i was almost an abortion

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


the never ending story
from the never ending pipe.
i found deep back in my desk drawer,
staring back at me
when i was trying to clean it out,"vicious pipe" i said, indeed!
i've tried my best to pull out more
but the pipe, it was not ripe.
not ripe at all for picking
just barren and alone
cracked on one side, probably,
been cracked a long time gone.
oh well, i tried,
i did my best,
i tried to curb
but my interest
was stronger than
even i,
it's not sad, no happy,
and here is why...
even though
i didn't get
the tiniest crumb
so decadent...
would have put me
back in a place
i don't wanna be,
it's not disgrace,
just how i am,
and who i'll be
six months from now,



change is supposed to be good, right?
it usually is, especially if it's a good change.
here's the deal.
i was raised in the same house that i have been back, living at
for three years.
my family was sick, my nephew had brain cancer, my dad alzheimers,
me,  i just needed a "break" from nyc.
so here i am, re-living with and taking care of
(not very well they might add...but very well i'd insist),
and reliving what it's like to be a teenager again.
my mom still screams at me,
my dad yells at me to do shit around the house,
nothing's changed...
but, my time here is limited, and coming to an end very soon.
i am haded out to live with my friend jay, who,
has a great house in the country about 20 minutes from me,
and he loves buddy, and we are going to stay there while i look for an apartment in the city.
this takes place june 1st, or before.
so meantime, my parents are selling the home i grew up in,
the bedroom i went through puberty in,
the bathroom i've masturbated in for over 20, cough cough, years.
ooh, phlegm in my throat is nasty.
anyway, so, i guess i'm just choked up
insecure that i'll be back on my own again,
watching my folks get old has been an experience, a great one,
one i would not give back, ever.
it makes me sad to see them like this, in pain, sad, old.
maybe that's just me.
for the first time in my whole life,
through all of the apartments i've lived in,
all the tricks i slept over at,
all the bath houses n crack dens i done crashed out in,
i always had my bedroom in my parents house.
it was always mine.
i was still an innocent, cough cough, child,
growing up, learning about love, life, etc.,
shoplifting at benetton in
oh, my entire youth was spent contimplating in that room,
in this room, i sit in as i type.
it makes me sad to think that one day, some other kid or adult or whatever
will be hanging their jeans up in,
smoking singing or making love in,
my room.
my bedroom.
it makes me sad,but it makes me happy to think that maybe my spirit will float through this room and inspire some other kid to be a freak.
i think change is good.
it's what makes us grow, achieve, aspire, to become what we are next in life.
we can't always remain stable,
we must go forth, be strong, heads high,
and start to rebuild the things that are missing in our lives that leave us unwhole.
me, i know the answer to my own issues,
but i just don't listen to myself.
i know what to do,
i just wish i'd listen.
but the words are not falling on closed ears, they are respected,
and this time,
this time...
this time!
is the time.
the right time.
when things fall into place and everything shifts toward the better,
you just have to hold on tight,
take the reins,
and go forward.

now is the time.

this is a quick, un-photoshopped photo, but who is it?
i wonder...


i've been missing you say...
with good reason,
i downloaded something stupid and had to have it removed by a tech.
some g-mail notice that wasn't really.
so, today, i went to the Mac store and,
not thinking, as usual,
i let them turn on my computer, which i hadn't had on in 3 days.
what pops up?
my screen saver.
of what? you may ask...
al parker eating a big ass.
yea, of course.
thats the way life is.
you think you're being discrete, but nope.
not me anyway.
i might as well hang FAG around my neck.
well, the cute guy at Mac looked at me,

and said "you wouldn't believe the things that pop up on peoples computers."

i can only imagine.