i was almost an abortion

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

60 flies so quickly










to fully enjoy this experience, click here;



in a day filled with 24 hours when each hour is filled by 60 minutes that are made up of 60 seconds, it seems like it should be enough time to get everything one man needs to do in that time period to do just that. yet, why is it that those seconds fly by so fast making the minutes tick tock and count up to their goal of 60 so quickly that then the hours mash into each other at rates unheard of and by the time the clock reaches the 23rd hour of any particular day, it's still only 1/4 of the way done with what it started when the sun rose in the east just 23 hours previously?
could it be?
will there ever be enough time in a day or should the man who battles each morning just resign himself a loser before he even gets out of bed, and so, relaxes and knows his battle has already been lost?
one day he will win....
the very day he sees his last hours drift by with the minutes seemingly endless and the seconds moving slower than the day is long.
The dreamer will always lose his battle.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Sunset People vs. the Hard Knock Kids

to properly begin the experience, click here:



so it all started like this...
no lie, just straight up real time reality show season 81
starring Valerie Bertinelli as Josie the 14 year old pregnant black girl from Jersey City.
in this episode, Josie wakes up with a clarity in her head that she hasn't felt in years.
she yawns and stretches in a Marc Jacobs gunnysack nightgown and flips her long golden blond hair as she tosses the covers and rises to greet the day.
opening music, credits, and cut, commercial.

that's how it works in my head.
always a sitcom pilot or season 3 season finale with someone shooting J.R..
it always looks better in Technicolor, and a slightly wide angle lens.
everyone's beautiful, even the ones who are on life support or dying with only a 14%  chance of survival if by accepting a pay cut, but renewing their contract.
it's a hard knock life, it seems glamorous, glitzy, even the kind of things that make a great movie script...but the movie script sat on the shelves for years until the Olsen twins, who tried to still pull off their cuteness by playing 8 year olds (in their twenties) turned into a sitcom that had lasted several seasons to long, and, so, it just became another Love Boat with Charo.
the mind is a terrible thing to waste,  as is a cheesecake.
but anyway, it seems to me that the way things change is just to one day without warning or anticipating it's arrival, just appears. birds chirp, sun shines, a warm breeze blows, and all of a sudden you look at everything just a little differently as something in your head starts to see the beauty, and appreciate that it's the gift of a lifetime to be here right now and so, everything else is just a bonus. what is here right now is here at this precise millisecond for a reason. it is perfect because it had to be there at that very time to make the experience that very experience. every factor had to be correct, and everyone, everything, every bug, squirrel, every leaf on every tree, every snowflake, every whatever, was brought together that very second to make the experience exactly that...THAT split second happened because everything else before that, happened when it did.
God that was good weed.






to properly begin the experience, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaVjAeZCIPg

and so, because everything happens for a reason, it makes perfect sense that after my photo shoot with Ernesto today, driving home, i forgot my cigarettes. i declined to go back and get them for no reason really, just said fuck it. after we returned home, i downloaded film as he showered and i decided to run to the market to get some food to make for dinner and on the way out realized that in fact i had also forgotten my Adidas jacket that I bought in Germany years before and Ernesto said he would drive me back to the location. so, camera less and choking on pot, we drove to the location which by this point had started it's transformation to sunset, making the sky bluer, the horizon purpler and the sun more gold. he asked me to shoot a shot with his camera phone, i declined, and pulled my trusty Samsung Galaxy Android which i swear by and shot a series of perfection pictures that happen only because we were there at the right time without my usual equipment and only my phone, all because i forgot my sweatshirt, AND only because i declined to get my cigarettes for absolutely no reason...if originally i said yes, lets go get the cigarettes, i would have already stumbled upon the sweatshirt, which means that...everything happens for a reason.

...as the light goes on above Josie's head, we see her eyes open wider, expressing she gets something important has just happened. she looks into the camera with a knowing nod, the audience laughs, then cheers, finale music starts, end credits roll, and THE END.




Sunday, May 5, 2013

pumped up

 




sometimes i wonder just what the fuck people are thinking...
has ya lost yer mind bitch?!?
4real!?
the things you hear from their over-injected lips
or see from their over-stimulated actions
makes me sit back and just asses the situation.
if they can do that kinda shit to someone they love
then damn if they wouldn't fuck me up worse
cuz i know they hate my ass...
whateva ho...
ya neva gonna win.
ever!
so, just pack them Luis Vuitton's you got under yer eyes
and hit the road,
cuz i aint got time for that kinda shit nomo.
nope.
i's done.
caput.
it's over gurl.
and let me tell ya one thing right now.
as i live n breathe,
your gonna regret the date that you made me irate.
okay!
r we clear?
good.
now...
step off.
cuz i am out the door
and i aint cumming back for yer sorry white ass no more.
so, don't cry for me senorita,
cuz i aint got nuthin mo to say
cept...
i hate you.
loser!
oh, and....
yea, u are fat...
but i'm fierce at Photoshop,
but i still got the originals,
so...
oink.

i'm PUMPED!
(yea girl, i'm talkin' bout you...)




