i was almost an abortion

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

to infinity, and beyond...

Chapter Fourteen;

To Infinity, and Beyond...

After a few long summer months of what seemed like endless days turned into never ending nights, he realized that there was something missing in his life. it was something he had almost probably taken for granted, because it didn't actually seem like it played such a major part in his day, but in fact, it was the one small thing that let everything around him come together in one or two simple run on sentences.

He felt almost relieved when he finally just sat and he knew that it was this very thing that he needed, missed, and yearned for, because it just came back flowing through him like it always did. his mind seemed to relax. his heart slowed down it's beat, his brain seemed to put up ladders and started to climb up to build the structure it had abandoned a few months prior. he was back. home. and everything seemed right again. 

He thought back for a moment and tried to remember what exactly had made him stop, and it made him shudder when he realized the very person who had given him so much grief over this passion, this thing that made him feel complete and gave him closure to most of the uphill winding slippery sloped insanity he somehow survived daily, was also the one person who, after all these years, was out of his life. and it all made sense. this guy was supposed to protect him. but this guy never lifted a finger to do anything except take and manipulate. but the witch was dead, ding dong, and so, he could finally move forward, 
and ahead. the skies right now looked dreary, but there, up ahead, he swore he saw a break in the clouds, and maybe even a beam of light was trying to break through...

...and in the distance he saw a shooting star as it fell to earth, and he understood then, that maybe his star had fallen from the galaxy it once ruled, and maybe he was not the same bright shiny young burst of energy that he once was, but he knew also that he could soar the skies again, and this time, he just may light up the skies, to infinity and beyond...

we now return you to your regularly scheduled show...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

the moral of the story is...

and so the moral of the story is...

It was very funny indeed...
it made perfect sense, 
of course it did!
it's the very thing he had been taught at the very young age of 1 when he was shown the difference between good and bad. he was shown right from wrong. and he was also schooled in the necessary rules of you win some, ya loose some. it's never ever going to always be in your court. the ball has to bounce back and forth so that everyone gets a fair share.
it was that easy.
but it took so many difficult and tedious trials and errors to understand it fully.
but now, he thinks he did.

At the end of the day, even if you lost the tournament...
even if your team came in second,
even if everything you wanted was flushed down the toilet...
in the end, if you were still right next to the one you loved,
and if they still looked at you with that look that never judges, never demands, but always glistens,
you are a very lucky man...

And they lived happily ever after...


and the world was a more beautiful. loving, caring, giving place, for the rest of eternity!

j/o & Buddy

Saturday, June 15, 2013


Janet Jackson - If

if everything i've done thus far
means anything to anyone, anywhere,
could i please get half a break, because,
i'm sinking, and drowning fast.
i never ask for anything, but always give everything.
i want not a lot
but get not a lot either.
i don't think that it seems tpoo much to ask the world for a second chance,
because i never did anything to hurt anyone,
i planted flowers, hoped they'd grow,
i helped my friends and dreamed real big,
had some success, and yet, never came up on top,
never felt fulfilled.
never made enough money to save a dime,
and now,
it's time to step up to the plate,
accept responsibility for everything
put aside my inhibitions,

step forward, and up to the plate...
because if not,
it's over soon,
without debate.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

laying brick

The legendary Hollywood story 
goes something like this...
Lana Turner walks into a soda shop back in the day, fresh off the bus from somewhere, wherever it was, but fresh faces and gorgeous, innocent and eager to make something of herself in a world of fantasy and fabulosity...until, at the soda-bar, sipping a root beer float, a Hollywood agent sees her, and the rest is history...the girl next door becomes the shining star of her generation.
ya never know when you walk into any room, on any day, in any situation, what may happen and what change it may take in your life, for the rest of your life.
this was one of those days.

to be continued...

to catch a thief


something interesting happens when you discover that you've been caught in a twisted lie...you try and retract and retell, which in turn makes you have to re-think and remember what you had said originally 
which you won't recall, ever, exactly, so you say something, thinking that you are saying the thing you had said in the first place, but, in your head, you have also, unconsciously, exaggerated and added bits and pieces of the story to cover the things that don't sound right, even in your own mind, so...you want to make it better, and sound more truthful, so, the story you told at the beginning becomes sloppy and in turn, spotlights the lie you told at the start...and if you had just said the truth, then there would be no reason to ever lie, because if you tell the truth, there's no reason or need to go back in time and have to recall, because your subconscious can recall precisely second by second what happened, because it actually happened, and it needs no justification, because it's true and does not NEED to try, because it IS real. it ACTUALLY happened. THAT way. not this way or that way, but the way it naturally would because it makes makes sense, it however, does not make sense the way you said it when you lied because things just DON'T HAPPEN that way.
so don't think, even for a second, that i'm stupid.
because the very idea that you think i'm stupid, would mean that you think you are smarter than me, to which all i can say to you is...i don't think so.


so... i'll say it AGAIN!!!!!

i've said it before...
apparently no one was listening, so...
i'll say it AGAIN!!!!!

