i could have had it all.

i dont know what i need from u. from anyone anymore.
i just feel like this could be my last chance to make everything right. maybe the reason i went down all the wrong paths before, was to help me get to this one shining moment...but i don't have the resources to push me the last steps of the way to fully realize something great. i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm alone. i'm losing my mind up here. i'm trapped.
i want to believe everything will get better, but nothing is...and when i look at things realistically, i see, in fact, i'm sinking further down and i am just trying to figure out in my head if i should just give up already.


i could have had it all.

why i'm not so great anymore.

sometimes
the only air i get
is from the puffs i take
on a cigarette.
i don't breath anymore.
everything is too uptight.
i have no elbow room.
there used to be a time when
if things weren't perfect,
i had a little time to fix them.
now,
if something isn't right,
it appears exhagerated
and it stands out and apart
from everything else,
making everything that once seemed good,
look half assed.
making it something like
an eyesore...
bloody.
messy.
not right.
uncomfortable.

there is nothing i can do about it.
it's too late.
pressure has cornered me
and left me unable to move.
let alone stretch,
try something different,
or tweak.
experiment.
everyone's eyes see only that,
the one thing that isn't perfect.
the one thing that stands out,
and makes this impossible to enjoy.
once this was my time to play.
now every last detail
is scrutinized
put under a microscope,
and examined.
pointed out,
and
used as an example
of why i'm not so great
anymore.
why it was probably just a hoax,
a mistake that i was a success anyway.
and in fact,
typical that i even got so lucky.

people love to talk.
they love to criticize.
they speculate,
congregate
and exaggerate
what went wrong,
instead of trying to understand
that maybe there's nothing wrong at all...
maybe it's a minor setback
that under less critical eyes
would have just been considered a learning experience,
to make me do something even better
in the future.
but i don't have that luxury anymore.

i'm scared

everything seems alright...
on the outside.
inside,
everything is a mess.
there is not one thing stable,
no one solid,
nothing salidified in stone.
my head spins but that's a normality at this point.
i know what the ending of the story is,
i just don't know what any of the chapters read like.
will the ending be modified when the chapters are finalized?
can there be a light at the end of the tunnel?
or has the spark been put out...
can hope be restored,
can faith reign supreme?
will i ever live to see my destiny?
or will my destiny be something i cannot even imagine?
i'm scared.


it never crossed my mind that
i would ever, never know.
i always thought it had to be different,
because it was supposed to be.
this is not my last chapter...
the ending has yet to be written.

i hope it's good.