Saturday, May 4, 2013

Vincent Price laughing


 

Although it seemed like months had passed since the drugs wore off,
in actuality it had only been a day and a half,
but the longest day and a half he had ever known.
it dragged on endlessly.
he'd look every once in a while at the clock
thinking maybe 20-30 minutes had passed
but then panic would set in as he realized that
in 25 more seconds, it would officially be a minute.
tick tock tick tock.
goddamn he thought,
how do beauty pageant contestants do it,
waiting to know who'll be crowned...
that's where he went, mentally,
and it helped him for another 12 seconds.
12 seconds of semi-peace.
what a lovely way to spend the next 48 hours...

When the alarm went off, he jumped.
sweaty and dizzy he calmed himself and realized that it was all just a bad dream...
one of the weirdest nightmares of his life...

It was that very moment that in the back of his mind
he heard the eerie sound 
of Vincent Price laughing...






Thursday, May 2, 2013

i's half friggin' retarded anyway...




Misguided and mistaken
for someone who's just about as clumsey
even when the earth ain't even quakin',
i posted somethin' i shouldnta ever posted
it got seen and then all hell broke loose and it was like
"BUSTED!"
all the times i post the things i see,
i forget that somewties they are only meant to be seen by me.
not the  general public
or even the bf of the guy
who i took pic of 
God, i feel like i could DIE!
i is such a dumb dumb fool...
never censor
never think,
that i am not like the rest of the world
and sometimes that just stinks...


but i never said that i was smart...
no one who knows me can ever question that...
i am what i am and that's a half a brain cell left which,
basically makes me 
ALMOST retarded...
so,
that's too fuckin bad.
love me or leave me.
it's al good bro.
i'll survive.

but...
will you?






and as it all comes into focus,
i remember that it doesn't matter if it comes into focus or not...
i'm half asleep anyway,
and retarded, so...
whatever...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

CRL=Loser



What a difference a day makes...
why, just yesterday it was cold, gray and cloudy.
the entire day just dragged on, Buddy was nervous, i was waiting for life to end
and a new one to begin.
i was anxious, as usual, because i had been living under a roof of insanity.
my old roommate Craig the man who puts the L in LOSER was finally moving out.
unfortunately, he, being the evil sinister wicked cunt he is,
 (and fiending meth head who once begged my friend C.J. to slam him up and fuck him)
who told me just weeks before that he wasn't taking his dog Lucy 
(Lulu to ones who actually took care of her)
because he couldn't handle her..
ugh
that's ur dog beotch!
anyway, he said he couldn't handle her, so of course, being that i love her and had been taking care of her for months (she slept in bed with Buddy and I since October)
said immediately that i wanted her and would love to have her.
fine.
2 weeks later, he steals all of the dry dog food (all he fed her cause he was cheap and inhumane)
and ships her off to his mothers house so that she would never be with her true family again.
how sad, for her, and us, but also for Craig, cause he knows deep down (as he even told me) 
that Lucy loved us more than him, so, better to ship her away.
ugh
but, today is a new day, and even tho Buddy and I lost our girl
we have peace back...
sanity.
real life starts today.
maybe Annie was right
the sun did come out today, and yesterday now seems like a zillion miles away.
thank God.
i hope Craig is happy in his new apartment, and i hope i never see her again,
except to wave at him one day as he crosses the street as a truck bulldozes down the street and flattens his skinny ugly pasty ass.

bet ur bottom dollar that that day,
they'll be sun.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

thankU

when the best people you know
come from out of the woodwork
and run, not walk
to your rescue...



you know instantly, and without second guessing
that there is something very special in your life,
and you should be grateful.
it's been like an avalanche all around me the past few days,
and it makes me believe that maybe i'll be okay.
maybe it's all just common knowledge that i'm a mess,
but i still have friends behind me to lift me up.
people who know the old me,
the new me,
and all the in-between me's
understand that i am what i am,
i never deny it.
i never question it.
i just live it.
and to know i have support,
is everything times 10 that i could ever ask for.

thank you.
xo
joe



 

Monday, April 29, 2013

rainy days and monday's





rainy days and monday's always get me down.
especially when i'm already feeling shitty,
which is a lot lately, and it's making me crazy.
i'm little by little starting to understand
that it's me alone who holds responsibility for everything happening to me.
of course i always knew that anyway,
but now it seems that there's much more at stake
and i can't sit around and wait.
the greatest knowledge any man has is knowing when, where, how and why
his life went somehow awry.
once you know the truth,
there's no stopping you
from correcting and mending all the wrongs
and making them right, again.
it's my time to start mending.
correcting.
accepting the facts that i fucked up,
and rise above the clouds
and begin again.

i'll make it through the rain...








Sunday, April 28, 2013

fairytales



it was only when he actually flipped the last page of the book that he noticed something wasn't right...
nothing added up...
princess Lucy was still in a coma after eating that rotten apple...
the evil queen still pranced around laughing...
monkeys flew overhead,
and the prince had never even figured out that the shoe on the girl he was about to marry didn't fit...it was only because of the corns on her heels that the shoe even fit!
there was no happy ending to this book...
everything seemed wrong.
it didn't even pretend to be continued or have another episode to tie up the strings, nothing..
it was just over.
the end.
could that be the end?
was it possible not all stories had happy endings?




