i was almost an abortion

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

"a girl can dream, can't she?"

Whitney Houston Vs Calvin Harris - I Wanna Dance With Somebody 2012 

it was an innocent enough question really, and asked for no other reason than to make small talk..."are you dating anyone?" that's when he started laughing, not a chuckle, but a gut wrenching laugh that came from his deepest darkest places inside that rarely show. "dating?" again, the laugh. to date, there must be someone TO date, someone who WANTED to date you back...that didn't seem like it was in the cards for him, and so, the laugh faded into silence.
there was once a time when he thought he'd love to stand side by side with one person for the rest of his life...long, long time ago...but he had had 3 long-ish relationships that all ended badly, found out from all of them that HE was a nightmare to be with, endured heartbreak, heartache and heartburn to discover that what was left of his heart was nothing more than used up charcoal briquettes that were now basically nothing more than dust.
maybe, he thought, one day, i'll meet someone who is blind or deaf, definitely dumb, who won't see the disaster he himself obviously was...as he had been told so many times, and if his dream came true, this person would also be in their late 90's, a multi-millionaire with no family and the PERFECT man would of course be on life support, and if God really loved him, they would exchange their vows, draw up the will, leaving him everything, and then, right after they kissed, a blackout would wipe out all power for hundreds of miles, AND if he was really lucky, there would be no generator around for miles...
could he ever hope for such a man?
would/could this man ever love him (enough to sign over the lease)?
was he asking to much?
     "a girl can dream, can't she?"

pixelated broken down threads of what was once something great

1,000 years from today, when the earth has been glazed over with ice and humankind has had to find another place to live...when there is not a single Kardashian left, someone will discover remnants of what and who we are today. they will study it closely, dissect it and uncover the things we hold most dear, as well as the things we try to hide. 

what will they find out about you?

                   fuck off bitch.
"I have never been one to try and copy what other artists have done. in fact, except for what i know about classic art, i am literally retarded when it comes to modern art and why it's relevant in the first place...i don't look at magazines, what for, they all suck. other photographers who inspire me are usually dead already." me

Sometimes i'll be sitting around, bored out of my head, (a.d.d.) and in front of the computer, when i'll start fucking with some of my old images and wind up creating a new look.
i tend to see things i've done in the past, as exactly that, my past, and so like to give them a tinge of another time, like they are seen by someone in a thousand years, on some old computer that someone found in a tomb and they can't even figure out how it works. when they hit the on button, the screen is pixilated, the color tube has been blown out and there is obvious damage to the machine, so it only shows a worn down sketch of the actual image, which is now, either striped of it's color or because of some malfunction in the viewing monitor, it colorizes it in some tweaked out way that, in fact, is very beautiful, in it's own way.
Nothing lasts forever, so they say, but there are remnants and pieces of what's been done before floating through our unconsciousness all the time, and of course, we don't even know it. so, possibly, these images that were once glossy magazine quality, are a million years from now, nothing but pixelated broken down threads of what was once something great, and when the viewer tries to analyze it, they will read into it, probably something completely different than it was ever intended to be.

hot just cuz, i dunno...

hot just cuz, i dunno...

let them talk.

it was sometime around midnight when it all came together, and, quite honestly, freaked him out. it was all quite strange, and unexplainable...but yet, there it was, and no one could deny it.
over the past few weeks, he started realizing that somehow various people, all from different walks of life, ones who's paths usually never crossed, suddenly, somehow, knew his name, and who exactly he was...they had heard such and such about him from this guy or another, sometimes what they heard was bullshit, but more than not, the things they heard were facts that he couldn't really get away from. they knew what he did, what his latest project was, who he was dating, what he had for dinner for Christ's sake! it was the sort of thing that drove him insane, because he really did try and keep a very private life. yes, he was somewhat of a public figure, but not one he thought anyone cared about that much...maybe it was because he had risen so fast and fallen so hard, and the things that he was hearing were in a way, kind of stabs in the back from outer space, like, it was telling him that the universe was watching, and jotting down every last detail so that they could throw it in his face just to show him that maybe he was still a fuck up...
maybe they knew the truth better than he did himself...
maybe it was time to re-think his life,
maybe he could try harder,
maybe that would make them all shut up...
maybe then he'd show them that he was better than al the crap he was trying to get away from in his past...
but then again,
maybe they were right.        

then he thought, fuck them, they would find something to say about him anyway,  so...
let them talk.