i was almost an abortion

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


he didn't know where it came from or what inspired him to have such a revelation, but...all of a sudden, something clicked inside his head, and he understood that everything he had been overwhelmed by and all of the drama he had had to deal with were things that he had to change, and things he could change if he just did things a little differently. he had to take a stand, get organized, reevaluate everything and find out what was most important, take care of those things first, and then things would begin to change. it was really that simple. the ball was in his court, and the time was now. it had been too long since he was able to understand that what he didn't think was such a big deal, was turning everything he knew into a huge ordeal. 
and he was over it...

"it's all up to you" he told himself.
now or never, and you aint getting any younger...
there's no one else to blame,
nothing more to say,
nowhere left to turn.
the time had come,
and there was nothing else to do, but do it.

Monday, November 26, 2012


Destiny's Child - Survivor (Official Music Video HD)

it was the best of times
           and the worst of times.
he had seen the signs coming, but had no way to stop them. they were small signs at first, but in time, they grew larger, rang louder, and now were piercing and overwhelming all around him.
when he thought back and tried to pin point exactly how he had gotten himself in this situation, he realized that it wasn't just one precise moment or thing that began his downward spiral, but in fact it had been years of mismanagement, wrong turns and lapses in judgment. but at least now he knew it, and was doing something to change his pattern and make a conscious effort to regain his footing and restore his life.
it wouldn't be easy, but it was necessary, and he knew that in the end, he would be happier and hopefully have his life back.
he'd do his best, he'd try real hard,
 and he'd hope for a second chance...

after all, he was a survivor. 

Thursday, November 22, 2012


sosnap-I've got the power(remix)

one trick pony
is that really what you think of me?
well, guess what,
i've got a lot more up my sleeve.
i'll turn everything you've ever known
into something you've never seen.
turn things that you'd call average
into crazy fantasy's.
for the skills i embody
and the creativity i posses
turn molehills into mountains
and my skills do not transgress.
for i hold within me power
unlike the world has ever known
and the wonders i create
are mine, alone, to own.
the mountains i have climbed
the seas that i've swum
make it possible to do things
that have never before been done.
if only you had believed in me.
didn't i tell you long ago
be patient,
set me free,
and just let me go.
within me i believe
that i alone do hold a key,
just give it time
let me cross the line,
i will fulfill my destiny.

(trust me, 
just sit back and you will see,
all the things that i have told you
are things your mind cannot conceive.
but remember,
i have warned you.
for the last time
you've been told,
who and what i truly am,
i won't let be undersold.)

ok, so, i am thankful!

ok, so, i am thankful!
i'm thankful that i have my health, well, whatever is left of it. i'm thankful that i have my family, whoever is still alive.  i'm thankful that i have my friends, if only they were talking to me anymore. i'm thankful for Buddy, cause he's the only one who really understands me, and i'm thankful that i am so twisted and meticulous and anal that i can spend hour upon hour doing Photoshop, the one thing that i think keeps me sane-(ish).
so, ok, happy thanksgiving...whatever that means anymore, anyway.

i swear i'm not bitter,
 just a little cranky these days...

what i did today, besides smoke pot and walk Buddy, who, btw, jumped in a lake not knowing how cold it was and then jumped out yelping..it was hysterical!

David Dalrymple for House of Field Presents:

Dalrymple-LaForge for House of Field Proudly Presents:

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Reflections of Thankfulness, Gone Wrong.

The Supremes - Reflections (PNP Remix).

Through the mirror of my mind
time after time...
i see reflections of you and me,
reflections of the love
that was meant to be...



