i was almost an abortion

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

next time

after the fallout,
the earth seemed eerily quite.
no background noise,
no city traffic,
children playing,
even white noise was silenced.
the earth stood still for some time
as the wounded bled out the past and regenerated their vitality from deep within.
although the wreckage seemed devestating,
it actually wasn't so bad.
he just stopped for the time being
and let all of the bad soak in,
and in so, learned from his mistake.
next time he would know better.
next time it wouldn't go so far.
next time...
if there was a next time.
maybe that was the lesson he was supposed to learn...
there shouldn't be a next time.

but then again....
he did know himself.

Monday, February 27, 2012


ya get what u give

it never fails

u give 100%,

u get 10 back

you give everything, trying to prove ur worth,

prove that the client cant live without u,

but then,

they become monsters in front of your very eyes.

2 days ago i get a call,

completely out of the blue, from a german, of all things

germans are notorious for being strict, want it all, monsters

in my eyes anyway

this guy is in town,

LOVES my work,

wants me to shoot an event he was having today

ok, sounds good

i show up at the hotel

camera, lights, everything in tow

when i get there, a hot boy answers the door



oh, u must be the photographer


oh he says

oh? i say

theres a little drama, can i bring u to another room?

sure i say

so we go to another oom, same hotel, 3 other hot boys are there

all is in question

why am i even here?

it turns out the client had herself a nervous breaakdown THEN AND THERE

and threw all of these gorgeous escorts he had hired,

and i was supposed to shoot

out of his hotel room

saying they had stolen his identity,

reported him to the police,

AND called CNN, an told them he was on drugs and having sex with teenagers in the hotel room

if theres ever a time to do a OMG, this is it

what the FUCK?

have u gone nuts?

so there i am,

wondering what to do,

bunch of hot NYC escorts, half hard n naked,

waiting for me


well, im a trooper, so i pulled out my camera,

got them in different states of dress and undress,

and shot

some incredibly hot images

great, sweet, nice, appreciative boys who gave me 100%,

and never met the client, ever

he stayed in his room pouting, screaming, carrying on until


security came and threw us all out of the hotel

can u imagine?

so that was my day

unbelieveable as it ay sound,

all tre,

all insane,

all fun

my life is insane

other insane, fun, happy memories of days gone by

i just realized, in googling myself,

that i am seeing my biography unfold,

in a candid, uncanny way

what gets noticed,

what people see,

amounts to,

who n what i am


back to the gypsy that i was

Sunday, February 26, 2012

facts of life

you take the good,

you take the bad,

you take them both,

and there you have,

the facts of life...

god, it was always so simple,

yet it took me years to unravel the mysteries before me.

the ones i already had been given the solutions to,

and the ones that really made no sense of why i needed them anyway,

except to confuse and distract me,

and cause me heartburn and indigestion.

all of the nights i sat up worried,




and for what?

for nothing,

except to help form me into the freak i am today.

catholic guilt lives on hard n long in me.

through the trials and tribulations of a gay man in NYC,

i have compiled and compressed everything from friends and magazines to hair clippings and swatches.

filtered out the unuseable or normal ones,

descifered and decoded the interesting ones,

regergitated and renewed the best ones,

so that they will live on, even in a world that doesnt need or want them.

it's a long strange road we all take,\and each step of every path is differnt,

no two are alike.

some hard,

some easy,

some uphill,

some down,

some insane and frustrating,

others, insane and not so frustrating...

but its how we get there,

what we make of every second we get,

and how we turn it into our own story of our own lives.

chapter one,


here goes...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012

pin drop

it had been a long time coming.
but it was finally here.
it wasn't something he was excited about,
not something he ever wanted
or expected,
or dreamed would actually come into fruition,
but it was destiny,
and it was bound to take it's toll.
and it didn't come unannounced,
didn't sneak up
or happen when his eyes were closed,
it hit him,
and strong.
knocking the wind out of him,
leaving him breathless,
leaving him defenseless and weak.
it took every ounce of everything he had in him.
it drained him to the core,
and for a moment, he sat there,
when he finally got the strength to lift his head
and look around,
he noticed,
everything was gone.
it was eerily quiet.
he could hear a pin drop.
and so,
he closed his eyes,
lowered his head,
and accepted defeat.

