back on track

...around the middle of the next day, it was apparent that he had gotten a grip on himself, and was ready to take the next needed steps to get beyond the dark place he had been in for months. it wasn't actually dark, more like gray, but gray wasn't his color, he was more of a fluorescent kinda guy, and wasn't afraid of the bright lights he had grown accustomed to being in since he was a kid. it's hard to be a child prodigy, especially one that is given so much at such a young age, by people who were at the very top of their game. with that kind of permission from such higher ups, it was easy to take the reins and go faster than he should have, but he wasn't one to slow down...he loved running in the fast lane, and when he raced, he usually won...no one could catch up, or even give him any kind of competition...and the wind felt so good in his hair, when he had it, that he just ran, head held high, and let the path take it's course. but he had gotten sidetracked, gone down a wrong path a few years back, and that path wasn't one that he could run without stumbling, tripping or falling down. he had lost his breath going uphill, and had to stop many times, and try and catch his breath. but that path also taught him a lot about how to survive, how to pace himself, and how to give himself a break when he needed one. but the break had lasted longer than expected, and he had grown a little lazy, taken for granted his speed, and agility, and was out of shape to run any marathons right now...he needed to get himself back up, brush off the dirt he had accumulated from the spills he had taken, and get back on course.
he was ready to run.
he was ready to leap, soar and fly.
he was ready, and he knew that when the people in the bleachers saw him all of a sudden speed past the front runner and leave them in his dust, they would be happy to have him back...
it wasn't a comeback, for he had been there for years, but when he returned, to his glory, he felt sure that he would never look back.
only forward.
and from that moment on, when he felt the blood run through his veins and his heart race, he knew that it was on.
in his head, he heard the shot go off, and that very instant, a breeze came, blowing...
and he took off and didn't look back.
ever.

the day after

by the time he woke up, everything had changed.
the rain had stopped.
the sun was shining.
the sky was clear, a deep blue without one cloud.
his body wasn't aching,
his eyes weren't red from crying,
his heart was singing...
he was shocked and surprised,
and relieved.
what a difference a day makes, he thought,
hmm, i guess that old saying was true.

it was all in the past,
and now, he continue on his journey to a better place,
but the past wouldn't be forgotten,
just used as a "what not to do ever again" exercise in life.

lesson learned.
and learned...the hard way!

lessons in love...the Italian way.

no matter what he did, it all came down to the same thing...
he had made his bed, and he was laying in it...he knew he had fucked up in the past, but the fact still remained the same..he never did anything with vicious intent. people would think what they wanted anyway. and eventually they would see he had changed, had grown, cleaned up his act, and was a better person in a better place. he never meant anyone harm, but he never allowed them to take advantage of him either. apparently you give people the impression your insane when you fight back, because most people just lay down and accept being trampled on. maybe he didn't have to wear his heaviest boots when he kicked back, or his stiletto heels for that matter, but he did what he did, and he did it his way, and no one could ever say he didn't fight for what he believed.
he was raised by an immigrant Italian family who, although not mafia, still could still give the evil eye like no one else. his grandmother, Mom, was known to take her orthopedic shoes off her bunioned feet and throw them clear across the table and right at someone's head if they threw the wrong card out when they were her canasta partner...he knew that for a fact, and could prove it with the bump he still had on the side of his head. but no matter how hard the shoe was thrown, it was forgotten in seconds with the wise words..."If I didn't love you, I'd let you be stupid for the rest of your life..."
his grandfather, Pop, once told him one of the greatest lessons he ever learned (and the one that to this day got him in trouble) and that was that in life, some people NEED to be taught a lesson. and the only way they ever learned that lesson, was to be humiliated in public, made a fool of, and shown first hand that they in no way, at no time, should ever pull their stunts again. this had become his motto in life, and he never felt bad giving someone a well needed lesson. his buddy David was once dating a guy who, after meeting the guy for the tenth time, the kid again, on the eleventh, put his hand out and said "hi, i'm so n so..." to which he, without missing a beat, replied..."you forgot me? remember, at such n such a sex club, last saturday...i was fisting you and when i pulled my arm, which was elbow deep out, it was covered in shit!?" to which the dumb kid replied in a huff and shocked voice, "that never happened!" to which he replied, "no, it didn't but i bet you'll never forget who i am again, will ya..." and so, the kid never did. lesson learned. 
but that was years ago, and the constant outrageous behavior was apparently too much for most people, white people especially, ones who weren't raised by a family of loud crazy Italians who threw shoes and taught others how to behave...
so, what other way would he know than what he was taught by the people who loved him more than anyone he'd ever known.
were their ways wrong?
not at all, because he did learn his lessons, and he had grown up a better man.
no matter what the drama was at the canasta table, it never was even thought of as injust, only known as love. all would be better in seconds, just watch out for the flying orthopedics when you were playing cards.