As the year begins it's descent into becoming just another year we will roll our eyes at when we look back upon, 
we must stop and really become aware
of just exactly what a hideous year it was...
how the devastation it caused on us
is really so much bigger, 
and so much more hideous
than other years before.
that will help us separate and distinguish
these last 11 months
into, quite possibly,
the most hideously devastating
we as a culture
will quite possibly ever see again.
I could try to be one of those people who chooses to always look on the bright side of things, sure i could. but i won't.
those people who see life through rose colored glasses, sometimes
need a god kick in the butt to understand that some things actually
aren't things we will "get over" or "rise above".
sometimes, some things, really fuckin' suck.
and yes,
 i am the first one to say that everything happens for a reason,
but the reason actually just may be too fucked up to imagine...
no matter how hard we try, how many times we must
get back up and brush ourselves off and start again,
no matter how the cookie crumbles,
we still get effected by those damn cookie crumbs that
 a) get us fat, b) have gone stale,
 and c) weren't really the kind of cookie we like anyway,
but we ate em just cause they were there.
we can't predict that every outcome of every situation
will be something that will be the one thing that will, in the end,
change us, make us happy and leave us satisfied, rectified and justified.
 they just leave us miserable and with a bad taste in our mouths.

 That is how i will look back on and recall 2012.
i started it with the hopes that it would be the year i broke free,
the year i surpassed all the pain, climbed up and became
the one thing that remains to be missing, and fame
would be there at my fingertips, for it was simply, naturally,
all that remained of a life not at all refrained
but instead, all i gained
was nothing more than deranged.
 i tried to move mountains,
i fought hard, i had hope,
i stopped, looked and listened to every line ever spoke.
i tried things a little differently than i'd done them before,
in hopes that, this time,
they would open yet, another door.
but the doors slammed the lights shut
and what seemed hopeful, just turned my stomach,
for i realized that it simply wouldn't, shouldn't and couldn't be
the way i'd hoped them to be.
my dreams now, all nightmares,
were just how, now i see,
that what was once a bright spark, then a flame, now is simply
 burned out.

So the once upon a time that i'd hoped would be
the opening sentence for my life's history
has pages that are missing,
chapters half written, pages ripped or ripped out.
and the fairytale ending, prince charming and sunset i'd ride into
instead reads like a bad script.
one that wouldn't get picked up for another season,
just one that gets tossed in some corner
 or filed away on some shelf.
perhaps i was wrong, it's not at all a love song,
instead the record skips, and just wasn't a hit.

Maybe next year will be all i hoped this one would be.
should i dare hope or pray?
 and for this one, should i be thankful?
i think not.
but that's alright, i'm ok.
tomorrow is just another day.
and again, i'll be hopeful,
i will try, i'll be brave.
but time, please, just be kind,
because i can't do this again.

The End
(or rather)
To Be Continued...

Reflections of the love that was meant to be.
all now nothing but distant memories...

I Am...Sasha Fierce

Beyoncé I Am...Sasha Fierce Megamix 2009

 Sometimes i forget just 
how fierce i can be.
it's cause i'm always broke, hardly work, 
and have a fierce case of a.d.d.
but then i get the camera in hand,
tell the model how to stand,
and in seconds
i'm back...
right back on track. 


House Music New 2009 - If I Were a Boy remix - Beyonce

                          oh yea, right...it's thanksgiving...
    so much to be thankful for...
 only 29 more shopping days till christmas, then a week of returning shit your aunt gave you, and then it's new years eve...what? you don't have plans...or a date?! well then, you must be a complete loser...how pathetic. 
you can feel like a loser, if you want, dress like one by shopping at Forever 21 when you're really 41...or, you can relax, smoke a big fattie, and relax while your mom cooks the turkey, you can choke your chicken all day all night...and if your grandfather is still as ornery as grandma used to say, challenge him to a good old fashioned blow-off, and see who's really packin' the family jewels...