steve cruz

steve cruz


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Try Again

dusk turned to dawn,
and in those precious hours,
time passed, and wounds healed.
all of the heartbreak once felt
was washed over by a new day, another hope.
and even though some of the past still showed through
there was something quite calming and sobering,
just knowing that what was once troublesome and hurtful,
would soon be gone forever.
it would never be completely forgotten,
for if it was, it wouldn't have been so hard to step away from.
it would serve as a reminder that sometimes, love hurts,
and the deepest cuts are most often made by the ones we love.
they are the ones with the power and knowledge
on how to hurt us the most.
it's sad that the ones who cause the deepest pain
are also the ones who, at one time, we thought we couldn't live without.
it's unfortunate that they couldn't give just a little bit more,
try just a little bit harder,
or listen just a little bit longer.
but then again, if they had,
we wouldn't have had to let them go.

so, at first you didn't succeed,
brush yourself off and try again,
because there is something else waiting,
just around the corner.
something that will make you happy,
make you smile,
and be there for you...always.

...and then, without another tear drop falling,
the sun came out,
and a new day had begun.

all i ever wanted

i never said i was perfect,

perfect is an illusion i was placed under.

perfect is something that is nearly impossible to achieve.

perfect is what i was

before i let myself believe that what you thought, mattered.

now i have given myself the respect

to acknowledge the fact

that i am not perfect.

i know for a fact that what i do

isn't incredible,

it's only superficial,

but i also give myself the credit to know

that i did it my way.

by myself,

without anyone's help.

i climbed every rock,

i swam every sea,

i jumped every canyon,

i flew higher than i ever dreamed i could,

and somehow, to someone,

i made a difference.

maybe i made someone smile.

maybe i brightened someones day.

maybe i made someone laugh.

i never meant to make them cry.

i only wanted to bring joy to the world,

any little way that i could.

i don't have much to give,

but what i give, i hope is good enough.

if i made a difference,

then i succeeded.

and that's all i ever wanted.


i am slowly coming to grips with the fact that, in the end, you die alone. i have seen it all, from good to bad, and what i get from it is, if you want something to change, you have to stand up, look it dead in the eye, and change it. people are not kind, rather, strangers are kinder than friends sometimes. friends are sometimes a little too close, know a little too much, and have a little too much invested to say or do things you really need from them. not that it makes them bad people, it just makes it harder to help when they feel they've helped enough. but isn't that the point of being a friend? reaching out to someone you love, who really needs you? we all go through things, good or bad, but the things we go through mean so much less when there's no one you love by your side. today i learned something very important about life, about people, and about friendship. i learned that if you really want to earn respect and loyalty from others, you have to give it back, freely, without putting restraints or conditions on them. people make mistakes. no one is perfect...but some of us have the ability to grow from our mistakes, while others just perish in them. i used to be sad when i was alone or scared, now it enables me to stand tall, knowing that i can in fact, be alone or scared, and it will all be ok, someday. no one should ever make you feel bad. no one has the right to make you feel less than. no one is better than you. the only times people use their evil words to their advantage are the times when they themselves know, for a fact, that they are actually less than. because they cannot come to grips with this fact, they turn their ugliness into a mirror, and try to deflect it away from themselves, and onto you. it proves nothing, except that they are typical. and typical is not something anyone really ever wants to be. everyone wants to be a star, everyone wants to be great...but the great ones are great, only because they don't resort to being ugly. they are secure enough to ask you how you feel, what's going on, and how you are doing. the most beautiful person in the world looses their beauty when they show their true colors, and the colors are not pretty. just being kind, being secure, and being a good person is, in the end, enough. if you listen to these words, try and live by them. be a friend. be kind. be generous. be greatful. and in the end, when all is said and done...i promise you, you will be enriched with an amazing life.