it is still one of the biggest growing problems in the gay community,
and no one else seems to be addressing it...
it's the alarming rate of inconsideration that happens when some gay men use social media, aka, Manhunt etc.,  and instead of using it for it's intended purpose (i.e. hooking up) they instead use it to just use up electricity, waiting and not checking their mail for days, and then responding with nothing interesting to say...
or then they send you a message that says they are looking for now...and when you say, ok...i'm ready, let's go, address? they all of a sudden don't get back to you for several hours, meaning that when they were looking for "now" they really meant they were maybe, possibly, if nothing better came along, hoping to maybe, kinda-sorta-if-and-then-but-whatever...they aren't really looking for anything in particular, but will annoy you till the end of time until someone who they think could possibly be "better" "hotter" or "more hung..." comes along.
faggots, get a grip.
first of all, you are insane, because it is such a waste of time, (so why do i still do it?) and the guys never look as good as the best photos they have of themselves...get it?
even if they were just as hot, maybe hotter, the idiotic questions they bombard you with, like, who's your orthopedic surgeon...make no sense, and mean nothing in regard to what they are on there for.
then there are the guys who live in Taiwan that email you, just cuz. thanks u think i'm "hot" but, ok, i'm on, i'm looking for now, i wanna get laid already!

men, the time is now to be what you think you are, which is MEN, and start acting like that thing you want, expect, demand the other "men" you're trying to hook up with and be.

it's a sad day when it takes 6 hours to get laid by someone who lives down the street, who you never before even looked at, cruised of wanted, but just need to blow a load.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

back on track

...around the middle of the next day, it was apparent that he had gotten a grip on himself, and was ready to take the next needed steps to get beyond the dark place he had been in for months. it wasn't actually dark, more like gray, but gray wasn't his color, he was more of a fluorescent kinda guy, and wasn't afraid of the bright lights he had grown accustomed to being in since he was a kid. it's hard to be a child prodigy, especially one that is given so much at such a young age, by people who were at the very top of their game. with that kind of permission from such higher ups, it was easy to take the reins and go faster than he should have, but he wasn't one to slow down...he loved running in the fast lane, and when he raced, he usually won...no one could catch up, or even give him any kind of competition...and the wind felt so good in his hair, when he had it, that he just ran, head held high, and let the path take it's course. but he had gotten sidetracked, gone down a wrong path a few years back, and that path wasn't one that he could run without stumbling, tripping or falling down. he had lost his breath going uphill, and had to stop many times, and try and catch his breath. but that path also taught him a lot about how to survive, how to pace himself, and how to give himself a break when he needed one. but the break had lasted longer than expected, and he had grown a little lazy, taken for granted his speed, and agility, and was out of shape to run any marathons right now...he needed to get himself back up, brush off the dirt he had accumulated from the spills he had taken, and get back on course.
he was ready to run.
he was ready to leap, soar and fly.
he was ready, and he knew that when the people in the bleachers saw him all of a sudden speed past the front runner and leave them in his dust, they would be happy to have him back...
it wasn't a comeback, for he had been there for years, but when he returned, to his glory, he felt sure that he would never look back.
only forward.
and from that moment on, when he felt the blood run through his veins and his heart race, he knew that it was on.
in his head, he heard the shot go off, and that very instant, a breeze came, blowing...
and he took off and didn't look back.

the day after

by the time he woke up, everything had changed.
the rain had stopped.
the sun was shining.
the sky was clear, a deep blue without one cloud.
his body wasn't aching,
his eyes weren't red from crying,
his heart was singing...
he was shocked and surprised,
and relieved.
what a difference a day makes, he thought,
hmm, i guess that old saying was true.

it was all in the past,
and now, he continue on his journey to a better place,
but the past wouldn't be forgotten,
just used as a "what not to do ever again" exercise in life.

lesson learned.
and learned...the hard way!

lessons in love...the Italian way.

