i was almost an abortion

Friday, June 1, 2012

Urban Bear

a few weeks ago, i was fortunate
to have received a free booth at
Robert Valins
(that's mister Urban Bear winner three years in a row to you)
annual street fest Urban Bear.
it was a day full of daddies daddies daddies,
hairy, with the hottest bellies you ever saw,
drinking beers and from somewhere i got the whiff
of some really good weed...
oooh, maybe that was me...
well, i was hanging out with my gurl Mike Peyton
(that's mister behind the scenes superstar of the Black Party with not enough recognition to you)
trying to sell my t-shirts...
but like an idiot, i only had mediums and smalls....
not appropriate for a crowd of bears.
they have a raffle every year for a charity,
i think it's to help starving children in the lower east side,
and so i donated a free photo session to do my part in helping create the next generation of bears.
well, i was off shooting some daddies i found
and pulled into a parking garage
that happened to have accidentally left it's gate unlocked,
and missed the raffle,
but when i got back, Mike grabbed me and told me
that the guy who won my photo session was a HOTTIE,
so i was psyched.
the next morning he called me
and we decided to shoot that day...why not.
when he showed up, i gagged, cause mutherfucker
was definitely what you think of when you think of a hot daddy.
bearded, groomed and handsome, he walked in
and i was psyched because behing his sunglasses were the most
shocking set of blue eyes i had seen that day.
(i'm jaded, remember)
and he was sweet.
AND he has a job...
all those things rolled into one.
i forgot people like that exsisted...
but they do,
they really do.

and the winner is...Philipp Mohr.

and check this out...
the funniest, cutest cub (cause he's too young to be a bear)
is also talented...
check out his take on the modern bear and the in's and out's of life sans caring if you think he's not skinny enough...



5 years.
no boyfriend in sight,
no relationship seems possible,
nothing even a great one night stand fulfills me.
i try, lord knows i try,
but somehow everyone i meet
and anyone i get close to
has the same perception of me.
they think that because i do what i do for a living,
i must be sucking every cock that stands before me.
i must be fucking every guy i shoot,
every photo i take is of someone i must have had sex with.
when in reality,
i can count the number of men i've photographed that i've slept with.
it's just not my scene,
not my style,
not my thing.
why you may ask,
i mean, i have the most incredible men posing,
sometimes nude, sometimes hard, and in compromising situations...
but does anyone even think,
even for a second that i actually respect and like the people i work with
or even that...
i am a professional??
does anyone imagine for a second that the fact that i get what i want from my models
is because i don't try to blow them?
when you cross that line,
and i know, a lot of photographers do
(as i've heard many stories from my models)
you completely destroy any trust or relaxed environment you need to make people look great.
once you jump the fence and lay your hands on the,
except to get them into the position you'd like,
you have someone in front of you that is a little bit nervous,
a tiny bit shaken
and feeling a lot disrespected.
you'll never regain that trust because, well, obviously,
you've destroyed it.
once that bond is broken, as a photographer,
you'll never regain any kind of really good or natural relationship with them.
and, i have to say,
that's too fuckin bad...
you deserve it.
you were unprofessional, and so,
why would anyone feel gorgeous, handsome or sexy
in front of you?
answer: they won't

one boyfriend i had a few years ago thought i was having sex with one of my models
who happened to be a porn star,
someone i had known for years,
even was my room mate for a summer,
and we were basically like sisters...
someone, in all he time i knew him, we had sex once...
years before,
and it wasn't in a working situation...
but my ex believed so ill of me that he decided that he would get me back.
so, he went online, picked up someone
(a crystal meth dealer, btw)
and went to his place and got gang banged by 4 guys.
(you know i know because eventually i find out everything)
when i arrived home, he confronted me on what he had done.
so, let me get this straight...
i was working a 12 hour day,
not even a break...
jumping through hoops to create something beautiful,
and because you thought i was having sex with my model,
you went out and got 4 loads of cum dumped in you...
i'm so glad i can't be trusted.

it just doesn't make sense.
what i do, i do because i actually love it.
i like meeting new people,
i love making people feel as beautiful as they are, times two,
i'm ecstatic to create images that people view as sexual fantasy, 
and, if nothing else,
it's my job.
if i was not professional,
word would get out.
people talk...
and if you give them something even minor to say,
they'll say it,
spread it,
and then
your reputation is shot.

so now, i ask you...

David Guetta - Titanium ft. Sia


 David Guetta - Titanium

shoot me down
but i get up.
you take your aim
fire away
fire away
you shoot me down
but i won't fall.
i am titanium.

some people always love to see you fall.
they are not your friends.
when they smile
it's smug, and not sincere.
you don't need them.
cause in the end,
they are nothing really, at all.

check this out: