you discover

that when you die,

don't you ask

where  i am

because i'll be

a million miles

away from thee.

no tears i'll shed,

nope, none, you'll see.

in another life

maybe you'll be

the one that,

that time, needed me.

so don't be surprised,

don't be shocked

don't be foolish

from my heart 

your locked.

and never more

can i stop

the tears that came

pouring out of me,

if you were here,

maybe you'd have seen...

am i acting too extreme?

oh really?

do u think i'm mean?

well let me tell you

something true,

the reasons i

don't write of you

are because i can't

say three nice things

because of all

i can't believe i've seen...

i was almost an abortion

never once
have you even tried
to be my friend,
and stand by my side.
instead you choose
to overlook
the times i tried.
i guess i mistook
the fact that everything i do
was nothing more
than misconstrued.
by me trying
by me crying
by my applying
by me deciding
that i wanted something other than
the life you chose for me,
now i understand.
you said you'd be there,
through thick or thin,
i guess i thought
you'd be there till the end.
i guess i thought
i guess you walked
i guess i'll see
life without the you in "we".
but why now, exactly
did you choose
to stand back and
just watch me lose?
wasn't there a better time
when i was almost
doing fine?
but then i guess
i wouldn't see
the reality
of you and me.
times are tough
times are hard,
and now your love
i must discard.
it's really sad,
it sucks, you'll see,
i promise you
no more of me.
so don't say that
i didn't try,
for if you do,
i won't deny
that every single day i stood
and nights alone,
and weeks i should
have been out there
living just for me,
instead it's now,
i really see,
exactly what you thought of me.

i was almost an abortion,
somedays i pray,
cause if i was
there'd be no day
that my heart would be so shattered
my life crushed,
my bones battered,
by someone i thought
truly mattered.
i guess that's life.
i guess thats it,
so long.
farewell.
enough.
i quit.

You R Alone

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)


well, i guess that's it,

not even a reply.

it's ok, i guess.

i didn't think that i

warranted another chance

but i guess thats just part

of the past.

i'm so happy that

you did what you did.

you helped yourself,

and from me hid.

you say your upset,

about to cry,

as i sit here basically

about to die.

no helping hand

no reaching out

just me, alone

and so, i doubt

that all the things

you told to me

were really truths

now, i see

that you thought you'd keep me

close at hand

while you left me no where

left to stand.

i walk the streets

alone, just me,

and when i reach out for you

i see

nothing,

your gone

no where in sight.

and now it's getting dark,

twilight.

and though i try

i squint real hard,

you've left me solo

with disregard.

ok, i get it

you thought i'd be

better off alone,

indeed...

what you did was push me down

into a pit

i thank you, so much,

i truly appreciate it.

the lesson learned

that now i've learned

is trust no one

because you will get burned.

alone

not so very long ago,

in a place not very far away,

it heard it just by coincidence,

but i definitely heard you say,

please don't take that extra step,

stay close to me,

not far away,

i swear that i'll always be here,

and then

you went away.

there i stood,

alone at last,

except now you were part of my past,

and when i called out

and asked you please

to stay with me,

cure my disease,

you vanished so far 

from my reach

that it seemed as if 

your words were breached.

how one day

can you tell me this,

and next day it's basically as if

the things you said

you never did,

when i need you most

your gone, you hid.

i lay alone in bed at night

in my mind are dreams of fright

and when i wake

i think i see

an image of you

looking back at me.

but the image is blurry

the past is gone

and now i'm here

where i don't belong.

and so i ask you

one more time,

a second chance?

please?

be kind.

for no one understands where i

have come from,

through my darkest nights,

you once sat,

and comforted me

and now no more,

alone,

just me.

i thought you told me

i thought i'd see

myself by your side

for eternity

but when i ask you

just one time,

immediately

you decline.

where do i go now

what can i do?

i ask around

but no one knew.

it's now or never

this time is it,

and so i wait,

alone i sit.

far away

i understand where ur coming from.

i know that you only see the bad,

but the good is also inside me,

just impossible to get at without a chance...

i've tried so many ways,

i've asked a million times,

i don't have anywhere to turn to,

can't u see the terror in my eyes?

i'm all alone,

i'm helpless,

have nowhere left to hide,

all i see when i look close

is what i'm trying hard to realize

is that i've got no home,

i've got no time,

i've got no job,

nothing left inside,

and now as i sit all alone

i feel my stomach turn

i watch myself from afar

starting to fall and burn.

all im asking

is a hand,

i know you must, somewhere inside,

know, and understand.

i am 2 feet away

from blossoming again

and when i reach my hand out to you,

it's because i think you are my friend.

i don't know where to turn

i dont know what to do...

am i asking way to much

when i ask that question of you?

i know youve helped me

many times,

and i would never

pretend that i

didnt understand

where youre coming from,

i know where,

trust me,

i am someone...

id never try and hurt you, never,

i love you so much,

but its now or never,

i have less than 20 days,

and after that,

i go astray.

into darkness,

and far away.

