i was almost an abortion

Friday, June 7, 2013

something i don't see...

it's starting to kick in.
i feel it, slowly, seeping into my skin,
feel it entering my bloodstream,
sending shivers through my body 
and traveling straight up into my brain.
once it reaches, i know i'll have no other choice but to let it take control.
so instead of fighting the feeling,
i breathe deep, inhaling, exhaling.
i'm relaxed, but hyper at the same time.
my eyes are wide open,
jaw is clenched,
muscles tight,
and i can't get myself to sit still.
my mind races with what to do next.
should i do something?
go online and search?
pick up the phone and make a few calls?
or just remain here, alone, and contemplate.
it's not like this is the first time,
but this time is different.
it's not like i'm shocked,
just confused.
it isn't what i know, yet, it isn't familiar either.
it sunk in this time deeper than ever before.
it made me stop, think...question, and at first, fight it.
but fighting it just adds to the heightened drama of it all,
and i should really try and avoid that...
the drama is where i get everyone around me all riled up
and it makes them feel uncomfortable around me,
which pushes them away,
and leaves me here, alone. again.
but everyone can't be wrong,
can they?
what it is, is something i don't see...
maybe because it's part of me that i don't see from others perspective,
from the outside looking in, it's a different view.
am i crazy, or, can it be that they are all crazy?
when they see me they see something i don't recognize.
and the thing i recognize is not anything like what they think they see.
i see something funny, something nice, warm, accommodating, even chill.
they see it as if they are looking in a fun house mirror of what i see.
but don't they see, i am here, just me...
and i'm not trying to cause harm,
i'm just trying to survive.
except...i guess i am causing harm, 
dangerous harm,to myself.
and no matter how hard i try, fight, or question,
they still see what they see.

and it's not right, but it's okay.
it needs to be different,
it needs to be changed.
it needs to happen soon,
because it's chaos is making me insane.