something i don't see...

it's starting to kick in.
i feel it, slowly, seeping into my skin,
feel it entering my bloodstream,
sending shivers through my body 
and traveling straight up into my brain.
once it reaches, i know i'll have no other choice but to let it take control.
so instead of fighting the feeling,
i breathe deep, inhaling, exhaling.
i'm relaxed, but hyper at the same time.
my eyes are wide open,
jaw is clenched,
muscles tight,
and i can't get myself to sit still.
my mind races with what to do next.
should i do something?
go online and search?
pick up the phone and make a few calls?
or just remain here, alone, and contemplate.
it's not like this is the first time,
but this time is different.
it's not like i'm shocked,
just confused.
it isn't what i know, yet, it isn't familiar either.
it sunk in this time deeper than ever before.
it made me stop, think...question, and at first, fight it.
but fighting it just adds to the heightened drama of it all,
and i should really try and avoid that...
the drama is where i get everyone around me all riled up
and it makes them feel uncomfortable around me,
which pushes them away,
and leaves me here, alone. again.
but everyone can't be wrong,
can they?
what it is, is something i don't see...
maybe because it's part of me that i don't see from others perspective,
from the outside looking in, it's a different view.
am i crazy, or, can it be that they are all crazy?
when they see me they see something i don't recognize.
and the thing i recognize is not anything like what they think they see.
i see something funny, something nice, warm, accommodating, even chill.
they see it as if they are looking in a fun house mirror of what i see.
distorted.
but don't they see, i am here, just me...
and i'm not trying to cause harm,
i'm just trying to survive.
except...i guess i am causing harm, 
dangerous harm,to myself.
and no matter how hard i try, fight, or question,
they still see what they see.

and it's not right, but it's okay.
it needs to be different,
it needs to be changed.
it needs to happen soon,
because it's chaos is making me insane.

READing is FUNdamental

i hate that i have to do it,
but i will.

just cause you pushed me too far.

i was nice.

you were an asshole.

you took advantage.

you used me.

you thought i wasn't gonna retaliate?

why in the world would you ever think that?

you know me MUCH better than that.

and you know i'm no fool...

so, i ask ya,

last chance...

do you really wanna play games with me?

cuz trust...

ya gonna lose!

aks yer man'zes, or babymomma, (cuz she tryin to get knocked up wit all dem loads she done be gettin shot up her cootch) fer da coins, she can supply u, don't she do that anyway?????  911 please! i has an emergen-T

dat's whatcha git fer bein shady gurl...

ok!?

i'm gonna ask once more, and then, you're through....

wanna play??????

MORE, MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!

my philosophy on life has always been very simple...
we were all put on this earth for a reason.
we each play a role in the story that will once be known as "earth, where we went wrong"
that will have every single millisecond recorded and how every little air molecule responded to every petal on every plant, which was just shit on by a mosquito that was eaten by a bird that was hunted down by a cat that was ravaged by a dog that was trampled over by a garbage collector barreling down a street, who's wife's brothers ex-wife's husband is now married to some schmuck who was divorced twice, has 4 kids, one of whom went to school in europe for a semester and was on his way back from class when he decided to take another route home and so, went through an open field of wildflowers that  seemed beautiful, but, halfway through, his sneezes got out of control, he hyperventilated, and passed out, never again to waken, because he happened to be allergic to the dust molecule that had been floating through the universe for billions of years collecting disease and pollen from everywhere, and when this particular molecule entered his system, it was the straw that broke the camels back, and so, he died while sneezing back out that molecule into the world again to contaminate and hopefully destroy others. next stop, beijing!
everything depends on everything to make it happen the way it should happen.
but my philosophy is killing me today, because, as i know, all this hideous crap that is occurring ALL AT ONCE in my life is for some grand scheme somewhere to come into fruition, but goddamn it, it's driving me insane.
my phone, for some reason, is not charging.
it's plugged in, but not charging. at all.
i have bought 12 chargers in the last 4 months because i usually lose them, but none of them work.
so i can't get or make calls, texts, see or access any of the photos i've taken from it, nor can i use it to get laid off grindr, scruff, whatever.
it's the way of the world.
and right now, the world sucks.

today, truly, i wish that bitch who gave birth to me 46 1/2 years ago shoved a goddamned wire coat hanger in her cunt and yanked me out, shit, even if she waited till the middle of the 9th month, it woulda been better than the day i'm having now.


fuck.


in dedication of the bloody 8 1/2 month embryonic thing that shoulda been tossed in the trash all those years ago, i am using red as i type, and it pours so venomously and deliciously from my fingers....almost as if it's flowing from the dead fetus who accidentally, and unfortunately, lived.




so, now that i have all of that off my chest, and since my phone's fucked and i am so fuckin' annoyed in general, i'm gonna go enjoy my day with Buddy...who never answers back, and is always happy, for real happy, not like that fucked up family up above!)
LOL
bye now!
xo
j/o

j/o has left the building...

this is only a test!

it was  then, at that very second that there seemed to be a glitch, or switch, from the regularly scheduled program to static, which went immediately into the most horrific siren sound that pierced my ears straight into my brain. BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! BEEP! and then, silence.

until, not even a second later,

"this is a test from the Emergency Broadcast Company.  for the next sixty seconds we will be conducting....." blablabla.

