nonstop blathering

 anxiety gets the best of me.

like today, out of the blue, I my heart starts racing and my mind goes insane.

about what?

well, last night Jory was sick and went to bed early, so I stayed up, watched Law and Order and then went to bed. he woke up before me

this is insane that I'm even writing this.

does this make me look crazy?

what I want to say is I don't know how to be creative anymore. I think I lost my touch. I feel like, empowered that I bought this computer ND IM STILL NOT DOING WHAT I SHOULD BE AND THATS CREATING MY BOOK. so why am I staling? what makes me wait?

I'm nervous, I'm scared. what if no one gives a shit about me anymore, then what?

I am insane.

ok, no I'm not.

I'm learning about myself again. I'm trying hard to be the person I want to be. and somehow I kinda know I am...I just need to give myself a break and stop being so crazy. my mind has a tendency to always go into a dark fatal place. I get that from my mother who's always been so dramatic. we call her a drama queen and she gets so upset because she swears she's not, even tho her favorite phrase is "this too shall pass" like she survived this now too. 

but anyway, yeah, I'm trying to get my shit together. it's been years since I really checked back into this part of myself. the creative part. it scares me because I sometimes wonder if the genius of my work way back when when people actually gave a shit, was that maybe it was the drugs that pushed my limits as a photographer. I think maybe I wouldn't have had the balls to do it that way. and what a way I did it. I tattooed on my neck "my way" in my own handwriting, I thought I was clever. I thought I was smart and I had gotten over on everyone but honestly the only one who got over on anyone and hurt and destroyed my life was me. my idiotic mind went insane when I thought I was gonna die at 22. and I was in such a good place...going way up, big time...but I fucked that all up, didn't it?

my way.

huh, what a joke.

this too shall pass, I guess.

my mind plays tricks on me all the time.

it makes me nervous and scared and makes me think I'll never be enough. yeah, I never said it out loud but yeah, I guess being homeless made made feel less than. and. the fact that I have no teeth and everyone thinks people with no teeth are drug addicts!

but then again, that's me!

 

what am I doing?

fuck, I talk crazy shit and then two seconds later I turn it around and defend myself and say FUCK THAT! I am a true survivor, one who really went down to the ground, and yeah, I was foolish and yes I was blind to what I was doing with my life, but goddamnit it I did survive and I'm here, and I have worked hard and I've made something of myself. I guess I should remember those things, and appreciate what I have, instead of giving all my power away. I am a survivor and what the fuck, I may not be a millionaire but I am a good guy, a nice guy, a nursing assistant, and though part of me feels the job is below me, I also know the truth, that it's not. I actually, if I admit it, kind of love my job. I like taking care of people and doing a kind job. I just wish it paid better.

anyway...I guess what I wanted to say today is this, I amNOT a mess, and I need to stop saying that. I'm not a mess. I'm a guy who works hard and does a good job and is honest, respectful, doesn't lie and always tries to do the right thing.

so I'm not gonna be mad at myself and think I can't do this book and who cares if anyone likes it or if everyone hates it because really, who cares! I need to think of me, the old me, and the new me and respect my work as an artist and respect that I did work very hard. I did. and I was, no, I AM great. and no, not even good, great. and I do love myself and the man I've become...and the man who showed me with kindness and generosity what an amazing thing a good man can be. Jory Peterson is by far the most inspiring man I've ever met. and he loves me greater than anyone ever has. I show him every day how much he means to me. he is the greatest man and greatest role model I ever had. he's up there with Robert Bryan and Ed Newman as men who were the most like what I had envisioned my older self to be.

so from this moment on I'm going to like me, and be positive about who I am and what I want and what I can be.

I hope I get this job at the ICU...would be so cool, and I think I'd be great at it.

we shall see.

I never thought oil a million years I'd be doing this job, but then again, I'm not the same man I used to be.

today I taught myself how to use my recorder and so that starts a new part of my life. one I predicted and have thought about for years.

alright, here goes...

unfortunately for me, I find myself dealing with insurmountable ideas and thoughts of, I'll never be good enough. tonight I learned that is called Imposter Syndrome. can I overcome it?