i want you to love me...

click here;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NzVCQ-vhmA

did you ever wish... 

you could get back something
that you did in your past?
if it wasn't for me i know what we had
was definitely gonna last.

i admit 

that we say somethings we don't mean when we're mad

but i realize that i've been foolish

i never shoulda turned my back

cause it's a cold world when your out there all alone...

your boy is coming home.

and i want you to love me

and i want you to hold me

and i want you to touch me

come give me what i'm missing...

like i never left.

all i can think of is what i see when i look at the devastation that's happened to me, is the way i let things out of my control take over me and throw me down a hole. it was my choice, no one else. i made decisions that were bad, and somehow set them free. now i have to prove myself again, so that everyone can see...that once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a boy, not yet a man, who had nothing left in his soul. he closed his eyes, he hoped and prayed, that one day maybe, he'd find the way back to where he used to be...

no one could help him,

not anymore.

he had gone to far,

burned every bridge,

and slammed too many doors.

now it was all up to him.

he had to rise above,

and show the world

he was ready to come back again.

cause it's a cold world when your out there all alone... 

alone, plus none.

if everything you ever want

is everything that you see,

then doesn't that explain the fact

that you're living an absurd dream?

if everything has been multiplied

then divided into 1 

drop the 2 and add a 10,

wait, you're not done.

subtract all of the little things

multiply it's entirety

cross the t's and dot the i's

then the square root minus 1

the sum of all the facts will be

a millimeter of what you've become.

all that you have left is then

besides nothing, and subtract again,

yet still something that the rest of us 

could live off forever,

no fuss no muss.

yet still you go through life

without shame

while everyone else takes on the blame.

you bitch, you moan,

you stomp, you groan

from atop your gilded thrown.

you scream you bitch,

you're such a wretch

nothing or no one left to own.

if you had put any thought

in the things or people you have bought

a zillion dollars would be chump change

for the rest of us with no exchange.

if everything you ever thought

was even close to what it's become,

then my friend, i have to say

you've lost it all

and everyone.

and you are left

alone, plus none.

reason number 3,472 ...

Then there's the guy... 
that has too much to drink,
gets loud, very loud...
obnoxious even, screaming, yelling, causing havoc,
destroying things, making vulgar comments to any and everyone...
then, he passes out for 2 hours,
having to be carried home,
where he then,
vomits all over everyone dragging his sorry ass back to bed...
it's gross.
it's disgusting.
it's hideous...
but it's not half as horrific as when
they guy is YOU.

that was me last night.
pretty huh?

this is the very reason i always said,
"i'm a much better drug addict than an alcoholic."
see...i'm always right.

ya never know...

Time goes by so slowly 

when your waiting for something, 
anything really...

anticipation is the most underestimated emotion there is.

it's almost under the radar.
no one talks about their anticipating anything, except weather.

"they are anticipating storms..."

 is all you ever hear.

but everyone forgets that anticipating something is one of the most amazing things that can happen to you, ever, because, you never ever know what the outcome will be.
you hope to God that it's going to be great, BUT, don't be disappointed when it's the opposite.

as much as we hope and pray, dream and wish for the outcome to be Prince Charming,

usually, it's the troll under the bridge who needs a quarter for a bus back home.

just sayin'...

                           ya never know...

an Italian gurl keepin' it 4real

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everyday creates your History

 

Today i looked down and saw a dandelion that had lost the yellow flower to become a puff of magnificent something, whatever they become, but a ball of it, perfectly shaped, perfectly round, perfectly divine. i reached out with my fingers and snipped it at the base which is a wonderful plasticy substance with white goo that drips out when you snip it. why nature developed this goo i'll never know, but i love it as a gorgeous detail that is always there, and yet, somehow, you'd forgotten about it. that's what makes the perfect things truly perfect, is that they don't try to be perfect, they just are. if they tried, they'd surely have been stepped on by a lady in heels, mowed down by blades, or had been picked much too early by a kid in first grade. so it's time would have never been granted, and the most perfect thing is, it's still there because it's supposed to be there. at this time, this place. and for this moment, it is part of what makes the world spin, the winds blow, the waters rise and the rest, as they say, is history. because by tomorrow, a wind may come, a dog may run, or a kid will fall and it won't be so perfectly perfect for much longer...so it basks in the sun and enjoys it's days of glory.

click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHBx1T-oy4

words of the hopelessly hopeless

we always want what we probably should never have...we seek out the things that are out of reach, and even though we know we can't ever have them, the thought of settling for something similar seems vulgar, but the idea of struggling and trying, doing without so that maybe one day...seems noble. reach for the stars, just don't reach into another galaxy. 