to think, a test from the emergency broadcast company, who, if in case this WASN'T a test,

would i'm sure, be so far away from their desks, and running insanely home to their family's, or lovers, or wherever just to get away from the impending doom that was obviously about to crash right into them, probably, no, most definitely destroying everything around them that they had ever known...so, like, what good was this anyway?

he grabbed the remote and started switching through channels, quickly realizing that there was actually nothing at all on t.v., so he flipped open his dvd case of porn, pulled out the first dvd he saw, popped it n the player, hit play from where he left off last time, and as his hand slid down into the warmth of his cock, then a bit further to under his balls, his "taint", between the corduroy jeans and tighty whitey's, he felt that certain pull in his nut sack, and his dick started pulsing. and then, just as the Tom & Jerry cartoon he was watching got interrupted by static, so did his sexual desire for the next few weeks...when the video started playing where he had stopped it last time after he blew his load jacking to that scene, his stomach got nauseous, his cock went immediately limp, his whole body got clammy and he felt sure he would throw up. there it was, full, on screen, right in front of him was the sight he thought could possibly be the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, right in front of his eyes...naked. Michael Lucas, naked, getting serviced by some hot kid who obviously needed money, bad. and that was it. vomit came rushing out from his throat, diarrhea shot out of his asshole, flooding his tighty whitey's and making a mess of everything else around him...

so, the moral of the story is, don't ever watch Michael Lucas porn, unless you-re a scat queen and want to shit all over yourself...because there is maybe nothing more vial in the universe, than him naked...even fully clothed, but naked?

don't tempt fate.

you've been warned!

may be maybe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSD4vsh1zDA






i got a feeling that tonight is the first night in a long time, that everything is going to make sense...all of the troubled months that have come before this evening will somehow come together and the puzzle that so far has had me, well, puzzled, will be magically put together with one single piece that i have, for some reason, missed for no apparent reason, maybe i was sitting on it the whole time...maybe that was what that pain in my ass was the whole time...hmmmm....
but tonight might be a good night.
maybe it's going to be the best night i've ever had...
maybe the best night ever in the entire world...ever...
 since the beginning of time, and forever there will never be a night that will come close to comparing with what the ticking of the clock will bring to me 
in the next few hours....
maybe...
ya never know.
but if you don't have hope, then what do you have in the first place? maybe it won't be the best night ever.
    but...by tomorrow, it won't matter anyway.

live life for what might be.

what's possible.

what could some day be,

and never think it will go

 any other way but amazing.

trust me

why is it so hard?

why can't we be nice?

 once were in love...

but not at that high price.

 it's even hard to remember what i ever saw in you...

they told me it was to good to be true.

 and when i'd look and see your face...

i thought it was so beautiful...

saw only love in your eyes,

but enough's enough,

what a surprise!

 you proved me wrong at every turn.

my souls on fire,

my mind just burns.

am i that blind? 

if i only knew.

stupid fool.

no, not me, you!

i salute you...

go on out the door now,

you take care..

with my head held high,

my tears now dry,

the past is over.

i will get by...

.

 

it took me all of these years

to realize that you don't belong here...

ya say i'll never do better...

yea, right,

whatever!

and what? you expected me to beg?

well i'm not,

i'm done.

so when you leave ya close the door behind you.

i will be strong again.

trust me, i aint going back there ever again...

postcards from the edge (of a cesspool)

Dear Mom,

Gee, i have to tell you, as usual, 

you were right!

the people in Jersey are SUPER nice!

Everyone has a big fat, um, smile...

and is always very helpful 

whenever i need a hand,

or something...and they are very happy to help me when i'm in need of assistance.

not a day's gone by 

that i haven't needed assistance!

well, anyway, i better run,

i have a few guys from the beach cumming 

and want to make sure i am a good host!

wish you were here, 

but i know it would be hard

being you're in traction...

but anyway,

love ya lots!

xo

Joey!

if only;

and then!

i guess ...

it wasn't until around 10:00 when it hit me...

"ok, yea, i get it now..." 

went racing thru my head.

so i quickly picked up my COACH tote bag ($1275.) without saying a word, wrapped my HERMES scarf ($750.) around my head, at the very same time i threw my D&G sunglasses ($425.) on my face while at the same time

my iPhone had already dialed my car service.

"i need a pick-up, NOW!" i whispered loudly.

10 minutes would be way to long, so i swiftly breezed through the hallway and on my way toward the door, managed to swipe my 

TSE CASHMERE sweater ($1845.) and

MARC by MARC JACOBS  trench ($2790.)

and barely made it out the door by the time a yellow cab turned the corner, splashing through a puddle and dousing me with water and ruining my brand new vintage CHRISTIAN DIOR alligator pumps($3795.)....

           it was a disaster!

STARRING PORN STAR TO BE:
Kurt VonRyder

YA NEVER KNOW WHO'S WHO AND WHAT'S WHAT IN THE GAME OF LIFE.

SOMETIMES THE ONES WHO LOOK LIKE BUMS ARE BILLIONAIRES,

AND THE ONES WHO LOOK LIKE THEY BATHE IN CRYSTAL ARE THE ONES WHO DON'T GOT A POT TO PISS IN...

JUST SAYIN'...

YA NEVER KNOW...

SO,

 BE NICE TO EVERYONE!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE REMINDER.....