i was almost an abortion

Monday, July 30, 2012


Madonna - "The Power Of Goodbye" (Comato5e Remix)

and as the door closed from behind
the only thing that was in my mind
was one wish, to hit rewind
and take me back to the place and time
when i once called this house mine.
i never thought that there would be
a time when i would never see
the place where all my memories
was no longer there for me.
it isn't going to be easy,
for all i knew was gone instantly
and now i only have a dream
of who i once used to be.
i have to learn to say goodbye
it's hard to do and not cry,
and though it's tough, i'll have to try
until he last tear from me dries.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

i have the stuff that you want, i am the thing that you need,

Michael Jackson-Dirty Diana Cure & Cause Remix (MJ Videotribute)

i have the stuff that you want,
i am the thing that you need,
there's no one else that understands that
better than me.
i am the thing that you seek,
i am so truly unique
that the others who try
know that they're chances look bleak.
and i've known all along
that my talent is strong,
except i never believed
you completely perceived
that my intentions were true
and my instincts followed through
with a concept so strong
one that takes you along
on a journey somewhere
out of this atmosphere.
but now i truly can see
that you understand me
and so i can go on
feeling confident, strong.
and no more will you doubt
what i'm really all about,
and the bond we create
no one can negate
if they did, they'd berate
what's created by fate.
so just let them talk
turn around and just walk
swiftly away
i know inside i'm okay.

i got the stuff that you want
i am the thing that you need
so don't you forget
or else i'll make you regret.

doesn't matter anyore.

as the car pulled up into the driveway,
he noticed for he very first time,
just how overgrown the garden in front of the house was.
the weeds had taken over the flowers in spades,
and there was grass so high,
that looked like it could be a wheat field.
thelawn ball which had once stood out majestically due to it's red shine,
was almost not even able to be seen.
it was then that he looked up and saw
that the drainage pipe on the side of the house
was also disheveled.
it was broken, and almost coming off the brick.
and the window for the garage...
when did it crack?
when did any of it crack?
why didn't he pay better attention to his beloved home?

 it wasn't an all together odd question,
but in fact, it was...
because he never ever had cared,
until now
when it didn't matter to him anymore.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

all the news

all the news that's fit to print
has been deleted by the internet
and so we now can see
things they cannot show
on t.v.
the things we always think are bad
make us want to blow our nads.
this is one site that
you just cant help strokin to...



all of a sudden,
when he was crossing the street to get a necessary pack of cigarettes,
it hit him...
he was having an anxiety attack.
his heart was beating fast and hard,
he was completely out of breath,
and his A.D.D. brain was working in overtime.
he didn't really have anywhere to go, anyone to turn to,
anything to fall back on...
there was no more time for him to procrastinate...
he didn't have any other chances to make things right,
he had burned too many bridges,
alienated too many friends,
removed himself from social situations
so many times,
that now, he realized he was basically all alone...


it had been years now since he was ever really alone.
there was always someone by his side to derail him from himself.
but that was three relationships ago,
and now, even his family had moved on.
he was headed back to begin where he left off three years before,
but hopefully, this time,
he'd do things a little differently.
he wasn't about to make the same mistake again.
he couldn't, because now he had to be responsible for himself,
and that's what truly scared him.
could he actually grow up?
take care of himself?
survive out there, all alone?

it's hard when you have never really had to do it completely all by yourself.
but, he thought,
everyone else seems to do it...
what could be so hard?
a chill went down his spine, and then goosebumps on his arms and legs.
the hairs on his neck stood up,
and he got cold, clammy, and his stomach felt nauseous.
he took a deep breath,
braced himself for whatever unseen things would come his way,
and inside, he cried,
for in a very short amount of time
everything he was feeling right now,
would just be a distant memory,
and only time would tell if and how
he made it.

Friday, July 27, 2012

thank God

as soon as he realized
that his time was almost up,
it was too late for him to do anything about
all of the mistakes he made trying to resolve the issue
in the first place.
it was just a matter of time before everything changed.
the scenery, the view, the conversation, the company,
it was all just days away from being a totally new world.
unlike the old days when his experiences seemed exciting,
now, they just felt scary.
the thought of him actually being homeless if everything didn't work out just right,
was a little more than he could handle.
he was too old for this shit.
it was justified now that he could just let everything go,
not care, relax, and just do whatever the fuck he wanted to do.
it was his last horrah.
the last time he could really throw caution to the wind,
and just know that he was still safe.
but those days were at their end,
and as much fun as they were,
was as much fun as the memory of them would be.
tomorrow, when the sun rose over the mountain tops,
it would be a new day.
a day when everything he knew at this very instant,
would be a blur,
a memory.
not a sad one,
more like, one that was the end of an era...
the fall of the empire had created a new dimension and space,
opened up doors,
closed others,
reinvented rethought and reworked all of the things that before,
just didn't add up.
it was time to get the calculator out, and this time,
do it right.
so, that's it, he thought...
today was retarded,
tomorrow, i wake up, i lift my head toward the sun,
and thank God for a new beginning,
another day.