i'm trying to find a better place to relax, unfold and find my space. it's been so long since my mind's been fine...i want to sleep deep, laugh loud, be quiet, unwind...i seek the comfort that only time will allow. and rushing into this is not the way to work it out. i thought that my life was a perfect balance but then learned that i was wrong, it was insane n i lived careless. is there hope for the hopelessly hopeless? can they let it all go out of their heads, let it all evaporate into space and understand that they are not so bad, they need help, they are loved, and that maybe should start listening to their own words because, in fact, they are speaking to themselves, but are too deaf to hear their own voice when it speaks, or trust the mind and what it is trying to say...it's not speaking in tongues or Spanglish, Ebonics even, but it's speaking to me directly, and is loosing patience with me.

click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i41qWJ6QjPI
 

as many times as i hit replay, it still makes me cry. as soon as the orchestra starts, my eyes well...i know she's talking to me, but why can't it get through to my brain that is going insane, got nothing to do except bitch, moan and spew evilness into the world...can it be? am i the true devil? am i Satan? can it be?

i was here for a reason.

maybe i'm the one who they await for, or is that just me being over dramatic??

no...that's not me...

from the outside looking in,

 click here:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5MgcKdpiew

 

From the outside looking in, everything seemed perfectly normal, boring even...no drama was always a good sign...wasn't it? if something was wrong, surely i'd have known about it...but they say the ones closest to you are the last to know with these things.
i most certainly can attest to that! why, it was all there right under my nose, in front of my very eyes, and i was too ignorant to even know what was going on. in my day, you could always tell if someone was smoking the wacky weed by the way the slurred their words or tripped when they walked. but nowadays, you just can't tell a thing. which is why i don't feel so dumb for not knowing...

i mean...really!

 

last call

even though he knew what he had to do was not going to be easy, he still had to step up to the plate, and do it...it wouldn't be easy, especially since he had basically forgotten the steps of the process...he never really had a "job", well, not since the mid 90's, and, well, that was a long time ago. but he did have discipline, he had skills, he had knowledge, he had an eye, and he had a hunger to get back everything he had lost and regain his composure, and step up to his rightful place and stop worrying about everything else.
it's not gonna be easy, he knew that, but he also knew that he had no other choice. no other option. no other way...this was it, and if he prolonged it one more second...he may lose the window of opportunity that he maybe still had...

FUCK IT!

      Time was running out...

there weren't a lot of options left...it seemed like i had let it go out of control for too long and now, could i ever get it back at all? would i care if i didn't?

should i try to make this right?

By the time I got myself in a position to think about what time it really was, well, by that time, i was to exhausted to care what the outcome would be if i left right there and then...who'd really care?

But someone always knew, didn't they? wasn't there always that certain someone who just always "happened" to know someone who knew someone who saw him do this n that with that one...no one gets away free n clear. nope...so i said fuck it, if they're gonna talk, let em talk, but as for me, i'm over it. i'm through. i've spent more than enough time worrying about it, and now, i don't actually give 2 shits about it...so...

                   FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT.FUCK IT. FUCK IT. fuck it!

as the sun set and the moon rose, i made it clear that i understood that yes, another day had passed, and i still didn't get done what i swore i'd have had finished a week ago.
it's stressful, it's irritating.
                               it's (yawn) exhausting.

gentlemen...may i have your attention please...

 

just when you think you've seen everything

along comes something that catches your eye

-and you gag.

i love these moments, because they always come at the most unexpected times, and are completely random. they leave an impression that pushes past the known boundaries and creates for itself a new space that it can clearly call it's own. it isn't pushy, it isn't contrived, it isn't fussy, instead, it's just exactly what it should be...

raw, direct, in your face and amazing.

 so, out of the corner of my evil eye this weekend,

on a wall and unannounced, were drawings that made me gasp, because i had never seen anything like them before. they were scratched onto the paper with a careful precision that appeared careless.

they were men grasping, grabbing, holding, kissing, fucking, sucking and being exactly what we all want our men to be. they were men being animals and taking what they want. they were breathless and sweaty hairy and masculine and strong. they were powerful and shameless. just the way it should be.

 Fran Kramer is the man responsible for making my eyes pop, my heart race, and my bone jump. he is making the most classic of art forms something new, yet, almost primitive. it's of the moment, you can feel the passion, feel the heat, smell the sweat and taste the reward. and i am proud to introduce him to the world.

look out, i think this is just the tip

 of what we will see.

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/fran.kramer?ref=ts&fref=ts