no matter what he did, it all came down to the same thing...
he had made his bed, and he was laying in it...he knew he had fucked up in the past, but the fact still remained the same..he never did anything with vicious intent. people would think what they wanted anyway. and eventually they would see he had changed, had grown, cleaned up his act, and was a better person in a better place. he never meant anyone harm, but he never allowed them to take advantage of him either. apparently you give people the impression your insane when you fight back, because most people just lay down and accept being trampled on. maybe he didn't have to wear his heaviest boots when he kicked back, or his stiletto heels for that matter, but he did what he did, and he did it his way, and no one could ever say he didn't fight for what he believed.
he was raised by an immigrant Italian family who, although not mafia, still could still give the evil eye like no one else. his grandmother, Mom, was known to take her orthopedic shoes off her bunioned feet and throw them clear across the table and right at someone's head if they threw the wrong card out when they were her canasta partner...he knew that for a fact, and could prove it with the bump he still had on the side of his head. but no matter how hard the shoe was thrown, it was forgotten in seconds with the wise words..."If I didn't love you, I'd let you be stupid for the rest of your life..."
his grandfather, Pop, once told him one of the greatest lessons he ever learned (and the one that to this day got him in trouble) and that was that in life, some people NEED to be taught a lesson. and the only way they ever learned that lesson, was to be humiliated in public, made a fool of, and shown first hand that they in no way, at no time, should ever pull their stunts again. this had become his motto in life, and he never felt bad giving someone a well needed lesson. his buddy David was once dating a guy who, after meeting the guy for the tenth time, the kid again, on the eleventh, put his hand out and said "hi, i'm so n so..." to which he, without missing a beat, replied..."you forgot me? remember, at such n such a sex club, last saturday...i was fisting you and when i pulled my arm, which was elbow deep out, it was covered in shit!?" to which the dumb kid replied in a huff and shocked voice, "that never happened!" to which he replied, "no, it didn't but i bet you'll never forget who i am again, will ya..." and so, the kid never did. lesson learned. 
but that was years ago, and the constant outrageous behavior was apparently too much for most people, white people especially, ones who weren't raised by a family of loud crazy Italians who threw shoes and taught others how to behave...
so, what other way would he know than what he was taught by the people who loved him more than anyone he'd ever known.
were their ways wrong?
not at all, because he did learn his lessons, and he had grown up a better man.
no matter what the drama was at the canasta table, it never was even thought of as injust, only known as love. all would be better in seconds, just watch out for the flying orthopedics when you were playing cards.

that's how it was.
that's how i learned.
that's who i am, where i'm from, what i'm made of.
and in the end, it's what i trust.
lessons are never easy to learn, but once taught, they are never forgotten.
sometimes people need to be smacked on the head. sometimes they need to be humiliated and made to feel like the idiots they are. sometimes they need to be called out and reprimanded...
and so, moral of the story is;
if you do something stupid, don't be shocked when a shoe comes whipping at your head. just know that the only reason it's been thrown at all, is because the person throwing, cares enough to let you know you are not a fool, and you should learn this lesson, never do it again, and even...say "thank you for knocking me upside the head, i needed it."

cause ya probably did.

it's been a long time since i saw them. and i miss them so much. one of the last times I saw Mom alive, I was walking her home from our house, which was right next door. out of the blue, she said to me "you know Joey, not everyone gets married..." i said i knew. and then she looked at me and said "but that doesn't mean you can't have someone you love, be happy Joey, always be happy...because you deserve it, and you will find love. just make sure whoever it is, knows what a great man they have. don't ever forget that."

and i didn't.

Friday, June 7, 2013

something i don't see...

it's starting to kick in.
i feel it, slowly, seeping into my skin,
feel it entering my bloodstream,
sending shivers through my body 
and traveling straight up into my brain.
once it reaches, i know i'll have no other choice but to let it take control.
so instead of fighting the feeling,
i breathe deep, inhaling, exhaling.
i'm relaxed, but hyper at the same time.
my eyes are wide open,
jaw is clenched,
muscles tight,
and i can't get myself to sit still.
my mind races with what to do next.
should i do something?
go online and search?
pick up the phone and make a few calls?
or just remain here, alone, and contemplate.
it's not like this is the first time,
but this time is different.
it's not like i'm shocked,
just confused.
it isn't what i know, yet, it isn't familiar either.
it sunk in this time deeper than ever before.
it made me stop, think...question, and at first, fight it.
but fighting it just adds to the heightened drama of it all,
and i should really try and avoid that...
the drama is where i get everyone around me all riled up
and it makes them feel uncomfortable around me,
which pushes them away,
and leaves me here, alone. again.
but everyone can't be wrong,
can they?
what it is, is something i don't see...
maybe because it's part of me that i don't see from others perspective,
from the outside looking in, it's a different view.
am i crazy, or, can it be that they are all crazy?
when they see me they see something i don't recognize.
and the thing i recognize is not anything like what they think they see.
i see something funny, something nice, warm, accommodating, even chill.
they see it as if they are looking in a fun house mirror of what i see.
but don't they see, i am here, just me...
and i'm not trying to cause harm,
i'm just trying to survive.
except...i guess i am causing harm, 
dangerous harm,to myself.
and no matter how hard i try, fight, or question,
they still see what they see.

and it's not right, but it's okay.
it needs to be different,
it needs to be changed.
it needs to happen soon,
because it's chaos is making me insane.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

READing is FUNdamental

i hate that i have to do it,
but i will.
just cause you pushed me too far.
i was nice.
you were an asshole.
you took advantage.
you used me.
you thought i wasn't gonna retaliate?
why in the world would you ever think that?

you know me MUCH better than that.
and you know i'm no fool...
so, i ask ya,
last chance...
do you really wanna play games with me?
cuz trust...
ya gonna lose!

aks yer man'zes, or babymomma, (cuz she tryin to get knocked up wit all dem loads she done be gettin shot up her cootch) fer da coins, she can supply u, don't she do that anyway?????  911 please! i has an emergen-T
dat's whatcha git fer bein shady gurl...

i'm gonna ask once more, and then, you're through....

wanna play??????