live your life to the fullest...and enjoy it.

because it's short.

dedicated to my ex, brad Romaker, who, today showed his true colors, and they were very ugly.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

i could have had it all.

i dont know what i need from u. from anyone anymore.
i just feel like this could be my last chance to make everything right. maybe the reason i went down all the wrong paths before, was to help me get to this one shining moment...but i don't have the resources to push me the last steps of the way to fully realize something great. i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm alone. i'm losing my mind up here. i'm trapped.
i want to believe everything will get better, but nothing is...and when i look at things realistically, i see, in fact, i'm sinking further down and i am just trying to figure out in my head if i should just give up already.

i could have had it all.

why i'm not so great anymore.

the only air i get
is from the puffs i take
on a cigarette.
i don't breath anymore.
everything is too uptight.
i have no elbow room.
there used to be a time when
if things weren't perfect,
i had a little time to fix them.
if something isn't right,
it appears exhagerated
and it stands out and apart
from everything else,
making everything that once seemed good,
look half assed.
making it something like
an eyesore...
not right.

there is nothing i can do about it.
it's too late.
pressure has cornered me
and left me unable to move.
let alone stretch,
try something different,
or tweak.
everyone's eyes see only that,
the one thing that isn't perfect.
the one thing that stands out,
and makes this impossible to enjoy.
once this was my time to play.
now every last detail
is scrutinized
put under a microscope,
and examined.
pointed out,
used as an example
of why i'm not so great
why it was probably just a hoax,
a mistake that i was a success anyway.
and in fact,
typical that i even got so lucky.

people love to talk.
they love to criticize.
they speculate,
and exaggerate
what went wrong,
instead of trying to understand
that maybe there's nothing wrong at all...
maybe it's a minor setback
that under less critical eyes
would have just been considered a learning experience,
to make me do something even better
in the future.
but i don't have that luxury anymore.

i'm scared

everything seems alright...
on the outside.
everything is a mess.
there is not one thing stable,
no one solid,
nothing salidified in stone.
my head spins but that's a normality at this point.
i know what the ending of the story is,
i just don't know what any of the chapters read like.
will the ending be modified when the chapters are finalized?
can there be a light at the end of the tunnel?
or has the spark been put out...
can hope be restored,
can faith reign supreme?
will i ever live to see my destiny?
or will my destiny be something i cannot even imagine?
i'm scared.

it never crossed my mind that
i would ever, never know.
i always thought it had to be different,
because it was supposed to be.
this is not my last chapter...
the ending has yet to be written.

i hope it's good.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whitney Houston Salute

u think u know everything
and you think that your shit don't stink,
well it do,
it do.

Whitney Houston,
the voice of a lifetime.
R.I.P. my love.

how does this happen
who's to blame?
a struggling artist
with many problems,
we thought we had her back..
we never knew how bad it was,
i hope to God she went quickly,
she's been in enough pain.
i love you for giving me all the most incredible musical soundtrack of my life.
it will never be the same.

breathe again

and so, after the rush,
there was nothing to do,
so he did what he did best
which was what he relied on,
the solid, old school ways he used to relax his brain,
calm his mind,
subdue his body,
and be still his everyday chaotics.
he did nothing.
he hung out with friends,
did things he shouldn't do,
like stayed up late,
gossiped and complained,d
and put into perspective
just what he needed to do
to make his world come to a place of peace.

