i was almost an abortion

Thursday, June 21, 2012

happy pride, you vicious fags

take a close look. you can see his pain.

happy PRIDE!
oh really.

we as gay men have some fuckin nerve.
we want everyone in the entire world to drop
and accept us for being who we are...
we complain that we don't have equal rights...
we want everyone to think we are an evolved group of people.
we want, too much, as far as i'm concerned,
we need to actually do something to actually prove ourselves,
because what i have been seeing and hearing from fags mouths
about one of their own, who,
they feel "better than" because he was a "porn star"
or because he had a problem with "drugs" or "steroids"...
um, hello.
wait a minute...
rewind what you just said cunt,
put down the crack pipe for a moment,
turn down the porn on the tv or computer,
pull out that "Erik Rhodes" dildo u have shoved up your shitty hole,
and listen to me for a second,
cause i'm not going to say this again.
you are nothing more than a piece of shit.
your gross,
your not funny,
and you truly have made me see your true colors
and shit brown just doesn't look good on you.
how dare you.
really, how fucking dare you speak with such venom
about someone who was really so sweet.
you just ask anyone who actually met him,
and they will tell you the same thing.
the boy wouldn't have hurt a fly.
meanwhile, not even a week later,
your bitchy mouth have had nothing else to say than
he deserved it.

what you deserve now cunt,
i promise you, you will get.
you will realize, one day, i hope soon,
that you aren't really as hot as you think you are.
you'll walk by a mirror and look closely at all the flaws,
and thats just on the outside.
you'll wonder why your lonely, alone, can't find a man,
and you'll cry about it, complain, say someone else is responsible
because you didn't have equal rights, or some retarded bullshit like that.
and then, you'll be going through your collection of porn dvd's
cause u aint cultured enough to watch anything else,
and you'll come across a photo of Erik Rhodes.
and, for a second, you'll understand that
all the venom that you spilled on this man's life and death
was because, deep down, it's obvious, isn't it?
you are just jealous because the man came into this world
was born with a face of a movie star,
had one of the most amazing bodies that he worked very hard on,
and was, someone that actually was very sweet...
very sincere, and very troubled.
he wasn't what you imagined him to be from what you were shown.
the boy was hysterical.
the boy was a little boy trapped in a bodybuiders body.
the boy, when he walked in a room, made EVERY head turn.

the boy was a star...
and as hard as you tried,
you will just never have what he had.
sad isn't it?
the second you understand that you are nothing?
the moment you realize your a failure?
the instant you see that
all the shit that the world has thrown at you
is all shit that you deserve.
you are nothing girl...
i'm sorry.
but James...
well, i guess you'll just never know.
because you just weren't good enough to travel in the same galaxy as him.

don't worry.
kharma has a way of coming around and biting you back.
and i hope to God i'm there when it happens.
cause i'm gona laugh my ass off.

i love to see a big girl cry.
but, it'll be too late for you...
much to late.

one last thing that you must remember.
he will live for eternity,
he is a legend.
and you...
are nothing.

my bad?

beauty is hard work...

it's funny how, when i'll see someone on facebook or on the streets, or in manhunt...
if i see someone who i think is super hot
and i thnk i'd be able to turn out in photographs,
i'll simply say something nice,
compliment them, and ask, politely,
being clear that i am not trying to have sex with them,
if they would be interested in letting me shoot them.
i do that, sometimes, actually, rarely...because
i am actually kind of shy,
and i know a lot of photographers have a bad reputation
for luring guys to their house for a "shoot"
and then just trying to suck their cocks.
but when i see someone who, maybe i've never seen before
or, like on manhunt, i'll in an email, describe the idea and state clearly
"this is not sex"
and usually, the response is favorable.
sometimes, not.
but the choice is always left for them to decide and do.

i met a kid on Grindr the other night.
he's 25, studying medicine,
and wanted to suck cock...
when i showed up at his apartment,
i honest to god,
died, cause this kid looked like, i mean, almost exactly like,
matt dillon.
of curse, he had never heard of him...(25)
so what was i supposed to do?
i could have just gone through with it, blown my wad n left,
but...of course...
thats not me.
instead, i, nervously, started babbling about how i HAD to photograph him.
i rambled on for maybe an hour about it,
while pulling up my website, blog, and such..
and, swear to god,
scared the shit outta this kid.
i told him i was going to train him to get in shape so he looked incredible..
told him that i wouldn't take no for an answer,
and then, finally, he looked at me and quite nicely said
"hey, i gota go"
go? but you live here!
oh, i get it...I gotta go.
alright, i see.
i walked out without busting a nut or
having had any sexual involvment with this kid,
and i walked out, head hanging low,
realizing that my approach was retarded.

so i called him yesterday, and asked him if he had decided.
well, i tried to, but he didn't answer the phone,
and the voicemail was gone.
and i realized, again, that
i am just too much.

Fuck You

Lily Allen (Lyrics)
do u get a little kick outta be slow minded? i did things the way i wanted, i never regret one second. so, if you don't like it. fuck you.

it's very very interesting to me, when i think back, way back, to the time when i was a young, sweet, innocent little boy...i'm talkin' way way way back in the day, before madonna was anything more than the mom of jesus, when mtv actually played music videos, and when michael jackson was still black...back in those days, i wandered the streets of albany new york, wishin' hopin' and prayin' to get the fuck out, start my life anew, move on up n outta the suburbs and onto the slick glittered streets of new york city!

wow. it seems so long ago, well, it was. and when i think back on the cute little italian boy who, was never really very innocent...i think, real hard, and try to pinpoint the exact moment when i truly lost my innocence. like, what exactly was the deciding second when it all changed. was it the time, when i was 14, at the public swimming pool when the 40something man followed me into the bathroom and offered me $50. to suck my dick? or was it a few seconds later, when i snatched the bill from his hand, hmmmm.could it be a few seconds later as i dropped my swimsuit in the last stall in the back of the bathroom and the guy got down n sucked me off?? OR, was it the following week, when i saw him again, and made arrangements with him to meet there once a week. i dunno, i think it could be two weeks later when i told the guy to tell his friends about me, which, in turn, led to my first "job" being the big dicked 14 year old boy that every pedophille in the tri-state area sucked off, and payed, $50 bucks a pop. oh, i don't know..there had to be something, probably, well, no obviously, way before even that experience, as most children, when approached by an old man in a restroom and asked to be sucked off for cash, would probably RUN. but no, not me. i saw a chance, and i grabbed it, and then found a way to control and manipulate it. lol, damn, i wish i could just see myself from 10 feet away at that time. always street smart, always looking for what's next, and always a playa. it kind of scares me...but just a little, because i also know that these very things i did that most consider outrageous, are also the things that helped create the monster i have become. each one of my insane moments adds up to the making of my E! True Hollywood story. i don't regret, i don't wish it hadn't happened, and i don't want to change it. no matter how nuts and even dangerous these things i did were, they also built up the strength inside to have the courage and drive to make me able to have the balls to do what i do, think the way i think, and maybe how i think n what i do some find crazy, but, i know, deep down, that every second counts, just a little, but when you add them all up, they are the very seconds, moments, and things that make you who you are. they stack up, and, individually, may be nothing, but when you have a bunch of them you see that, they tell a story, and the story is kinda sad, kinda funny, kinda insane, and kinda, well, mine.

i met someone the other day that, when i look at him, i see a reflection of who i was, and i wonder, should i warn him? tell him to run? or, should i just smile, take him by the hand, and let him see that, it's all just part of becoming who and what you will be. so, enjoy it. laugh as much as you can, and don't take yourself to seriously...

i like this boy.
he's so fuckin cute.