the end is near

The Jeffersons Remixed

everyone seems sad.
it's strange.
all the build up, preparation and anxiety comes down to this...
monday, it's all over.
for 50 years my parents have lived in this house,
the house they built and raised us in,
the house thats seen good and bad,
birth and death,
and lots of life.
it's time to move up, move out, expand the horizons,
and let another family move in and create their own memories.
i've been procrastinating.
i've been trying to put off all i have to do,
but now,
i have no other choice.
the countdown starts now,
the end is near...

but then again...

for as many times as he had stopped and started,
as many ideas about how he would condense everything he had,
organize it, label and alphabetize it...
for as many times as he had told himself in his tiny little head,
that he was going to make this as easy as possible,
you would think that,
by now,
he'd be almost finished, and ready to walk away from it all gracefully.
but, of course, that just wasn't how it was going to be.
not with him,
not this time,
not the next time,
not now,
not never,
no way...
no how.
he had developed a highly evolved system of procrastination that
took years, actually, decades, to produce.
his way of not getting everything he needed to get done, done,
by creating unimportant and menial projects that
just HAD to be done and get out before what really needed to be done,
was considered by some, unique...
as no one else they knew would ever try to
navigate their way around such important issues at hand,
quite so blatantly, and yet,
with such emotion and diligence given to the unimportant issue,
you almost had to believe he really believed it himself.
but then again,
he just quite possibly did.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

crack rhyme

as strange as it is, and as weird as it seems, it helps me think clearly and helps me stay clean. for I've seen many things that you just wouldn't believe, things that crackheads did, that I could barely concieve, like one night this dude ray, who is such a fuck in wreck, tried stealing my haggis, so I had to attack... I took off my heels, and then started a fight, I said "oh no u didn't!" cause he just wasn't right. he pretended that he didn't just try n swipe the goodies brought to smoke in the pipe... then he acted real dumb, which wasn't that hard, cause honestly he's one cell from being a fuckin retard... so I said like, fo real? did you just try n steal what I graciously bought what u said u sought, and he looked straight at me pretended like he didn't see me try n stuff in his pocket so I punched him in his eye socket and then that was the end, I just cannot pretend to be like, his friend, so I guess this is the end.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Do You Know Where You're Going To

Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To) - Diana Ross

there's a strange smell in the air when things change.
everything starts to look different,
take on more defined shapes,
colors become more vivid,
textures come into focus from fuzzy to slick,
scents emerge and fill the air with fragrant scents,
flowers bloom,
grass grows,
glaciers melt,
children grow,
life continues,
and everything takes it's righteous place.
remember, a butterfly is not always a beautiful creature.
it starts as a hairy worm,
only to cocoon itself and transform into a thing of pure beauty.

many years have passed as i've sat in my cocoon.
alone, ready to break out, yet,
unable to, as the timing just wasn't perfect.
but as the days tick by,
the evolution of my destiny becomes a necessity,
and time is of the essence.
the months i have spent relearning life,
reconfiguring who and what i can be,
how i can develop and recreate my image
so that the ugly caterpillar inside me
can blossom into the butterfly,
and soar the clear blue skies.

i feel the cocoon around me break cell by cell,
i hear the crunch,
i feel myself expand, stretch, develop.
i feel the wings beneath my back
start to grow and crack the shell.
my arms reach out, grasping at the air around them.
my legs push hard,
hoping to touch ground and take off running.
beams of the outside light appear
causing chaos, confusion, and clarity, all at once.
as i brace myself to expose what's been hidden inside for too long,
my mind rewinds and revisits where it's been...
remembers where it came from,
and recalls the hard times it's had.
because no matter how beautiful a butterfly becomes,
no matter how high it fly's,
it was still, once,
an ugly caterpillar with a hope of a better day.

but, do we ever really know
where we're going to?
if you like the things that life is showing you,
then you are lucky...
if you don't,
if you know everything should/could and would be different
if you just pushed a little harder,
than kick, scream, push.