How Will I Know

Whitney Houston - How Will I Know  2012 (Big Wilde Funky Beach House Rem...



what i need is really love...
and i wish to god i could have that.
just once,
once in a while?

so here i am.
2012...
the year was supposed to start off better than the last
when i was lying in a hospital bed, in a coma.
oh well,
nothing works out the way you want it to i guess.
when i look behind me,
i see a lot of good,
but a lot of bad also.
everything, everyone, everywhere
i went, i caused joy, and havoc.
apparently...
now, i am here, 45 years old,
solo.
well, Buddy, but that poor baby has no clue whats up.
we travel our lives in circles that sometimes spin out of control.
sometimes they lead us to a safe haven where,
we can just rest and smell the sweet fragrant flowers,
others, the stench is so strong,
it buries us alive in it's decay.
i'm here!
i'm trying!
give me a fuckin break!
all i need is a hand to reach back to me,
to see the potential,
to grasp it from falling down...

is that to much to ask??

where do i begin?

when exactly did time slip through my fingers so quickly
that i forgot who i was and forgot what year it was,
forgot where i was and forgot what day of the week i thought it was,
and forgot who i was with, because i somehow misplaced about 20 years
and in that wasted, lost and/or stolen time,
somehow,
somewhere,
i became an adult,
not just any adult, but, THE adult in the room....
the one with good judgement,
wise analytical thought processes,
intelligent ways of handling awkward situations
when/if/why the seem to come up...
the one everyone looks to as the daddy,
the one who knows better,
the one who is over it all,
when everyone else
(the young-ins)
are having a blast.

it hit me when i looked around the room im in right now
actually,
and the boys are laughing,
showing off their skinny white pasty bodies,
having sex, enjoying their youth/freedom and sexuality,
and here i am,
bored,
typing thios and wondering...
what happened to me?
lol
i know what happened to me,
it's called time.
age.
and speaking of time,
i think it's just about time
for me to get the fuck outta here...

YoungLife

Moves Like Jagger (YoungLife Remix) - Maroon 5 Ft. Christina Aguilera





and it goes like this...

other people have to try,
i dunno,
don't ask me why!
i never ever had to try,
cause i took to the sky n fly so high.
other dimensions
in outter space
no resemblance
to this tierd ol place.
and from above
i look down
no one knows
that i'm around,
i just fly nice
and i entice
the things i need
come to me, indeed...
i never had
to ask for much
it fell in my lap,
didn't need a crutch,
but now i'm older
and maybe need
some guidance to
take the lead.
put me back
from outter space,
and in my life
to take my place...
when destiny
takes hold of me,
you'll never see
anymore of me.
but it will be
something to see,
trust me boy,
let me be me.

a million years

Tristan Garner vs Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman 2009 (Original Radio Edit)

she wakes up early every morning,
just to do her make-up,
her hair wouldn't be right,
without her makeup...
she's just like u n me,
but she's homeless....
she's homeless....




and here i am, back again,
in a dreamwold,
like Neverland.
i hope that soon
i'll fly away,
make a trip,
and a home to stay.
i never thought
in a million years
that after all this time,
i'd still be here....

sometimes

sometimes what you see
isn't exactly, what you get.
sometimes in your head, you saw it like a dream,
but when you wake up it's all regret.
sometimes it isn't even close
to how you once envisioned it,
because your minds eye saw something,
simply quite magnificent,
when you get up close you notice
something that's the opposite.
smoke n mirrors
thats the trick,
make them dream
let their minds play silly tricks,
to think the things you want them to think,
but in the here and  now they see
maybe your shit do stink...
then you can pull back the curtain,
show it all,
stand back, enjoy,
while their mouths fall.

so what do i do now?
where do i turn?
i've used up all my resources,
burned too many bridges,
fought battles with friends that never needed to happen,
did what i shouldn't do, again,
alienated family,
and now,
here i am,
hopeless,
homeless.
whats a boy to do...


to be continued...

begin at the begining

on the third day when he woke up
the blow up mattress he had been sleeping on
was no longer,
in fact, all it was was plastic deflated beneath him.
not very comfortable.

on that day, when he rose from the floor to grab some coffee  to wake him up peacefully,
he didn't notice any whifting fragrant freshly ground beans percolating,
he didn't, because, well, there weren't.

when he groggily got himself situated and awake by smoking the last near butt of a cigarette
he had left in the bottom of his backpack,
he noticed his stomach growling, and when he turned and headed toward the kitchen,
was actually surprised that when he opened the refrigerator door,
there was nothing inside.

how sad when you have to depend on the kindness of others, he thought,
but, really, who was he to say anything...
he, had nothing.

and there i was

and there i was,

sitting in the office of a real estate agent,
terrified,
yet excited...
i wanted this apartment so bad,
and then,
they did a credit check,
and in seconds,
i was laid out flat,
dead,
nothing to do,
say, feel, or noplace to live.
and so i came home,
tried to resurect the thing that brought me down,
but my credit is shot,
my life as an adult just may be done...

over.
the end.

