i was almost an abortion

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


David Guetta - Titanium ft. Sia

(everything happens for a reason)

as the countdown begins, i start to understand that the quote i am most heard repeating, is a double edged sword that indeed cuts both ways...and deep.

as i start writing, i casually glance at the clock on my screen and notice it's exactly 8:00pm. it hits me, but not hard, that in exactly 12 hours, the entire nightmare that i have been living for the past three years, especially hard were the last two months, all the drama, pain, frustration, lonliness, heartache, fear and insanity are almost over.
and so, i sit at my laptop, feeling relaxed, relieved, and a bit resentful, but all in all, inside i am rejoicing. by the time the first light of dawn breaks over the spectacular catskill moutains, when it's rays reach the majetic hudson valley and caress the cold waters of the hudson river, i will be alive once more. it's almost a feeling like i am about to be born again, and this time, this child, knows more, has lived 8 of his 9 lives that were lived so fast, so hard, so strong, and so wonderfully, and he is greatful that he got this second chance. it almost didn't come, it almost died a thousand times, butit's brve heart never stopped beating, it never let go, it beat all the obsticals, jumped every hurdle, and somehow, managed to keep his head held high, shoulders back, chin up and mind in tact.
it wasn't easy, but really, what did he expect...
it taught him lesons that he wish to god he never had to learn, but there they were, in his face, he had nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, no one to help him, so a lot of the time, he cried...
what did he do to deserve the hardships that were so extreme sometimes that it was still even shocking to him, just how he made it through in one piece. but survive he did, and with no help at all, his skin got thicker, his mind sharper, his tounge more split, he had come here a soldier and would leave it a warrior.though he aged many more years than he lived, his mind hadn't faded, his enthusiasm didn't faulter, his creativity flourished, and his memory stayed true, for it never now would forget this nightmare had showed him, it taught him many lessons that he thought he alredy knew, but this time that they showed better examples, s the prie wa much higher, the stakes were much steeper, for if by chance he just once teetered, he would have fallenmch farther, been in waters too deep, and so now, this night over, he would enjoy peaceful sleep.
i know i have nothing more to relay.
my eyes are closing, and my muscle feel sore,
i'm alone now, only Buddy by my side,
he was there, thick and thin, every day, every night...
and so to him i promise one thing, loud, an clear,
from now on, nothing will ever come between us,i will mae sure that you never are hungry, always have a warm bed, i will give you everything i can...
because in your lifetime, you only get one true love.
only one man will tand by you, an only one will be there through the hardest days, and the longest nights...
if he knew just how much i love him,
appreciated his loyalty,his kisses, his smile...
i think he has an idea...
i hope he knows, because he is the love of my life,
no man could even come close.
if that boy could talk..

it's now time to rest, we have a long day tomorrow, but it' a new day, with new faces to meet, new home to get adjusted to, a new life to begin.
it may sound insane,
but somewhere deep in my heart, i will miss this place that caused me so many tears,
but it was my home, good or bad, for 45 years...

when i wake up, it will be the last time i ever wake up here.
i miss it already.

my past...

my future.

to be continued...