Friday, February 10, 2012

In the city that never sleeps, I find myself needing extra moisturizer... Something to balance out the late nights, Lack of sleep, Hard days, Long, tedious meetings that seem to go nowhere, but everyone had to voice their opinions... In this city, People try hard, Give more, And get knocked down faster For the competitions rough, Everyone's tough, Nothings good enough. But not trying isn't an option... It's just how we roll. Backwards.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


say anything you'd like to say,
be catty in a superficial way,
the things you think
don't mean a thing
she came for you,
the girl can bring.
she didn't go
just half assed
she came and brought it
all the while i gasped,
"for real?" i said,
can it be,
the fucking bitch is 53!
but bring she did,
she showed them all
she gave us show
i bet she even
made some guy blow
his load
out of his pants
that's how she rolls
and no one knows
where next she'll go.
Madonna, u rule.

Amy Sedaris-Goddess

anyone who knows anything about me knows...
i once upon a time lived at 95 Christopher Street,
apartment 3M
for 15 years,
and my neighbor
(with adjoining living room walls)
and good friend and
pot smoking partner,
the woman who fed me,
made fun of me,
encouraged me and stood by me
when i'd fight with my ex Brad,
(once she knocked after a fight to tell me Brad fought like a girl)
has a new commercial
being released, today,
during the Madonna concert,
i.e. Superbowl.
and it's genius.
i miss u Amy.

this is what REAL talent is about.

and taught me so much about being a person,
Amy Sedaris,

Doesn't Really Matter

how can i be
the very best of me
when everything i do
is something always new?
no matter how i try
one thing can't be denied,
that every step i take
is one step more than you'll ever make.
it doesn't seem to be
any different for me
to make one more mistake
when there's trouble, i elate,
cause from ashes do i rise
and return from my demise.
i've been down this road before,
and it's never been a bore,
for the problems that i've had
are now miles away from bad.
i've tried to make a change
i've tried to rearrange
i've given up false hope
and found a way to cope
with making each day more
than where i was before.
i might not be the best
but i'm better than the rest
who never learn from their mistakes
instead i challenge to be great.
so say what you'd like to say,
it doesn't matter anyway.

y o u

i must be living in a hole.
and not a hot hairy one either.
my strict personal philosophy of locking myself into a box and not looking at anything so as not to be inspired by whats happening with other artists and what they are inspired by. so instead of looking at what everyone is doing i close my eyes, lock the doors around me, remove any time/place/shape/form and content that may give me any inspiration or guide or steer me to do something i normally wouldn't ever do so that in fact, i am never influenced by anything or anyone else at that time, unless the artist or person who has done it is already dead, then it becomes more of an homage instead of a copy.
does that make sense?
so, even the normal little things in life, like how i get news becomes just a little harder, but the way i go about finding them, scouting them out, feeling their vibe and necessity in the world, makes for a journey to the end of the rainbow.
instead of just following, reading up on, or listening to others,
i choose to fumble upon, stumble across, or directly go to the things that interest me, making them already things that i relate to, yet, by going about it in such an abstract way, i feel like i get my satisfaction in doing it "my way". making it, in the end, something that i have discovered and or uncovered, for myself, my own consumption, and my own ability to use/abstract/derive or be inspired from, the said thing, whatever it happens to be, for my style and vision of interpritation.
case in point,
i have never been on his blog because i wrote this blog, more as a diary than anything for people to actually read, but i didn't want to know what Joe thought, or my dear friend Andy ( http://www.towleroad.com/ ), how they did a blog, so as not to be inspired to do what they did. well, i was relieved to find out today that n fact, our worlds are so unrelated, so many miles apart, that they are barely in the same universe. they do blogs of importance, give credit to gay society good, bad or indifferent, and help the homosexuals evolve with dignity, class, and a better understanding of what's happening in the world around (and to) them.
my journal that i call my blog, is a place for me to rant, obsess, talk, and figure out my art, my loves, my obsessions, and my depressions. i pay total homage to these men, and am excited to become part of gay society...lol.
their takes on normality and homosexuality, are simple, to the point, and yet, funny, intillectual, and sophisticated. i'm sold. i can't spell, but i'm sold.