i was almost an abortion

Friday, January 27, 2012

the last of me

it's getting late,
but i'm not ready yet,
to have this be the end of it.
it's ups and downs
have made me see
there's something more
left inside of me.
from where it comes,
nobody knows
it just happens,
one day it shows
itself to be
the newest thing
to get me going,
make my heart sing...
cause without my voice,
who am i?
i'm not just going to lay down and die!
so i'll speak out loud,
say too much,
be inappropriate,
and hope that such
behavior will finally 
set me free,
cause you aint seen
the last of me.
just be aware,
cause what you think of me,
i just don't care.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


once i had a brilliant idea.
(one that is still not buried)
and that was to do a line of t-shirt with my classic images.
so, i printed them up,
sold a bunch,
and then lost motivation...
i even shot the ad campaigns for the...
spring is coming,
and i think i am going to revive that idea.


such a wonderful thing, yet,
it's brought us many unforeseen possibilities...things that scientists would never in a billion years, have considered when inventing computers. who imagined we'd ever have a camera attached to our phone? or that we'd all have in our homes, computers that would play movies, music, and porn...but who would have ever guessed we'd have APPs on our phones that would tell us, in detail, how far away prospective "tricks" were...200 feet is my record so far, but i'm dying to be at a club and have it say 0 feet...

Grindr has brought many cocks and assholes into my life, that would totally have never had the opportunity to reach me, otherwise. it's interesting, because just yesterday, i was on Grindr, and i got a text from a hot 19 year old boy...obviously with a daddy fetish...he came over, was hot, pulled out a great cock, bent over, had a really nice hairy ass (to eat) and then, fuck...
an hour later, as he was leaving, he told me he had to run, because he was late. i asked what for, he said his job...at the mall...it brought me back to my high school days, and i sighed, how beautiful it was to have had such a random, fun experience, with a boy i probably never would have met...

here's my Grindr trick that happened to be 200 feet away...in the same sleazy hotel i was in...
with a trick he was over (as i was mine)
i love technology!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

paid in full

not so very long ago,
and not so far away,
i stood before it, shamelessly,
those days had gone away.
the way i used to feel so bad
about such little things
depended upon my having had
a choice in the charade.
no longer would i feel the need
to be better than i was
from now on i'd simply play the game
risking winning against the loss.
it's really no one else' fault
except for mine,
if i won or lost.
i'd live with that,
i'd take the chance,
i'd pay the price my actions cost.

Mom Catches Son

i've been living most of the last 3 years
sleeping in the bed i grew up in,
in the house i grew up in,
with my family.
many illnesses and bad times made it come to be this way,
and i'm miserable about it...
but last night, i had a date,
and instead of just being an adult, having fun, fucking and enjoying my date,
i got a phone call at 2am from my mom who was crying, wondering where i was.
it's a nightmare.
wht this story now?
cause i just found this video on youtube,
was appalled shocked and disturbed by it,
and had to share.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

not one single moment

if i nevr was born,
then i wouldn't have done
so many stupid things
and so many wonderful things.
i don't know if one outweighs the other,
but i know in my heart that
not one single moment did i regret.

just because

another day

as the day died, it became apparent that nothing was going to get done today.
all the plans he had thought he could achieve
were cast out into the breeze,
and the actual idea of him finishing one thing,
making one call,
photoshopping one image,
was impossible.
so, instead of kicking himself,
he decided to lay back,
count it as a wasted day,
and relax.


not once

but twice

i heard him say

enough's enough!

with such dismay.

i tried to get a better look

but he was gone

and this time he took

the rest of it,

every single thing,

nothing was left

nothing more to see.

he'd packed it up

and swooshed it away

now i sit alone

nothing more to say.


it's more than just a visual,

there's so much more to say,

it starts with sometimes blurred lines

of what it will portray.

it's high def, yet it's home made,

it's slick, yet

has some grain.

it moves in real time,

it doesn't waste

a single second

on disbelief.

like a roller coaster

it goes up and down

has your head spinning

yet in control.


he doesn't sleep
he barely stops
it's one more thing
then just one more drop.
it never ends
it barely sits
it's never tidy
it creates his bliss.
it's how he lives
it's the way he does it,
never stopping
endless hours
day and night
and ungodly hours.
but when he's through
he knows it's perfect
the way it should be
the way he worked it.
and if someone
around him says
he's a freak,
it's got to end,
then they haven't seen
the last of him,
for tomorrows just
another day
and one more plan
is what he'll make
to get ahead
to get on top
until the end
and then,
he'll stop.

he'll stop.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

one night and one day

it all started swirling,
in my head, in reality.
swirling swirling swirling.
i didn't sleep...
too much noise.
i wasn't awake,
because i was dreaming,
i think,
and i wasn't drunk.
it all moved very slow,
like the ticks of a clock,
waiting and wondering
what would be next.
then he spoke,shattering the idea that i was in fact dreaming,
and brought reality crashing down to it's very core.
it's all been real.
the entire thing,
and Bobby's not waking up this time.
in the time that it took the clock to tock,
everything had changed,
everything's existence was solidified,
and every chance of turning back,
was gone.

lost footage of LIAM, damn when he walked in i almost died.
blue eyed puerto-rican and italian.
good lord.
shot on the 18th story rooftop of the legendary 95 christopher st.
when life was good.

bear prints

Dear Diary,
it's just as good,
if not better than,
the way i thought it would be.
it was magnificent, flawless, unstoppable fun!
the Albany NY Gay Bear party was tonight.
i saw a daddy bear that was hot as fuck,
but he ignored me.
even though i'm feeling fat, i wasn't enough.
i thought before i left i might die tonight got putting up that song i posted earlier.
but no, i am forced to live out longer in this existence of hidousness i call my life.
but i had fun,
went with a "sober" crew...ALWAYS fun.
and am home by 1:00.
Buddy's in bed,
i'm drifting off,
but thought i'd leave some bear prints in the blog tonight.