Electro House Mix 2012 (Whitney Houston Tribute Mix) (Special)

as hard as i try to imagine that it's not really real,
and as much as i hope, pray and try to change what has turned out to be the truth,
it still just remains the same,
without any way to debate it as a solid fact.
i still cry,
i still anticipate the next thing i'll see,
wonder what it will look like,
what the sound will be,
how she has grown
and what will be the favorite part,
which, i'll never really know
until i've heard it 3 million times.
what do you do now?
she aint coming back...
it's a simple, true fact.
something legendary is gone from the human race,
and even though it's been a few months and
we should have gotten over it all by now,
every now and then,
i'll hear something in the distance,
and i get so emotional.
aint it shocking what ove can do?
she was the one i always thought would turn around
and show everyone that true talent cannot be denied.
it can't be explained, reasoned with, or copied.
why am i still mourning my loss?
i guess it's because it came so out of the blue,
so fast,
and with so little explination.
theres a zillion people in this world,
so many of them without hope or potential...
why was her card picked before theirs,
they would never have been missed.
true talent, i have discovered,
sometimes doesn't get the credit it deserves.
maybe that's because it's so genius,
so out of this world,
that it really is, too good for us.
it's hard to kill a cockroach.
the ugly ones last till the bitter end.
the beautiful ones fly, high, but not forever.
they are gifts that we should be thankful for, everyday.
for when theyre gone,
theyre gone forever.
and all we have left,
is a memory
a sweet, bitter memory
of what it used to be.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Whitney Houston - Fine

although it seemed like a hundred years,
in real time, it amounted to only one week.
but a lot can happen in a week,
and when it's broken down into days,
there are a zillion things to fir into a day,
a million in an hour,
a few thousand in minutes,
and one or two you can squeeze into a secong,
if planned out accordingly.
but this week,
as much hard work and as stressful as it seemed,
especially in the long hot days they were encountered in,
was finally past.
the struggles could now just be seen as a memory of what it took
to finalize and wrap up the situation at hand.
and he was proud of the way he handled it,
and relieved that it was behind him.
some said he couldn't do it,
they said he had already fucked up his life,
burned to many bridges,
destroyed to many friendships,
ha, that showed them.
don't ever count e out, he thought,
because it aint over till it's over.
and this fat lady had to sing...

as the sweat beads dried off his brow,
he felt something inside him lift,
something brought him peace,
and rose his spirit to a place it had forgotten.
he made his move,
he made it fast,
he made it without drgging his feet,
and he made it wisely,
with strength,
and he breathed a sigh of relief.

this chapter in his life he could now officially say,
was over.
and that was just fine by him...

Saturday, July 21, 2012


he tried his hardest
not to let
the situation
take it's grip
on everything
he ever felt,
below him were
the ones who knelt, and
sat below,
always looking up,
never minding
their souls that much,
for if they did,
they might have seen
the mess they made
was too extreme.
and so he took a deep breath of air,
and noticed
the signs were there,
they were written clearly
for all to see,
no more turning back,
no more of that for he,
had seen the darkest,
climbed the highest,
jumped the farthest,
and made his mark,
for all to know,
no more looking back,
just stare straight ahead,
and go...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

today is the day

and then,
when he woke up,
he realized that
everything was about to change.
today was the day when
everything he had anticipated
would turn into something he no longer wished for
but everything he was.
no more time to play,
no more energy spent hoping, wishing, thinking...
the time was now,
the day was here.
and so,
he took the last relaxing puffs off his cigarette,
as his stomach growled
and he prepared for the rest of his life.

Friday, July 13, 2012

i miss you so bad

The Hottest @Abercrombie & Fitch Guys, "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

boy you came into my life,
i miss you so bad,
and you should know that...
i miss you so, so bad...

i'm crying over you again...
that's all i need to know...
i guess i'll never really get over you.
it's weird because
it's hard to look right at you,
i just found a photo we did about 3 years ago
a shot we did for the saint at large.
with damion cross....
we covered you in clay and dried it so you looked like a statue.
it's ben sitting untouched since that very day on my desktop,
and when i looked up, i sw it,
like i have a zillion times,
but this time opened it.
i posted it yesterday.
it made me sad, and it was hard to spend the time in front of it
Photoshopping, cleaning, and making it, perfection.
i love it.
and i miss you.
you fucking cunt.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

children of the corn

it occured to me last night
that maybe what we did,
was something that your friends wouldn't understand.
maybe it's the something that gave them something to use as ammunition, to show you how out of the circle you've gone.
maybe they are just jealous...
maybe they, deep down,
wish they had the balls to do what you did.
maybe they don't know how you did it,
but you did it, and without shame, only pride, and you were great!
just remember this...
the people you call friends right now at this point in your life,
you will probably outgrow and surpass.
so don't let anyone make you have to "explain" youself,
don't let them feel like they have an upper hand,
because really, when you think about it,
they are just children of the corn,
they huddle in masses because they cannot stand up alone.
that's not you...
so, live your life your way....
because in the end,
that's all that really matters.