that's how it was.
that's how i learned.
that's who i am, where i'm from, what i'm made of.
and in the end, it's what i trust.
lessons are never easy to learn, but once taught, they are never forgotten.
sometimes people need to be smacked on the head. sometimes they need to be humiliated and made to feel like the idiots they are. sometimes they need to be called out and reprimanded...
and so, moral of the story is;
if you do something stupid, don't be shocked when a shoe comes whipping at your head. just know that the only reason it's been thrown at all, is because the person throwing, cares enough to let you know you are not a fool, and you should learn this lesson, never do it again, and even...say "thank you for knocking me upside the head, i needed it."

cause ya probably did.





it's been a long time since i saw them. and i miss them so much. one of the last times I saw Mom alive, I was walking her home from our house, which was right next door. out of the blue, she said to me "you know Joey, not everyone gets married..." i said i knew. and then she looked at me and said "but that doesn't mean you can't have someone you love, be happy Joey, always be happy...because you deserve it, and you will find love. just make sure whoever it is, knows what a great man they have. don't ever forget that."

and i didn't.

something i don't see...

it's starting to kick in.
i feel it, slowly, seeping into my skin,
feel it entering my bloodstream,
sending shivers through my body 
and traveling straight up into my brain.
once it reaches, i know i'll have no other choice but to let it take control.
so instead of fighting the feeling,
i breathe deep, inhaling, exhaling.
i'm relaxed, but hyper at the same time.
my eyes are wide open,
jaw is clenched,
muscles tight,
and i can't get myself to sit still.
my mind races with what to do next.
should i do something?
go online and search?
pick up the phone and make a few calls?
or just remain here, alone, and contemplate.
it's not like this is the first time,
but this time is different.
it's not like i'm shocked,
just confused.
it isn't what i know, yet, it isn't familiar either.
it sunk in this time deeper than ever before.
it made me stop, think...question, and at first, fight it.
but fighting it just adds to the heightened drama of it all,
and i should really try and avoid that...
the drama is where i get everyone around me all riled up
and it makes them feel uncomfortable around me,
which pushes them away,
and leaves me here, alone. again.
but everyone can't be wrong,
can they?
what it is, is something i don't see...
maybe because it's part of me that i don't see from others perspective,
from the outside looking in, it's a different view.
am i crazy, or, can it be that they are all crazy?
when they see me they see something i don't recognize.
and the thing i recognize is not anything like what they think they see.
i see something funny, something nice, warm, accommodating, even chill.
they see it as if they are looking in a fun house mirror of what i see.
distorted.
but don't they see, i am here, just me...
and i'm not trying to cause harm,
i'm just trying to survive.
except...i guess i am causing harm, 
dangerous harm,to myself.
and no matter how hard i try, fight, or question,
they still see what they see.

and it's not right, but it's okay.
it needs to be different,
it needs to be changed.
it needs to happen soon,
because it's chaos is making me insane.

READing is FUNdamental

i hate that i have to do it,
but i will.

just cause you pushed me too far.

i was nice.

you were an asshole.

you took advantage.

you used me.

you thought i wasn't gonna retaliate?

why in the world would you ever think that?

you know me MUCH better than that.

and you know i'm no fool...

so, i ask ya,

last chance...

do you really wanna play games with me?

cuz trust...

ya gonna lose!

aks yer man'zes, or babymomma, (cuz she tryin to get knocked up wit all dem loads she done be gettin shot up her cootch) fer da coins, she can supply u, don't she do that anyway?????  911 please! i has an emergen-T

dat's whatcha git fer bein shady gurl...

ok!?

i'm gonna ask once more, and then, you're through....

wanna play??????

MORE, MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!

my philosophy on life has always been very simple...
we were all put on this earth for a reason.
we each play a role in the story that will once be known as "earth, where we went wrong"
that will have every single millisecond recorded and how every little air molecule responded to every petal on every plant, which was just shit on by a mosquito that was eaten by a bird that was hunted down by a cat that was ravaged by a dog that was trampled over by a garbage collector barreling down a street, who's wife's brothers ex-wife's husband is now married to some schmuck who was divorced twice, has 4 kids, one of whom went to school in europe for a semester and was on his way back from class when he decided to take another route home and so, went through an open field of wildflowers that  seemed beautiful, but, halfway through, his sneezes got out of control, he hyperventilated, and passed out, never again to waken, because he happened to be allergic to the dust molecule that had been floating through the universe for billions of years collecting disease and pollen from everywhere, and when this particular molecule entered his system, it was the straw that broke the camels back, and so, he died while sneezing back out that molecule into the world again to contaminate and hopefully destroy others. next stop, beijing!
everything depends on everything to make it happen the way it should happen.
but my philosophy is killing me today, because, as i know, all this hideous crap that is occurring ALL AT ONCE in my life is for some grand scheme somewhere to come into fruition, but goddamn it, it's driving me insane.
my phone, for some reason, is not charging.
it's plugged in, but not charging. at all.
i have bought 12 chargers in the last 4 months because i usually lose them, but none of them work.
so i can't get or make calls, texts, see or access any of the photos i've taken from it, nor can i use it to get laid off grindr, scruff, whatever.
it's the way of the world.
and right now, the world sucks.

