i was almost an abortion

Thursday, February 28, 2013


Madonna - Miles Away (new 2009 promo-video) Trendsetter aka Mark Holiday...

too much of no sound
uncomfortable silence can be so loud...
and i am hearing crickets
that echo, in the uncomfortable silent way
only they can make. a high pitched screeching noise that could also be mistaken for a symphony orchestra playing the dramatic piece that could accompany the last scene in a horror film where the main character is being chased into a long dark alley way that ends up being a dead end...years ago they loved me, and when i'm miles away, they say they still do, it's only when i'm up close and personal, that they don't remember my name, who i am, or, was, what i did, how it was, and, i hate to say it, but, up until a few days ago, thought it could again be...

it used to be the sound of the phone ringing unstoppably at all hours with people demanding my time, needing a minute or two, hoping for a second of time for my opinion that i never second guessed. now i am on guess number 14, let alone 2 or 3, and have no answers in any close sight...where did i go wrong? what was the final straw? why didn't i see it coming, and why isn't anyone giving me a second chance (again, on 14, forget about second or third ones). but it sounds like an accident that happened one minute ago...when everyone around turns, but after they've screamed, and then there is just silence because the devastation is so great...the smoke, still rising from the flames takes everyone's breath away, and there is the anticipation that when they get up close, the answers to what happened will be catastrophic, and then...after the silence, louder screams, and then sobbing for the loss of everything that is gone, what it could have maybe one day been, and what will never ever again, have the chance to be...

as the orchestra begins to play the final piece, the credits start to roll, and then the moment i've been waiting for for almost four years now...
"THE END" appears and then, fades away as the curtains close and the lights come on, and we can all go home, back to where everything is comfortable, warm, cozy, and great.

   ...shot off my phone in Bryant Park this afternoon, before my long journey, which became a nightmare, began...

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

My Way

Frank Sinatra - My Way (Beat Syndrome Remix)

at the end of the day,
when you look back and be happy for everything you accomplished,
or, pissed that you did nothing all day,
one thing you should always be content with is the fact that
whatever it is you did,
you did it and you did it your way.
if i had a shoot, then,
it was done with me giving 4,399,000% of myself, maybe more...
if i sat n picked my nose or surfed the computer or jacked off all day,
than, goddammit, i put everything i had into making sure that the load was shot,
the web was scrubbed n i found what i was looking for, or the snot that seemed oh so far up my nostril that it actually felt like it was in my brain when i finally got it out,
BUT, i got it out,
and in the end,
that's whats important.


a Madonna Gang Bang

Gang Bang Official Music Video


i've known her since what? 1982?

i know everything she's done, i've seen her in concert 6 times, i live for her. even when she was "madge" i thought she was just being retarded just cause she's human, right?
but maybe i don't really know her at all...i mean, she's a multi-level woman who always keeps you guessing...she always comes for you in ways you don't ever expect. she's always fierce, always cunty, always insanely pulled together...she hits trends that are way down deep in the underground and makes them internationally known...neon, lingerie as fashion, those rubber braelets, i mean, it's endless...where would we be without madonna?
i have to say, and i hate to say it...we'd be stuck still in the stone age, because absolutely no one comes close, and it's gonna be a long time before someone will even try to compare...
she's a legend.
she is, Madonna.



classic j/o

                       it's alarming sometimes when i stop and think of the hours i spend indecisively wondering, questioning, seeking and plotting the next move i will make for the next ten, maybe twelve years of my life...
i just can't sit still, as i toss and i turn, never knowing, always guessing never stopping only starting as i seek and i try,
 still, no answers in sight...
i'm stuck in a place with no escapes. no trap doors, no fire escapes.
 no exit, from nowhere, no angle, nothing but feelings of entrapment and uncertainty. what do i do next? what do i do now?
   who will be there to watch over me just in case, or...protect me when i fall?
it's never an easy answer. i can't sleep, so i play on the computer, Photoshop is my game of choice, and it makes perfectly good sense to me that if i play long n hard enough, 
maybe, one day, i'll win...

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


RuPaul - Supermodel (Goldenuff's Sticks & Stones Workout Remix)

sashay. shante...
that's right, u know who u r..
leather men who work out their "masculinity" in chaps n thigh high boots...ok?!
we as homos think that we throw on a leather vest or harness, and everyone's gonna think we is menz...
4real gurl!
ask urself...how many "str8" masc men actually wear a harness, chaps with their freshly douched out holes exposed, n aviator sunglasses at 3am?
yup, right, NONE!
so, as the month of march rolls around and the infamous Black Party takes it's place at the top of the "must be at" parties of the year, i have just one thing to say to all the men attending, and all the men who wish they could be there, but can't get away from their "wives"...
        "YOU BETTER WERQ!"

 here's some random images of leather drag i've shot over the last millennium...njoy!


Monday, February 25, 2013

Voices Inside My Head

Voices Inside My Head
The Police (PZO remix)

 ya gotta wonder, and, be afraid...
be VERY afraid of what goes on 
inside my head!

