down n out.
ugh
it's been way too long since the pendulum has swung back from where it somehow stopped, and left hanging in mid air...my life as well as the pendulum on the steep clock tower that overshadows me, never letting sunlight show through, keeping me black, untanned and unenergized. nothing good grows around me, it's a barren field of weeds and dried grasses that don't look pretty, just clutter the yard and annoy the neighbors.
oh, poor me..
one more try, it's not a lot to ask.
is it?
once i didn't even need one chance, and was given plenty of them,
most of which i squandered and demolished and sucked up my nose...
the good old days.
so, i been looking for a new apartment, home, office space to move the only man i ever really loved, Buddy, into. this morning i woke up early, excited, ran to the computer and the very 1st apartment listing i found, i loved. i called, and ran over to Brooklyn to see it asap. i loved it, i imagined what id do to it, how id make it amazing, and mine...20 minutes after leaving the apartment, after signing an application for it, i got a call saying it was already taken...my heart, crushed again...fell into gloom, and depression kicked in. all day, every other apartment i saw, i hated. it isn't fair.
everything i want is everything i can't have. amazing careers, jobs, apartments are dangled in front of my face, and then, when i get up the courage to reach, thinking this must be the time i'll receive rather than give, it gets snatched away, in an instant, and i'm left shaking my head, ready to cry, and shaking in disbelief. one more try...
just one.
all i want is the chance to start my life over again, begin fresh, revisit my childhood fantasy of being an independent man who isn't afraid of anything, isn't ashamed, isn't scared. just isn't anything, but is happy. is loyal, is content, and is, a man, who, besides anything else in this world, is a man who is getting very tierd of tripping over my shoelaces, stepping into puddles, and slipping on banana peels that appear from nowhere. i need this to stop. i am trying...goddamn it, i am trying, so hard.
i'm almost ready to say fuck it and just live out my life as a hermit...
but i'd have to be missed for anyone to even care and make it worth my distance and depression...
lol
i know, i'm a mess,
but a mess is still human too,
one more try,
please God...
thats all i really need...
xo
joe
