i was almost an abortion

Saturday, June 30, 2012


and what he at first thought would take him forever to get started,
actually was the thing that was the quickest.
he picked up the phone, and spoke.
from his mouth the words flowed like water,
and in beautifully constructed sentences
with a hint of a poetic twang
to make it seem more down home and passed on information.
he stopped crying and started thinking,
and within days,
it was all okay...

Whitney Houston - How Will I Know (Van Hooft & Forever Kid Remix) [HD] [...

i guess,
you just know.

he's the one i dream of...

happy 4th

july 4 1776,
our forefathers set out to reinvent life as they knew it.
they took everything they thought was wrong,
and turned it upside down
to be better and more efficiant
for us, as people,
American people,

look what we've done with it...










the face that launched, everything

who ever said that
life was fair?
anyone who said that
never actually lived...
they read about it in some magazines,
flipped through a book about it once,
scanned the internet,
looking only at pics...
that's what i'm guilty of today.
today, i was fliping through facebook,
when i had to stop,
and it brought me back to myself,
thinking that there IS something more out there
in this great big beautiful world...
and so, i rested my head,
relaxed my tense shoulders,
and sat, in awe...

like, wow.

At Last

Cyndi Lauperat last...

the skies above, aren't blue,
not yet.
they turn from black to gray to pink to orange to yellow and back to blue.
and then, when the storm is over,
and the skies have opened up and poured down,
raindrops bigger than tears,
that's when i'll know that,
at last,
my life has come along...

as time ticks on by,
without thinking about why,
something caught my eye,
and made me stop and cry.
but who is it,
why did they,
how come i wasn't prepared?
isn't it time we all understood
that nothing lasts forever?
everything i had,
and everything i lost
everything i created,
and everything i built,
didn't prepare me for the truth.
the truth hit me hard.
made me sad.
made me stop,
made me think,
made me cry...
so now what?
what's next?
who can i count on?
lean on?
turn to?
what are my options?
where do we go from here???

here we go...

what a difference a day makes...
well, take that, and multiply it by 7,
and you can possibly understand what i'm up against.
what seemed like a pleasant existence just 7 days ago
has turned inside out,
upside down,
and left me speechless,  motionless, and well, basically,
the good deed i did three years ago, trying to help my family through some hard times,
all came to a screeching halt just the other day.
my mother, when i walked in the house,
announced that, indeed,
they had sold the house...
something we had been trying to do, but, hadn't had much success...
well, success came a knokin,
and then, when she told me we had exactly 30 days, one month, to get out,
i nearly died.
it hit me unlike i had expected it to,
you see,
for all my bitching and moaning,
i grew up in this house.
i went through puberty,
masturbated in,
had my first wet dream in,
made out with girls, and boys in,
made plans for college in,
etc. etc etc,
this house.
and now, in less that a month,
everything i ever knew, will come to a halt.
stop, and i'll never sit in my bedroom again..
i'll never lay in my bed, watch tv in the family room, eat in the kitchen,
and so, it's been freezing my mind,
making anything and everything seem impossible to grasp, reach, get a hold of...
after all this time,
after coming back,
i just always thought, i'd never leave.

and so, now, my life takes on another twist.
because i have the love of my life here with me, Buddy, my dog, who,
i can't imagine life without,
i have no job,
no apartment,
and nothing to reach and grab a hold of...
i'm sad,
i feel alone,
i feel like i have nothing to do with it, because, well,
i don't.
my life from here on will be like starting over,
starting from square one...
growing up, fast.
and without a safety net.

if something were different, if only i had a job...
a job...
a man...
a life.

so i am careful to take every step...
i am cautious to breathe,
it frightens me to think of where i'll be in 30 days...
but, somewhere, pleaseant,
i hope...

 here we go...

Friday, June 22, 2012

lets go queen, cause i'm ready

                do u know me?  cause i represent all the things about gay people that people detest.
                                                     and i wonder why i can't get laid!

at the end of the day,
as i kneel down to pray
for the things i have seen
that have been so extreme.
some of the things that i've heard
i find simply so absurd,
cause they come from the mouths
that know nothing about
when they hear themselves speak
they hear what they think is unique,
but to those who know better,
it sounds just like jibber,
from someone who is nothing
but thinks that she is something.
but from miles away
you can watch them decay
for their lives are about
nothing important,
i doubt
that they even exist
i know that
they wouldn't be missed,
for they just take up space
and destroy the human race
with their words and their face
which will soon be erased.

wiped out
who will miss
them at all,
just one guess,
no one at all,
so just smile as they fall.

oh, by the way...
happy gay pride girl,
i'm sure the people who actually suffered before us
would be very proud of you...

your moms not either.