looking back....

are you fuckin serious? all that work, all that time... all that energy spent wasted, on the crap that i see now in front of me, its retarded that i thought that once it was all just going to be over and id have something better than what i now see, staring right back at me. ugh

last year i thought sucked. then i realized that it didnt suck, as much as it kinda just was a mess. but, i did a lot of things i can't even remember... i laid out, retouched and pubished my 3rd book... hello. and shot a whole bunch of images that i look back on, and smile, cause i know they are just gonna go in the vault as CLASSIC J/O

it's not right, but it's ok...

it's a nice feeling when one day you wake up,

look around,

and realize that everything you once ran to

and all the things you once ran from,

are nothing more than memories from your past.

knowing that all of the insanity, craziness, heartbreak, and low points

have all added up to that very second and,

when you look around the room,

asses the damage,

and sit down in front of the mirror, and see that,

you're still there.

maybe a little broken,

maybe a few more wrinkles and lines,

maybe a few grey hairs,

if any hairs at all are left,

but the face staring back

is smiling.

a different smile than the young pompous one you once knew,

this one is a smile of a knowledge that,

after all that,

it's ok.

it's not right,

but it's ok...

what becomes a legend most?

people come into your life for a reason.
sometimes the reason is just to annoy you.
but sometimes the reason is to offer you a different perspective on life,
sometimes it's to watch over you,
give you advice,
help you through something,
teach you
or torture you...
any which way, it don't matter...
they come and you change.
and sometimes,
hopefully...
they last.

my dear friend, ex-roommate, brother, sister and gurlfriend,
Miss Glenda, aka, Colton Ford.
what becomes a legend most?
just look,
it's right there in front of  you.

shot today 1-11-13
Jersey City, NJ
on Comunipaw Ave..
2:17pm

Long way home

Long way home

Inbox

x

Joe Oppedisano <joeoppedisano1@gmail.com>	4:47 PM (1 hour ago)
to me

It wasn't until he reached the platform of the train home, when, after the long hideous day had come to basically, an end, that he took a deep breath of mass transit air and for the first time in what seemed like years, felt at ease, and was excited to get back to where he now called "home"...home for now, anyway.
It was not that he wasn't happy where he was, for it was a place that called him into an easy relaxed head space, and a place where the love of his life lay now, anxiously awaiting his return...for he knew he could be in worse situations, as he had been before, it just was he knew deep down in his heart that somewhere out there, there was the place he always dreamed of, a place where his body could completly relax, rest, and be sure that it never had to go anywhere else, ever. He smiled inside and his heart warmed as his eyes swelled with tears. Tears of hope for a brighter future, tears of sadness for the home he once had and tears of sheer pride, for he was finally standing on his own, though wobbly, he was still standing.
That was something he had forgotten the feeling of, and it felt amazing.
This day was tough, but it was done, and he was headed home.

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ready to explode!

all the things he did so far in his life,
all the things he had seen,
people he had met,
places he had traveled, 
and big and small experiences he had had 
that he didn't even remember,
all combined somewhere deep inside
to create the person he was  at this very second.
though not always a model citizen,
his vast knowledge of life was one that could not be second guessed.
it was time now.
he was ready.
he needed to make a move into another direction.
expand and flourish.
if he sat still one more second
he thought he might explode!

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)

it wasn't actually until much later that night when he realized that something seemed different. although he couldn't pinpoint  exactly what it was, how or why it was different, exactly, from what he had known before, he just felt it. something had changed. he opened his eyes and looked around the room. nothing seemed out of place...nothing was missing...yet something was there, a presence, unlike anything he had felt before. it wasn't human, nor ghost-like, but it soothed his mind and caressed his soul, making him smile from deep within, letting him know that he was not alone any longer...

and for the first time in years,

he slept peacefully...

