i was almost an abortion

Saturday, August 11, 2012

i'm glad i got to see you

i'm glad i got to see you.
i hope that next time we can both smile, and maybe even laugh.
when i told you yesterday that you really are my best friend, i said it, not to get anything or to undo some of the damage my mouth had caused earlier,
i said it because quite honestly, in the three years i've been here, it's become true. maybe that's why i was able to spew out such awful hateful things to you, maybe it's because you have become more than a parent to me, and just my closest living individual. the person that, always, since i was a baby, believed in me, helped me, cried for and with me, and pushed me to grow into something incredible.
without you by my side for the past 45 years, lord knows where i would be.
it truly killed me to take you down to the places i went yesterday...but i think in retrospect, now, you maybe understand where it all came from.

i won't go back down that road ever again with you, for you got the brunt and the extreme variation that i have since put behind me. even though it was just yesterday that it all took place, i, after i picked up my other best friend, was able to smile, even if by the corner of my mouth.

from now on, i promise that you will know, 100% just how much you mean to me. you are my mother, my friend, and my rock. please know that forever till the end of time, i will be proud to call you Mommy, and i hope one day you can be proud of me also. i know i'm not an easy one...out of all the millions to choose from, you got the hardest one to keep quiet, settle down, and make obey. perhaps thats why deep down, through all of this, i was able to, through tears and heartache, stay strong. 
my life before i moved to nyc was something of childhood fairytales. you and daddy had the ability to take this disturbed baby who, to this day, obviously, still has abandonment issues, and make that child feel lovd, accepted, and needed as part of an amazing family. when i moved out it wasn't to get away, but to expand, and learn. i lived my life to the utmost, and then some, and although i sometimes went off track, it was my belief in what we had back here on 4 alton road, that made me do the right thing, and never turn my back. i'm assuming others maybe thought my actions overboard, but in time, i think they will understand that some birds just need to fly a little further, a little highr, faster, and maybe against the wind. i hope that one day the people who i once thought so highly of, can actually understand that this life, this path, was my chice, and mine alone....but just because a path is taken, does not mean it's the path that it stays on. in fact, it's only by venturing onto a different path, that one is able to see just why the more worn and used path is in fact, just that.

i hope that, after all is said and done, we can be something remotely close to what we were just last week. a family who believes and loves each other, unconditionally.
my love for you and daddy will never waver. in fact, although we disagree over certain things, we, in general, i think, and i felt today, are still nothing more than best friends.

i love you mommy.
i love you daddy.
please forgive me for everything that's taken place the past few days. please know that as we packed the house, i was unable to help, literally, because i was locked in my room, the room i was raised and brought up in, crying, wishing, praying, that the horrible dream i thought i was having, i would wake from, and walk into the kitchen, with daddy eating his korn flakes and bannana and feeding Buddy his toast, mommy relaxing, reading her paper in her housecoat, and me, the baby of the house, at home again, forever.