i was almost an abortion

Friday, December 30, 2011


i just got back from an NA meeting.
i had forgotten how much i hated meetings until this one,
when someone in the room raised their hand and started blaming others in the room for their relapsing.
isn't that typical of an addict?
take anything you can find, and blame it for everything you have become.
it infuriates me, and makes me wih i never had to goto another meeting again.
but, once in a while, i guess i do.
i'm not perfect, and i'm not special...
but i'm smart, smart enough to know when i'm being foolish.
the last year was a year to point finger and blame the universe formy problems.
but in reality, those problems were caused by, accelerated by and done by, me.
by me and to me.
no one else.
step one in my new life is to understand and not blame others for my unfortunate choices i make to use drugs, make myself depressed and become and stay an addict.
it did nothing for me but make me fall, but fall i did, and fall i just may do again, but...
i won't blame anyone else for that.
that is part of whatr makes me the person i am, and will be.
every second a chiice is given to you,
do i want strawberry or vanilla ice cream?
would i like to go right or left?
do i wanna get high, or not?
it's my choice, my mistakes, my life.

my life, my mistakes,
my choice.

what moore can i say?
it's finally clear...
crystal clear, that if i use, i'll be a mess...
and i won't move forward, but rather, back to who i used to be, was, and still am...
it's my problem, my life, my mistakes, my choice.
and i choose to not be a mess, anymore.

try, try again.

starting over.
simply put,
everything must change!
an inner vision today, inspired me to understand in it's entierty,
the way things really could be if life was different.
if i played by the rules and played the game a little differently.
would i be in the place i am now if i indeed played the game the way everyone else does?
but the games rules have changed, gotten tougher,
and so, so i have i.
i've needed a change in my life for years
but never took the initiative,
well, i thought iwas but really wasn't,
to let go of the bad and accept good,
 and change the bad and in return back to a goodness
that i had forgotten.
from now on, i am going to try, harder...
it's never to late to let yourself change things up a bit,
or a lot...
it's never too late.
my life will be more structured in a way i can't imagine yet,
and i will try and function in a normal state
like other people do, normal people,
people who have jobs, and kids, and a life...
interesting concept.
having a full time job, going home to the wife and kids and summering on Cape Cod.
that's not my goal personally, but it's a way of life i can't really imagine.
i love my chaotic no-idea-what's-gonna-happen-next way of living,
although, having structure somewhere would be a good thing.
and so, structure is rule number one, goal number one, and the first thing i will try to cultivate in myself,

then i gotta get my fat ass back to the gym cause i am fat as hell.
it's gross.
then i want to get back to the city,
clean, sober,
botox and a few pulls,
and i'm back to the old me.
maybe some fillers here n there,
but otherwise, the old me.

and i'm ready too.
it's like when you can see the horizon break when the sun rises out of it.
at first it's hazy and burning so hot it sizzles,
then everything comes clear, comes into focus.
it's the time i have been prolonging for years,
and so,
here it is,
here i am.
destiny takes over and the man lives a normal-ish life.
it sounds like a perfect plan.

2012 will finally be THE year.
although supposedly every year is also supposed to be the year.
it just never blossoms the way we expect.
but with faith, hope in one's self, a willingness to try,
and and a few goals,
i believe i can make it.
i'll try anyway.

styled by the one and only, david dalrymple.

Coming Home

one more day.
thank God.
i can't take much more.
but, like a circle, i've come 360,
and finally feel ready to come home.

2011 wasn't kind,
made me blind,
forgot what good was,
left me for dead.
had nothing but bad things
going through my head.
but through the dark, there was light,
hard work and determination,
washed away
all the pain of yesterday.
so now i hope and i pray
that tomorrow's another day
2012, i hope will be
something better for us, ahead.

it's time to put all the bad aside
look forward and stop kicking ourselves
for the past mistakes and blunders.
i'm starting over,
without regret for my past,
and beginning again,
one step at a time.
my grandmother used to say
the way you go out in the old year,
is how your entire year will be.
so, clean your house,
wash your clothes,
start out anew,
and maybe, just maybe,
the new year will be something clean,

it's time to come home,
make life better,
and begin again.