 

it was finally beginning to make sense...

it was finally beginning to make sense... 

all the wasted time and all the insanity it had caused him, was really unnecessary. it was one of those things that he could have nipped in the bud, if only he had stepped back and looked at it from another angle.

 another perspective.

but that was all something he could, hopefully, put in the back of his head, and try to move beyond, and forward and make things better. his stubborn ways had gotten the best of him in the past, but his eyes were opened and the errors were realized. you can't be stuck in your old ways forever especially if they aren't working...so, with conscious effort and an open mind, he put his best foot foreword, held hid head a little higher, and walked with more confidence, even though he didn't necessarily feel the way he looked on the outside, it lifted something from someplace deep inside, and let him know that now, at least he could tell himself, for certain, that he was trying his very best.

to be continued...

square one

square one.

where it all begins.

not one of us is perfect, we all make mistakes. 

without knowing it, we hurt the people who love us most. we destroy trusts, break hearts, ruin relationships, break bonds, and compromise everything we have for nothing that matters in the end. it's only when it's too late that we understand the values of what we lost. 

that's where i stand now. on the edge of a cliff, looking out on my past, thankful for what i've been given, resentful for what i lost out of stupidity, disgusted  at some of the ways i handled certain things, and hopeful that now, after i have recognized my faults and been shown their consequences,

i am praying for a second chance to make things right. 

i know i ask a lot, i know it's not going to be easy.

but i am going to try my best, little by little, day by day, to  get back to what i want, so badly.

me.

so, here i stand, at  square one.

alone, tired, scared, nervous, and anxious.

yesterday is gone.

tomorrow is another day.

it's time.

i'm ready.

here i go... 

(Where Do I Begin)

where do i begin?

this time, i'm going to start at the beginning,
from scratch.
one step at a time.
step by step.
day by day.
and i know it's not going to be easy...
i'm not a diva, i'm not above, i'm trying. i'm being honest, to myself. and i think that is at least, the first step in the right direction.
last week was last year. today is the start of a new week, year, beginning...it's time. it's now.
this weekend my eyes opened and saw things that i had forgotten existed in normal everyday life. sweetness, softness, kindness, friendship, and understanding that make the hardest times seem ok. even palatable. people come into your life unexpectedly, without warning or a hint of why they are there, and what they will mean to you and who you will become. so, i thank them, and will learn to respect them more from now on. everything i've ever seen, done, experienced has shown me what i want, what i don't. and so now, i can be certain, for sure, that i am in the right place, at the right time, and will, i promise to no one else but myself that,
this time it's gonna be different.
i promise...

someday, maybe

Maybe one day,
someday, you'll see,
things you think you know about me
are in fact
not to be believed...
they are just illusions
of someone that i used to be.
maybe someday,
tomorrow, maybe?
today will just be history.
and all the things you used to say about me
will be washed away
like a distant memory.

the truth shall set you free

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Remix)

the boy had gone wild, 

                  that was his destiny...

 now, for the whole world to see.

was it possible?                     could it be?

                 

had everything he'd ever known be  

              nothing more than just a dream?                     

his body shook, his twisted mind had somehow mistaken what seemed innocent fun for something much more...he didn't know how to comprehend it. how could someone so jaded, as he, be so blindly lulled into such a sense of peace and security by someone so obviously insincere. his first hint should have been seen more clearly and not second guessed, or sugar coated or made fun of. how did the headlights shine so directly into his eyes and he did not even squint? when did he lose his sense of security, and why, to this? he was not usually someone who let himself be fooled, definitely not someone who was the brunt of jokes, usually the one making the jokes. even exaggerating them and putting an even more twisted twist on their punchlines. but there it was, plain to see.
he was losing his grip on everything he had known and what once seemed secure and stable now felt shaky and crumbled down around his feet. his world was all of a sudden not what he remembered it used to be...it was something different, something dark, something blurry...something he never imagined he would be...someplace he never imagined he could go, somewhere he never, in a million years, thought his road would lead to...

yet, there he was.

and it didn't take him very long

 for him to get there, either...

he decided to close his eyes, for reality was not something he wanted to see. he wasn't comfortable with what his reflection exposed. he wasn't capable of comprehending that maybe, quite possibly, someone had seen the truth, and now, there was nothing he could do to hide the facts that were everything he always hid and ran from.

the truth shall set you free!

really?