chapter 13

chapter 13

hopefully this one will be the final chapter where everything gets wrapped up in neat little packages, securing the happiness of our lead character. but for some reason i feel like there are way too many chapters left in this book, rather, series of books, and this could actually be just the finale of this book, leading you to want to read/watch "who shot jr" type of ending scenario. 

up until now, it's been a comedy of errors that has kept me from actually getting to the place in life i know, well, think, i could be. i have been just barely getting by and barely because i am honestly unsure of exactly where it is i want to go. it's just time to stop and smell the ambient air and appreciate it for what it's worth, and nothing more. i have been constantly craving something that i just can't achieve in the ways i have been going after them. i have finally slowed down my pace, and am hoping that the time spent alone will make me understand my past ways were just not the right ways. it's now or never.

i am a lucky man though, i've always had people who love me by my side, always there to comfort and support me, so i think it's actually time i tried to give back to them, and stop taking. as the past month went by, it made me see that there's so much more i could do for them, and that, in all probability, would make them happier, more secure, and in turn, that might make things look up for everyone.
somethings gotta change,
and i truly believe that that change has to start here,
with me,
now.
today is just a day.
tomorrow is the beginning of he rest of my life.
i can be better,
i can strive for more.
i can, and will,
become what destiny had in store for me,
before i took the side road.

today's the day,
today, day one.
chapter 13.

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own (N.Y.P.C. 'f*cked' mix)

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own (N.Y.P.C. 'f*cked' mix)

the day's heat was sweltering,

so much so that,

he could barely catch his breath

or even,

stay awake for that matter.

his body was exhausted,

so maybe that was the true source of his weakness,

and not the heat at all.

the past month and a half had shown him sides of himself that

he had wished he'd never have seen.

it tore open wounds

and threw salt on scars that were possibly starting to heal.

it wasn't as if it was all done intentionally,

but now that he saw it from a different perspective,

he saw he just quite possibly may have over reacted,

 just once or twice.

it wasn't really a shock to anyone who had ever met him,

so why did it surprise him?

he, who should know himself better than anyone else,

could not, still, grasp the craziness that was him.

he sighed a deep sigh of relief that at least now,

it was truly over.

no more tears,

enough was enough,

and as he got ready for bed

he realized that all the anxiety and insanity he had given this

was gone.

the tears had dried on their own,

and not in years the way he had thought,

but literally,

in a few days.

life was moving forward,

there was something else out there waiting,

and if he stayed on the past for too long,

it may possibly fuck up something that was trying to come to him.

when one door closes,

another opens,

he wasn't going to fuck with fate again.

this time would be the right time,

the right way,

the right place,

and the right moves.

and if by chance he imagined, even for a second,

that he would make the same mistakes,

what was it now,

like, 50 times,

he thought he'd not even think about it right now,

and just rest,

for we are all guilty of destroying the things we love most.

and so, he knew he could do it now,

now it was time to find out if

he could actually love the thing he loved most...

that was the hard part.

 

 

to be continued...

Goodbye

Madonna - "The Power Of Goodbye" (Comato5e Remix)



and as the door closed from behind
the only thing that was in my mind
was one wish, to hit rewind
and take me back to the place and time
when i once called this house mine.
i never thought that there would be
a time when i would never see
the place where all my memories
was no longer there for me.
it isn't going to be easy,
for all i knew was gone instantly
and now i only have a dream
of who i once used to be.
i have to learn to say goodbye
it's hard to do and not cry,
and though it's tough, i'll have to try
until he last tear from me dries.

i have the stuff that you want, i am the thing that you need,

Michael Jackson-Dirty Diana Cure & Cause Remix (MJ Videotribute)





i have the stuff that you want,
i am the thing that you need,
there's no one else that understands that
better than me.
i am the thing that you seek,
i am so truly unique
that the others who try
know that they're chances look bleak.
and i've known all along
that my talent is strong,
except i never believed
you completely perceived
that my intentions were true
and my instincts followed through
with a concept so strong
one that takes you along
on a journey somewhere
out of this atmosphere.
but now i truly can see
that you understand me
and so i can go on
feeling confident, strong.
and no more will you doubt
what i'm really all about,
and the bond we create
no one can negate
if they did, they'd berate
what's created by fate.
so just let them talk
turn around and just walk
swiftly away
i know inside i'm okay.

i got the stuff that you want
i am the thing that you need
so don't you forget
or else i'll make you regret.

doesn't matter anyore.

as the car pulled up into the driveway,
he noticed for he very first time,
just how overgrown the garden in front of the house was.
the weeds had taken over the flowers in spades,
and there was grass so high,
that looked like it could be a wheat field.
thelawn ball which had once stood out majestically due to it's red shine,
was almost not even able to be seen.
it was then that he looked up and saw
that the drainage pipe on the side of the house
was also disheveled.
it was broken, and almost coming off the brick.
and the window for the garage...
when did it crack?
when did any of it crack?
why didn't he pay better attention to his beloved home?

 it wasn't an all together odd question,
but in fact, it was...
because he never ever had cared,
until now
when it didn't matter to him anymore.