i was almost an abortion

Thursday, August 9, 2012

do u think i'm mean?

you asked me once or twice lately
why i don't write about you,
you thought i hated you.
why, when i look back on those times
am i starting now to realize
that maybe what you thought was true,
maybe my love
had gone into
a different place,
from a different time,
a time when you 
were by my side.
but times have changed
and rearranged
and now i think
it's not so strange
that one time when
i really need
someone's help
when i look i see
that you're not there,
you've stepped back
and wonder now
why my heart is black.
don't you understand that i
was always right there
by your side?
don't you see?
don't you care?
it wasn't my sister
standing there...
she had other things to do,
ok, whatever,
but now i do.
i have myself
to watch over,
and buddy too,
don't be shocked when you discover
that when you die,
don't you ask
where  i am
because i'll be
a million miles
away from thee.
no tears i'll shed,
nope, none, you'll see.
in another life
maybe you'll be
the one that,
that time, needed me.
so don't be surprised,
don't be shocked
don't be foolish
from my heart 
your locked.
and never more
can i stop
the tears that came
pouring out of me,
if you were here,
maybe you'd have seen...
am i acting too extreme?
oh really?
do u think i'm mean?
well let me tell you
something true,
the reasons i
don't write of you
are because i can't
say three nice things
because of all
i can't believe i've seen...

i was almost an abortion

never once
have you even tried
to be my friend,
and stand by my side.
instead you choose
to overlook
the times i tried.
i guess i mistook
the fact that everything i do
was nothing more
than misconstrued.
by me trying
by me crying
by my applying
by me deciding
that i wanted something other than
the life you chose for me,
now i understand.
you said you'd be there,
through thick or thin,
i guess i thought
you'd be there till the end.
i guess i thought
i guess you walked
i guess i'll see
life without the you in "we".
but why now, exactly
did you choose
to stand back and
just watch me lose?
wasn't there a better time
when i was almost
doing fine?
but then i guess
i wouldn't see
the reality
of you and me.
times are tough
times are hard,
and now your love
i must discard.
it's really sad,
it sucks, you'll see,
i promise you
no more of me.
so don't say that
i didn't try,
for if you do,
i won't deny
that every single day i stood
and nights alone,
and weeks i should
have been out there
living just for me,
instead it's now,
i really see,
exactly what you thought of me.

i was almost an abortion,
somedays i pray,
cause if i was
there'd be no day
that my heart would be so shattered
my life crushed,
my bones battered,
by someone i thought
truly mattered.
i guess that's life.
i guess thats it,
so long.
i quit.

You R Alone

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)

well, i guess that's it,
not even a reply.
it's ok, i guess.
i didn't think that i
warranted another chance
but i guess thats just part
of the past.
i'm so happy that
you did what you did.
you helped yourself,
and from me hid.
you say your upset,
about to cry,
as i sit here basically
about to die.
no helping hand
no reaching out
just me, alone
and so, i doubt
that all the things
you told to me
were really truths
now, i see
that you thought you'd keep me
close at hand
while you left me no where
left to stand.
i walk the streets
alone, just me,
and when i reach out for you
i see
your gone
no where in sight.
and now it's getting dark,
and though i try
i squint real hard,
you've left me solo
with disregard.
ok, i get it
you thought i'd be
better off alone,
what you did was push me down
into a pit
i thank you, so much,
i truly appreciate it.
the lesson learned
that now i've learned
is trust no one
because you will get burned.


not so very long ago,
in a place not very far away,
it heard it just by coincidence,
but i definitely heard you say,
please don't take that extra step,
stay close to me,
not far away,
i swear that i'll always be here,
and then
you went away.
there i stood,
alone at last,
except now you were part of my past,
and when i called out
and asked you please
to stay with me,
cure my disease,
you vanished so far 
from my reach
that it seemed as if 
your words were breached.
how one day
can you tell me this,
and next day it's basically as if
the things you said
you never did,
when i need you most
your gone, you hid.
i lay alone in bed at night
in my mind are dreams of fright
and when i wake
i think i see
an image of you
looking back at me.
but the image is blurry
the past is gone
and now i'm here
where i don't belong.
and so i ask you
one more time,
a second chance?
be kind.
for no one understands where i
have come from,
through my darkest nights,
you once sat,
and comforted me
and now no more,
just me.
i thought you told me
i thought i'd see
myself by your side
for eternity
but when i ask you
just one time,
you decline.
where do i go now
what can i do?
i ask around
but no one knew.
it's now or never
this time is it,
and so i wait,
alone i sit.

far away

i understand where ur coming from.
i know that you only see the bad,
but the good is also inside me,
just impossible to get at without a chance...
i've tried so many ways,
i've asked a million times,
i don't have anywhere to turn to,
can't u see the terror in my eyes?
i'm all alone,
i'm helpless,
have nowhere left to hide,
all i see when i look close
is what i'm trying hard to realize
is that i've got no home,
i've got no time,
i've got no job,
nothing left inside,
and now as i sit all alone
i feel my stomach turn
i watch myself from afar
starting to fall and burn.
all im asking
is a hand,
i know you must, somewhere inside,
know, and understand.
i am 2 feet away
from blossoming again
and when i reach my hand out to you,
it's because i think you are my friend.
i don't know where to turn
i dont know what to do...
am i asking way to much
when i ask that question of you?
i know youve helped me
many times,
and i would never
pretend that i
didnt understand
where youre coming from,
i know where,
trust me,
i am someone...
id never try and hurt you, never,
i love you so much,
but its now or never,
i have less than 20 days,
and after that,
i go astray.
into darkness,
and far away.

How Will I Know

Whitney Houston - How Will I Know  2012 (Big Wilde Funky Beach House Rem...

what i need is really love...
and i wish to god i could have that.
just once,
once in a while?

so here i am.
the year was supposed to start off better than the last
when i was lying in a hospital bed, in a coma.
oh well,
nothing works out the way you want it to i guess.
when i look behind me,
i see a lot of good,
but a lot of bad also.
everything, everyone, everywhere
i went, i caused joy, and havoc.
now, i am here, 45 years old,
well, Buddy, but that poor baby has no clue whats up.
we travel our lives in circles that sometimes spin out of control.
sometimes they lead us to a safe haven where,
we can just rest and smell the sweet fragrant flowers,
others, the stench is so strong,
it buries us alive in it's decay.
i'm here!
i'm trying!
give me a fuckin break!
all i need is a hand to reach back to me,
to see the potential,
to grasp it from falling down...

is that to much to ask??