i was almost an abortion

Friday, June 1, 2012


5 years.
no boyfriend in sight,
no relationship seems possible,
nothing even a great one night stand fulfills me.
i try, lord knows i try,
but somehow everyone i meet
and anyone i get close to
has the same perception of me.
they think that because i do what i do for a living,
i must be sucking every cock that stands before me.
i must be fucking every guy i shoot,
every photo i take is of someone i must have had sex with.
when in reality,
i can count the number of men i've photographed that i've slept with.
it's just not my scene,
not my style,
not my thing.
why you may ask,
i mean, i have the most incredible men posing,
sometimes nude, sometimes hard, and in compromising situations...
but does anyone even think,
even for a second that i actually respect and like the people i work with
or even that...
i am a professional??
does anyone imagine for a second that the fact that i get what i want from my models
is because i don't try to blow them?
when you cross that line,
and i know, a lot of photographers do
(as i've heard many stories from my models)
you completely destroy any trust or relaxed environment you need to make people look great.
once you jump the fence and lay your hands on the,
except to get them into the position you'd like,
you have someone in front of you that is a little bit nervous,
a tiny bit shaken
and feeling a lot disrespected.
you'll never regain that trust because, well, obviously,
you've destroyed it.
once that bond is broken, as a photographer,
you'll never regain any kind of really good or natural relationship with them.
and, i have to say,
that's too fuckin bad...
you deserve it.
you were unprofessional, and so,
why would anyone feel gorgeous, handsome or sexy
in front of you?
answer: they won't

one boyfriend i had a few years ago thought i was having sex with one of my models
who happened to be a porn star,
someone i had known for years,
even was my room mate for a summer,
and we were basically like sisters...
someone, in all he time i knew him, we had sex once...
years before,
and it wasn't in a working situation...
but my ex believed so ill of me that he decided that he would get me back.
so, he went online, picked up someone
(a crystal meth dealer, btw)
and went to his place and got gang banged by 4 guys.
(you know i know because eventually i find out everything)
when i arrived home, he confronted me on what he had done.
so, let me get this straight...
i was working a 12 hour day,
not even a break...
jumping through hoops to create something beautiful,
and because you thought i was having sex with my model,
you went out and got 4 loads of cum dumped in you...
i'm so glad i can't be trusted.

it just doesn't make sense.
what i do, i do because i actually love it.
i like meeting new people,
i love making people feel as beautiful as they are, times two,
i'm ecstatic to create images that people view as sexual fantasy, 
and, if nothing else,
it's my job.
if i was not professional,
word would get out.
people talk...
and if you give them something even minor to say,
they'll say it,
spread it,
and then
your reputation is shot.

so now, i ask you...

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