i was almost an abortion

Sunday, September 23, 2012

DAY 47

Sister Sledge - We Are Family (Adam Clarke Club Funk Mix).

we were family...
now i know how you really be.

two more days left.
thank god this nightmare is almost over.

the past 47 days of my life have aged me probably 20 years. when i think back to the first couple of days, i remember that i didn't think it would take this long, never imagined it wuld be so hard to endure, or tht it would make me an official member of real America. white trash, that is, i mean...Buddy and i have had 47 nights the road basically, going from motel to motel, stopping at gas stations for dinner, waking up on different couches on a regular basis, imposing ourselves on friends and, what is left of my family. although they really showed me just how to get down n dirty with the white trash crew. the very peole who i know for a fact were raised better than that, proved to me just how to act if you want to make someone feel like thy aint wanted...don't think for a minute that these holier than thou rednecks did one thing to lift a finger or lend a hnd, quite the opposite. i never felt a winter breeze as cld as the reception my "family" gave to me. but they proved to me that just cause your bonded by blood, don't make ya have to love each other, it just means that your grandaddy stuck his cock in grandma too many times, and lost track of ho many little ones he had running around the trailer. it was one of the most shocking displays of humanity i hope i'll never see again. well, they shwed me one thing and that one thing is pretty solid and simple. they showed me how to never treat anyone...ope, never would i make anyone feel so unwanted. ctually, they didn't even extend that courtesy because they just blatently shut me out the ery same day they loaded up my parents trucks and ried and said how sad it is that our "family" was so close, how the "love" was so sincere, how the "bond" we all shared was something mom and pop (my grandparents who birthed these idiots) were the inspiration for this solid foundation that no one can tear apart. bullshit. literally after my uncle hlped me shove the last of my shit in my truck, and i tried to say goodbye, when i held out my hand to him and the rest of them, offering an extension to reach us into and take us hand in hand into the future, i was escorted out and as i drove away, me n Buddy, when i went to honk to say my last farewell to the house i grew up in, the faimly that i felt so lucky to have been taken in by, and the parents who held me so close, by the time i beeped the horn as the last jesture i'd make to the place i called home, when i looked back, tears welling up in my eyes, to my shock and surprise, they had already left. thy didn't even see me off, as if they were so releived that i had finally left, that just turned their backs hoping, that i'd never return...

and i never will.

the next 46 days have been spent on the computer, in a motel on the side of the highway in upstate new york. i saw the seasons change through the cracked rear view window of my pickup truck. atumn in new york is such a spetacular place to be, especcially the view you get from your $45 dollar a day room that faces either the highway traffic or if you wanted to go a little more upscale, you had the parking lot views that boast trash dumpsters and overgrown weeds "local scenic beauty". i've eaten nothing but ontinental breakasts now for 47 days in a row, an can't even recall the last time i had protein in my system. the most times i ha tochew anything to get to swallow was maybe 5, cause ice cream bars just melt in your mouth and the times it takes to chew a poptart isn't that high either. oh yea, gum. i guess gum would count as the most timmes my mouth was in use, butthen after the sugar was gone i'd spit it out anyway, so, maybe100 chews, but nothing like the number of times it takes to chew down a nice rare piee of steak grilled on charcoal with corn on the cob, fresh tomatoes and basil from the garden smothered with olive oil and maybe some home made cole slaw...hell, that's what i know my fucking family was chowing down at one of the "family get togethers" they had forgotten to call and invite me to.
for the record, i am not bitter. disappointed, yes, bitter, well...maybe just a little.

so here it is, day 47. i've ben up all night cause i just an't sleep on this bed and its pillows that have little cusioning. the best nights sleep i've had in 46 nights would have had to be one about 28 days ago when i slet and i dreed because i had just sent out $3,000. to secure what i thought as the apartment i always dreamed of that, two days later, i found out i didn't get, for some reason that still to this day remains a mystery. that was th very last time in 47 days that my body went limp, my eyes fluttered back and pretty thoughts filled my head. i slept peacefully knowing thatin just a few days, i would be going back home, to the city i loved, and the people i trusted. the city that raised me to know if someone lik me, cause they (new yorkers) don't hve time to play games. if we don't like you, don't worry, you'll know. but theres truly nothing better than the family i have found on the streets of new york. the people are real, you know in a seon how they feel, no it's not like l.a., for we are true. it's strange to me why new yorkers have such a bad reputation. theres not a tourist i've ver spoken to who's asked me a direction or for a good place to eat, that i didn't stop, give dirctions to, even walk them there if they were going my way. in new york, i learned how to trust my instincts and my gut, never thought twice that i wasn't good enough, because new yorkers will tell you, they'll roll their eyes and then let you have it for your stupidity or ignorance. it may sound soetims harsh, but it's honest and true. and you know in an instant how they really feel about you.i guess they showed me the way that i think all people should b. if you love me, then tell me, if you don't, let me be. i guess when i balance out the two diffrent worlds i grew up in, i choose the one that i now know is the only real family i can depend on. the same peope who i rarely ever see, beause they're just way to busy, ar the ame one who would, if you needed, lend you support when you need it, mae you look at things a different ay that maybe isn't the usual or preictable way but it's quite possibly the way that it just may work...the way i learned growing up surrounded by the very same people who turned their backs on me when i needed them the most, is the way i now know to be the way i don't ever want again. all those morals and gatherings once a week, in the end, don't mean anything, if when truely you need them they have somehow disappered..what about all the times we said we loved each other throughout 40some years? i guess they were just saidbecause they were expected, not said because they were meant. the thoughtless gifts and cards that are just signed at chritmas or birthay don't really mean much at all, compared to a gift that is chosen and thought out, or a card that is written out personally to someone who is appreciated for who they are, not just because they were part of some litter of kids that just happend to be shit out and raised to keep the name going, just because, and or what? i've een both worlds pretty insightful, and i know what i see is that tru th be told, i know who i can really call, through it all, family.

so, day 47.
i never thught it woul come down to this. never thought i'd lern lessons that i hadn't learnd before. as a tough street smart man who thought he would never be shocked by such simple minded people who he just thought woud somehow always have a place somewhere in his heart for sentimental things that happened 30some years ago, as i patiently await to return to the ciy that can swallow you whole, spit you out and leave your soul empty and pale,on day 47, i have to say honestly, i choose the second, for i always know where i stand. i never again will think that what we had was unique beause you've shown me the truth, both sides, and i choose the family i never have to second guess...this seems to me like it could be a dream, or a nightmare actually. but in two days time, my eyes will open and i'll be fine, back in the place i belong. not just beause they have to let me in, but because there, i know for certain, i am part of a family that doesn't lie, isn't fake, and won't tell you they love you just because...they tell you, when theyre ready, and they mean it, and it's real.

day 47.
2 more days.
god, i never imagined the things that i've seen, the way i've been treated by the ones who "loved" me...but it's better i know, i learned lessons and was shown, what i just might have been if i never left home.