 OMG, 12 4 real-

10 things to love about being 18-

jail or master bait-

well dressed man (unfortunatly)-

a better reason to join a gym-

all grown up-

jock-supporting our troops-

completely str8, ok-

   something about defeat-

ok, ok, u win-


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

so, what's next?

                  so, what's next?
       where do u go when you've already gone down the side roads and back alleys, been to heaven and hell and then some?
you've wreaked havoc, broke barriers, signed your name, exposed yourself,
there's no where left to turn run, or hide...
                     nothing more to be said.
because you've already said too much,
didn't even know you had all that to say.
and the returns on the investments 
                     that you've already made
            show no sign of life, just decay.
and the more of you that you give
leaves them expecting double the next time.
wondering who, when, where, why,
                but never asking "how much?"  or exclaiming "how divine!"
              when you give it away for free,
           you hope that it someday pays off.
        the idea that it will be appreciated 
        or returned 
just goes to waste, 
it won't happen.
     so leaves your mouth with a bad taste...
what more do you want?
what more do you need?
i'm bleeding, i'm breathless, i've empty...
               but you still say "whatever.."
               expect more more more!
and if it isn't perfection,
                     you just close the door.
so now, exhausted from the ideas i've lent
from my open book of a life, sans repent,
             my head dropped from exhaustion,
             my mind empty and spent,
             nothing more i can do, nor say,
             lifeless, i lay...
all alone in the cold room
no one asks "you okay?"
that would be all to kind,
too much to ask, i must say.
           nothing's late, nothing's needed, 
          nothing's pressing, nothing's left,
         and so again i ask you,
         so now, what's next?
                             can you tell me?
                            do you even care?
             or am i just here to be drained?
             left empty, broke and exposed...
nothing inside me remains.
                 there's got to be something.
                         there must be a way.
          when you give all that's inside you
          you hope someday they'll repay...
but all you can do is cross fingers 
                      and just hope and pray.
                 but the masses are fickle...
                  they've already moved on...
                           to the next thing,
                                 the new one,
          the hot trend of the moment, which,
         has no idea what's about to come...
         cause their times almost done.
will they ever stop and say thank you?
ever give credit where it's due?
ever say "wow, amazing!"
that would be too good to be true.

so once more, i repeat
 because i don't have a clue...
i ask you, what's next?
 no reply?
why would you?

don't even know why i'm upset,
no, i guess i do...
it's the way of the world
but it's time that they knew...
              this drains everything from me.
              i honestly think that i'm done,
             but then something inside stirs,
      and the whole process again, has begun.
God, please, this time, save me... 
                   let me learn from my past. but i know better about me, and i know this won't last.

as i look up to the sky, right into the sun,
              i know that i've already lost
                     and again, you have won.


as was very typical for him...
although he talked and talked
virtually non-stop,
and about anything...
to ANYONE who would listen,
he really had absolutely nothing
of importance at all to say.
but that didn't stop him anyway...

can't sleep, again, i just toss and turn, right side, left side, fix the pillows, re-fix them, start again..oooh, now i'm thirsty...so i get up, and while i'm there i decide i should try and pee before i head back to bed. so on the way to the bathroom i pass the computer, and think it wise to check my mail..cause i always get important mail at 4am...so, after facebook, gmail, and a piece of pumpkin pie, i decide that i will cruise around and find what things might excite me...and, somehow, i stumble across this Unm Thurman sex link, which is really inly badly Photoshoped porn pics with Uma's head pasted on...yet...i'm intrigued..

           why didn't i think of          that?
 cause i'm too busy doing nothing...i guess...

what's (kinda, very) HOT

http://www.asstr.org/search.phphttp://www.asstr.org/Madonna - Justify My Love (video)

for you...
to justify my love...
to justify something is to give it validity. to make it seem ok, alright, even fine. without justification, things that some may view as "taboo" are things that others just may find hot.
just because it may not be "normal" doesn't mean it's not happening all over the world...maybe even in your own town...or next door.
but it's not for you to judge.
it's not for you to ask why.
because it's only fantasy anyway.

i don't wanna be your mother.
i don't wanna be your sister, too.

talk to me.
tell me your dreams.
that's right.
tell me...
am i in em?

sometimes you just don't even see it coming.
then, there it is...from out of the blue...
and it hits you like a ton of bricks. 
you don't know who what when where or how...
but you know that your no longer the same
 person you were, just seconds before.
and you have to pinch yourself to be sure it's real...because when it's real, i mean, really, REAL... then nothing will ever be the same, ever again.