today, truly, i wish that bitch who gave birth to me 46 1/2 years ago shoved a goddamned wire coat hanger in her cunt and yanked me out, shit, even if she waited till the middle of the 9th month, it woulda been better than the day i'm having now.


fuck.


in dedication of the bloody 8 1/2 month embryonic thing that shoulda been tossed in the trash all those years ago, i am using red as i type, and it pours so venomously and deliciously from my fingers....almost as if it's flowing from the dead fetus who accidentally, and unfortunately, lived.




so, now that i have all of that off my chest, and since my phone's fucked and i am so fuckin' annoyed in general, i'm gonna go enjoy my day with Buddy...who never answers back, and is always happy, for real happy, not like that fucked up family up above!)
LOL
bye now!
xo
j/o

j/o has left the building...

this is only a test!

it was  then, at that very second that there seemed to be a glitch, or switch, from the regularly scheduled program to static, which went immediately into the most horrific siren sound that pierced my ears straight into my brain. BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! BEEP! and then, silence.

until, not even a second later,

"this is a test from the Emergency Broadcast Company.  for the next sixty seconds we will be conducting....." blablabla.

to think, a test from the emergency broadcast company, who, if in case this WASN'T a test,

would i'm sure, be so far away from their desks, and running insanely home to their family's, or lovers, or wherever just to get away from the impending doom that was obviously about to crash right into them, probably, no, most definitely destroying everything around them that they had ever known...so, like, what good was this anyway?

he grabbed the remote and started switching through channels, quickly realizing that there was actually nothing at all on t.v., so he flipped open his dvd case of porn, pulled out the first dvd he saw, popped it n the player, hit play from where he left off last time, and as his hand slid down into the warmth of his cock, then a bit further to under his balls, his "taint", between the corduroy jeans and tighty whitey's, he felt that certain pull in his nut sack, and his dick started pulsing. and then, just as the Tom & Jerry cartoon he was watching got interrupted by static, so did his sexual desire for the next few weeks...when the video started playing where he had stopped it last time after he blew his load jacking to that scene, his stomach got nauseous, his cock went immediately limp, his whole body got clammy and he felt sure he would throw up. there it was, full, on screen, right in front of him was the sight he thought could possibly be the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, right in front of his eyes...naked. Michael Lucas, naked, getting serviced by some hot kid who obviously needed money, bad. and that was it. vomit came rushing out from his throat, diarrhea shot out of his asshole, flooding his tighty whitey's and making a mess of everything else around him...

so, the moral of the story is, don't ever watch Michael Lucas porn, unless you-re a scat queen and want to shit all over yourself...because there is maybe nothing more vial in the universe, than him naked...even fully clothed, but naked?

don't tempt fate.

you've been warned!

may be maybe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSD4vsh1zDA






i got a feeling that tonight is the first night in a long time, that everything is going to make sense...all of the troubled months that have come before this evening will somehow come together and the puzzle that so far has had me, well, puzzled, will be magically put together with one single piece that i have, for some reason, missed for no apparent reason, maybe i was sitting on it the whole time...maybe that was what that pain in my ass was the whole time...hmmmm....
but tonight might be a good night.
maybe it's going to be the best night i've ever had...
maybe the best night ever in the entire world...ever...
 since the beginning of time, and forever there will never be a night that will come close to comparing with what the ticking of the clock will bring to me 
in the next few hours....
maybe...
ya never know.
but if you don't have hope, then what do you have in the first place? maybe it won't be the best night ever.
    but...by tomorrow, it won't matter anyway.

live life for what might be.

what's possible.

what could some day be,

and never think it will go

 any other way but amazing.

trust me

why is it so hard?

why can't we be nice?

 once were in love...

but not at that high price.

 it's even hard to remember what i ever saw in you...

they told me it was to good to be true.

 and when i'd look and see your face...

i thought it was so beautiful...

saw only love in your eyes,

but enough's enough,

what a surprise!

 you proved me wrong at every turn.

my souls on fire,

my mind just burns.

am i that blind? 

if i only knew.

stupid fool.

no, not me, you!

i salute you...

go on out the door now,

you take care..

with my head held high,

my tears now dry,

the past is over.

i will get by...

.

 

it took me all of these years

to realize that you don't belong here...

ya say i'll never do better...

yea, right,

whatever!

and what? you expected me to beg?

well i'm not,

i'm done.

so when you leave ya close the door behind you.

i will be strong again.

trust me, i aint going back there ever again...