so today i was doing some work on some photos i shot this past weekend, starting thursday i shot a shoot, or 2, a day. it's exhausting work, but it keeps me out of trouble, and it makes me push myself to other levels i never imagined. like today, as i was retouching a shoot i did with newbie-porn/supermodel extraordinaire chad laclair, my mind started racing at this very, frightening idea i had.
i have been tossing around the idea of maybe starting a porn studio that would be something completely different from whats out there. i, personally, don't watch porn because it's like watching my grandmother eat out my little sister, and that's just gross...so, i wanted to do things in an "indy" sort of way where no 2 movies would ever be the same, i wouldn't do the typical story lines or casts, i'd make each film  it's own little art project, maybe one would be documentary style, maybe one in grainy black n white, but this one, this one would be made when i had a ton of cash...it would be a big-budget epic musical based on Spielberg's classic Schindler's List. but the twists would be fierce. 
here's the quick story, lemme know what ya think..
Dieter, a handsome Nazi/Hitler youth (who happens to have the gayest lisp ever) falls in love with Saul, a Jewish boy, in the concentration camp he is in, where Dieter is a guard. yada-yada-yada, big musical number of heart wrenching sadness/love/matzoh then CUT! intermission. 
act 2- Dieter is given orders to bring Saul and his family to the oven, but not to cook dinner, and it all becomes a frenzy, and just as the gas gets turned on, yada-yada-yada, big musical number of heart wrenching sadness/love/matzoh as Dieter and Saul express their love, and, well, there's gotta be sex in it if it's a porn, so, maybe it's a big orgy...i haven't gotten that far yet, but then, yada-yada-yada, big musical number of heart wrenching sadness/love/matzoh and curtain!

yes? no? maybe?
maybe it's a little edgy, but, who knows...
i mean, if michael lucas can make a movie with his face n little skinny pee-pee, then maybe the world is ready for Schindler's Lisp, the musical...maybe!

           (more on chad laclair later...)

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Couldn't You Love More ?

      Couldn't Love You More (Rare House Mix)


when it's new, it's incredible...
         it's like nothing else in the world.
nothing comes close.
        nothing can compare.
                nothing else matters.
          and everything, every little thing,
                  is something extraordinary.
        something you will always remember...
every scent is ultra fragrant,
 every look is everlasting,
  every touch gives you chills.
   every sound is a symphonic orchestra.
                                 i love love.
love is why we are alive...right?

without it,
     we never experience life to the fullest.
with it, 
     we see the world through 
                      rose colored glasses...
a kaleidoscope of amazing things
              we never saw, that way, before.
and will never see, that way again. 

everlasting love...is a battlefield. but when love is in the air it's truly only love that's eternal, and in the end, 
            it's love that keeps us together.

love. live. love life.  love love.

                    never forget what it feels like to be in love.

Friday, February 22, 2013

rock HARD cock NOT blocked


What makes your cock rock hard?
it's not something you have to think about...
it's something that, in your wildest fantasies, actually could happen.
it of course, happens unexpectedly. 
like, one day, your walking down the street, you turn a corner, and there...standing in front of you is THE one man you've always jerked off thinking about.
he turns his head
you make eye contact,
but it's more than eye contact...
there's an energy unlike anything you've ever felt. your heart pounds, pulse races, you start to sweat uncontrollably, and your cock throbs and there's no hiding it, but...then again, why would you, because when you look down at his crotch, it's exactly like yours...and you move closer, eyes locked, unable to think str8 (thank GOD!) there you are, face to face, he grabs your shirt and tie and pulls your face right next to his. now, there you are, eye to eye, mouth to mouth, lip to lip, tongue to tongue, cocks press together, you grab his cock and you feel his cock through his Levi's jeans,
soaking wet...
what happens next is what
 porn movies wish they could be...

get so HARD, you leak pre-cum down your Paul Smith trousers...
Monday, Rocco Hard, and just why his name is appropriate...

Thursday, February 21, 2013

the game of LIFE

(Vogue (vs Duck Sauce's Barbra Streisand Strike A Pose!)

ladies with an attitude
never win, in fact they lose
if they intend to play the game
i've situated.
i've been playing this game now for it seems like
the same pawns, the same kings and
mopst definitely the same queens.
i keep wondering when they'll end up quitting already
as the game seems, at this point,
and...might i add,
the other team is losing.
but then maybe again, i'm the biggest loser.
if all the cards have been dealt
and i'm excited because i have two pair,
but then i realize that
i'm playing canasta all along,
and that doesn't really mean much in this game...
so, i panic.
i sit around looking praying hoping 
for a chance to show off my talents, skills,
and intelligence.
i can't keep ope that the game of LIFE is maybe
a game i shoulda not played,
and stuck to the ones i did fairly well,
like pac man or duck duck goose...
because it feels a lot like
you sank my battleship...
and i want to figure out how to stop from sinking...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

when stars collide

waiting on a friend...
what to do, what to do...
had to do something.

had this amazing picture i shot of my new muse Charlie Harding
wearing a custom jock my superstar fashion designer David Dalrymple made for me for the shoot, and decided to brush up on my Photoshop techniques. so i decided to do a mock-up ad for David, if he ever did an ad, and figure out what it should look like to give the viewer an idea of what his brand is all about. to me, it's about insanity, deconstruction,  torn up, re-assembled,  and shredded chaos that happens to, when worn, look incredible. it's modern, but classic. it looks like it's falling off you, yet made impeccably,  it's interesting, perforated,  upside down but right side up.
i live for his work, he's not so bad either...

and Charlie is the perfect WWII All-American wartime hero encapsulated in a modern warrior.
who, is, of course wearing David Dalrymple...

when everything comes together, it's magic.

more on Mr. Harding:




David Dalrymple available at:


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

i happen to also be smart, as well as cute and hung...

The Magnetic Fields - Andrew in Drag

enuf about muscle boys,
i do do other things...
people typecast me as some old queen in the "porn" industry
which is like, the biggest insult ever.
i mean, hello?
anyway, i happen to also be smart, as well as cute and hung...
ok, here we go again...

"whiskey sour" photographed one late night after his/her performance at my friends Fran and Jay's home upstate NY

one of the many campaigns i shot when i was asked to contribute my "talents" to BLACKSMOKE.ORG in their Danger Global Warming campaign. i was asked because they needed someone who they thought could target queens who usually don't give 2 shits...