Thursday, April 25, 2013

the best things in life


the best things in life...
                                      http://www.youtube.co/watch?v=zjZWmrdV1zs                                  

                                                                                                     ... are free.





although it seems like money is like water
pouring from our hands as if there is an unlimited supply
available to us, at all times.
when we hold on to things too tight,
we sometimes crush them,
and so, lose them forever.
it's when we have a good sturdy grasp
giving everything room to breath, grow and be happy
in it's own space and time
is when we discover that even though it has the chance to get away,
it stays close by
as to not lose the wonderful feeling it has there.

some people think that they must be in control of everything
all the time
and are furious when they discover that in actuality
everything they are holding on to is suffocating in extreme.


let it go,
let it be,
be man enough to understand
that if it loves you back
there it'll be.
forever yours
forever more.
just maybe not the same way
it was before...
but it will trust you, love you and be there beside you.
it's the best thing in life.
and it should never cost you a thing.

it shiuld be there because it wants to be.
and that's how love its meant to be.














bday






Last night when the clock struck midnight,
and the new day began,
it tolled the second of the first day that my ex, Brad, was born.
it was 50 years ago today
and the celebration began
and then i suddenly felt like everything but celebrating...
50 years.
that means almost if not mpre than half is gone.
i'll be 50 in 4 years.
and i'm not ready tpo go anywhere...
what will happen to me when the strong ones who have held me high
are not around to carry me?
what will become of me when i have no one around me who remembers the days when everything was incredible,
when i was funny,
healthy,
talented,
and smart...
no, and handsome!
what will happen when my world isn't the same
and i'm nothing but an old man
with nothing more to hold on to but my wheelchair.
i never want to know.
i fear that it's going to happen.
and i fear most of all,
that i will outlive them all...

i miss them already.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

some days

 



Some days i feel like i am on top of the world.
today wasn't one of those days,
and so i lay in bed, curled up to Buddy
my bestest friend
held him tight
with all my might
prayed to God for the will to fight
but fighting seems to put me back
in a place
under attack.
everyone around me seems
to think i am a bit extreme.
they never look at things thru my eyes
if they did, they too might despise
the craziness that i, around me, see
it isn't pretty
but it's reality.
so i tossed
and then i turned
i've been through the fire
and been severely burned.
and here i sit
alone and sad
it makes me nervous
to feel this sad.
i don't know how much more i can take
never secure i feel 
like i just may break.
there isn't one thing i can say
is perfect 
but i hope today
will be one of those, and pass.
tomorrow's almost here
i shall surpass
and become the man i'm supposed to be.
i know i can...
it's my destiny.
 

Monday, April 22, 2013

People








People who need people
Unfortunately I have to say,
Are very unlucky people.
Especially so if theyre gay.
They'll probably one day truly see
That what i say
I say, indeed,
Because in my life i have seen
Things unbecoming of a queen.
If u were truly royalty
Why would u act so viciously
To someone loyal,
Someone true,
Whos made his lifes mission to
Make the visions in his head
The fantasies you take to bed?
Another thing can be said...
Beyond all that
He gives great head!
Oops again i did it,
Sorry Britney...

But I really miss Whitney...
Now back up a step.
I know you'll get it...
Just take your time and don't forget it,
And get upset if
Something seems out of its context

Maybe even probably
The  things that u think u see
Are just a part of what in reality
Happened and you could have jumped
To conclussions that are fucked up
Because if u knew all the facts
You'd have shut your mouth
Ok?

Step back!





Sunday, April 21, 2013

rock with you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkAEq3uL_fw







Boy, close your eyes...
let me get this vision of you i have in your mind...
don't try to fight it,
there aint nothing that you can do...
relax your mind,
lay back and groove with the you i see in my mind
you gotta feel your heat
just trust me cause
you should never feel you're secondary...
just know deep down inside
it's you,
and so from now until forever
you will see you're legendary,
let it happen,
you deserve this
that's why i'm here.
so let it be.



Everything happens for a reason.
it's true.
nothing is accidental,
it's necessary,
so believe in what i say to you.
everyone has their own reason
for entering your life.
only when it's the right season
they are there
and justified.
if you try to fight the feeling
then you might just stop the magic.
because when it's there
it's for that reason
and to lose it would be tragic.
so just go with it
and let the worries in your mind
go away and just realize
it's just one life
and now's your time,
so relax,
enjoy the ride.




Today proved to me all of everything i have inside my mind
is meant to happen
when it happens.
maybe sometimes it seems 
far away from what you dreamed
but when you look back, then forward and then again back
you'll find that what i say
i say
because i know
that it's a million times more beautiful
than you could have ever known.
and so give thanks
and keep smiling
because even though you feel deceived
by some of the hideous things you go through
in the end
they were the things you need
to make certain that you see
that this is what will help take you
to fulfill your destiny.
it's beautiful.
you're beautiful.
it's one time.
it's one life.
there never again will be another.
it's that simple.
so live your dreams.