i was almost an abortion

Monday, February 18, 2013

nothing is everything we need

 Art of noise Moments in love ~ Rare Version

When put into it's proper perspective,
not over analyzed,
or simplified,
everything is relevant 
and everything has it's own special 
something of something,
whatever it may be,
to offer the world.
everything is something.
nothing is even something 
when you understand that 
without whatever it is,
all of a sudden 
someone, somewhere will inevitably 
miss it, want it, and need it somehow,  
for something.
somewhere, someone who has everything,
wants nothing...
even if just to try it for a few minutes.
but most usually they come back to 
wanting it all.

we all seem to want it all.
we usually crave the impossible,
settle for something that resembles it
or, close enough,
compare it to the thing we originally swore we had to have
and then 
get irritated when it 
can't possibly measure up.

is that fair? 
or, fair enough to say?

is everything we think we want
nothing we really need,
but really something 
we have to have
because deep down we know 
we can't ever really have it 
in the first place?


on my birthday me and my friend John, who's also born on this day, decided to give you all this gift...
watch and enjoy.
click here:
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What Doesn't Kill You

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) [Project 46 Remix]

Monday February 18, 2012

When he woke up he realized that, in fact,
                      he wasn't alone at all.
Lying cuddled at his thighs was his baby, his best friend, the only one that had been there, seen it all, the good the bad and the ugly of the past four years. he reached down and rubbed his head, and when he did, the boy looked up, opened his big blue eyes and lightly, gently, sweetly licked his hand which sent shivers of joy through his whole body. when he went to adjust himself and put his right hand under his head so he could get just a tad closer to his baby boy, he felt the other one. the new one. the sweet girl who was his roommates dog, but she had kind of moved in with him and his boy. she was curled up by his head, and when he nudged her, she looked up, and made a soft happy sound and curled in just a little closer.
here he was, in bed, on a day he wasn't sure he could face alone, with the two babies he had adopted and kept safe and warm. he didn't need anything else.
Of course there were things he would like, things he maybe could use, but, the reality of it was, this was exactly where he wanted to be, right now, right there, with exactly who he wanted to be with, more than anything.
it was even before the day began, and already, it was better than any day he could remember in a long, long time...

 maybe this was the start of something completely different 
than he ever imagined...

 maybe this was the sign he had been looking for so long, for...
 maybe that last chapter of his life was finally over and he was now, stronger, for having survived it.
  within seconds, he fell right back to sleep.

my own private rapture

Nadia Ali - Rapture (Avicii New Generation Extended Mix)

true story:
i was booked to shoot a band that consisted of a guy and a girl who were very sweet, very nice, and from what i understood, pretty big in Europe...for all i knew, cause i never heard of em.  i had already shot their first "album" but of course once i turned in the film, i never saw it, and quite honestly, didn't think anything of it...it was just another shoot. they walked into the studio, smiles, kissed me, said thanks, they love love loved the last shoot, and were so excited to see what we would do that day. after hair and make-up, i was all ready, lights in place, everything was great, i was shoving a bagel with cream cheese and salmon down my throat when they walked onto set, as the radio played in the background, and i started clicking.  maybe an hour into the shoot, on the radio, comes this song i had been hearing, and loved. i didn't know what it was called, but knew the catch phrase..."mi amore don't u know...la la la la la" and as i swallowed yet another bagel, singing as i shot photos of the duo, i asked, "omg, i love this song...have u heard it?" to which i was greeted with silence, then laughter, then Nadia, the girl, comes over and hits me in the head and says "you don't know who this is?" "no..." i said, like the idiot that i am...
well, do i have to finish the story?
of course, it was them, and i was an idiot, but, it was such a compliment to them, as they realized that i truly loved the song without knowing that i had the two people responsible, her, with her voice, his magical writing, in front of me...

anyway, exactly 40 minutes ago, i crossed the line from middle aged into old. ugh.
it was uneventful.
it was nothing exciting.
i sat in front of the computer, as usual, doing Photoshop, and thinking about what i would like to do differently as an old man, than i did as a youngster.
here goes...
when i wake up, i will not let myself begin the same routine i have played into for 46 years. i will not because it's time to change. start a new, try things with another outlook. 
i haven't figured out exactly what this would be but, i am thinking. when i figure it out, i will let you know...
it's just, i need a change.
i need to wake up and feel happy.,
i need to wake up and be excited...
and i need to be more aware that i am not changing the world, nor am i moving mountains, curing A.I.D.S., or cancer, but, i am making people smile, somewhere in the world, someone, is seeing something i've done, and they are smiling...or jerking off...either way, i have done something i am proud of...and so, maybe i'm not the greatest American Hero, maybe i'm not Bill Gates, or Obama, but hell, i am who i am, and, i guess...
i'm okay with that.

it makes my soul complete... 
that rapture tastes so sweet!