i was almost an abortion

Monday, May 27, 2013

look closer...

Year of the Drums, Vol. 1: March of Desire D.J. TED BISHOP


Even though it seems so far away,
it's just right there,
so look closer,
before it runs away.
it's everything you thought it would be,
and probably much, much more.
it's all the things you never thought
would be right there,
but there they are,
what are you waiting for?

we never seem to understand
i'd like to know too, 
but i can't seem to get it.
i don't know why as much as i try
it all seems to fail,
nothing seems to work,
even though i try to no avail.
it hurts so much.
it sucks,
it's nuts.
i see it clearly,
 i know it's there.
but yet it never solidifies
it just disappears into thin air.
if i give it one more try,
i hope it's there...
if not, i'll cry.
or die.
or both...
no lie.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

as i see it...

I've found that... 
living in the middle of a Thursday night sitcom based on afro-americans in the 70's during the time of change and uplift, actually, uplifting.
as i walk the streets of hills and valleys, side streets lined with yellow or dark burgundy duplex's with arched brick columns  that guide you up to peaked copper roofs, acid green in patina, porches and stairs that bring you up toward the thick wood doors that were the entrance to the grand hallway where another set of steps lifts you even higher. the spirit lifts the heart of all this depression by the grandness that must have once been. tumbling downward, yet being restored impeccably by master craftsmen with precision. at first glance, i saw depressed. now i see a broad horizon that is endless. it's from the outside looking in, and what's inside is amazing, but what's right here is maybe even more amazing. so, i am thankful for being thrust in a place i never imagined, for reasons i never would have found if i wasn't abandoned here. me n Buddy. ugh, that poor baby boy has seen it all. and always been the solid rock that kissed me at night and again in the morning. always in love, never anything but love, which is all i ever wanted in the first place.
it makes me see how fortunate i have been, and am, and can be, and will be, once i get myself into a groove. i guess i have to prove my love to you. 
right Madge?

i am starting to discover that it's more than just the execution of the idea, it's the very idea itself that matters, what grows, and generates by expressing what i was here for in the first place. why i survived the wire hanger is something i guess is still in discussion. maybe it's all about survival of the fittest. or the rise and fall and rise of a man with a mission, but as pf yet, mission unknown. navigating through muddy waters and rivers that run upstream. impossible, but, if it happens the way i hope it does is again, don't call it a comeback, nah, i been here for years. thru all the drama and the pain, and all the tears. it's time to stop this roller coaster, i wanna get off, and start moving mountains and swimming seas and find another world...

just cause i can.

what i really wanted to say,
but to be nice, i kept my mouth shut,
is that i...
i guess i can't say anything really.
because somehow, every time i open my mouth
it gets misconstrued or misunderstood by somebody who
then feels it's their duty to tell me 
what a bad person i am.
well, um...hello?
open your eyes bitches,
cause you've been misinformed
or misguided...
mistook and misused your mentally retarded 
and minute brain cavity
and somehow you went so far out of bounds with whatever crap you've been fed,
you felt it your DUTY, to call me on it.
well, lemme tell ya somethin'
i told you that i wasn't wrong.
i told you the whole truth.
i didn't even exaggerate, cuz i didn't have to.
i am usually always right.
and i say something when i aint.
but this time i was right.
and i got nothing to say sorry for.
you on the other hand...
need to step up to the plate,
bow that ugly head of yours, just a little lower,
find that place in you you so long ago forgot,
and say, not in a whisper, but for the whole world to hear,
"I'm sorry Joe. YOU were right."

then i'm gonna slap u 
upside the head twice.
                 just cause i can.

now i ask ya...
don't ya feel FOOLISH?!?

cause ya should.

Friday, May 24, 2013

DEREK PARKER fights back!

chapter 3,475
the final conclusion:

While no one was looking
he decided that the time was right
to make his move.
he had to be swift,
he had to be strong,
and he had to fight back.
it would be the fight of his life,
it would destroy him inside and out,
but it was now or never,
and never wasn't an option.
he had to wear his courage on his sleeve
and hold the weight of the world in his heart.
this was the time,
he was certain.
as he raised his head up towards the sun rays 
that were beaming through evaporating clouds,
a flock of ducks was seen flying southbound overhead,
there was a clean fresh breeze that wafted to his nostrils 
and in an instant his entire mood and attitude changed.
his body shook it's goose bumps through every pore
and his hair stood on end.
he raised his chin just a bit higher,
with just a bit more confidence gleaming in his eyes,
and a smile cracked just a bit in the corners of his mouth,
the world was a better place...
and they lived happily ever after...

as the late great Erik Rhodes once said, 
you aint really a porn star until Joe Oppedisano shoots you. well, i guess a new pornstar has arrived,
 and just in time...
iml kicks in,
God forbid...
poor Chicago...

Derek Parker,
take it away.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


listen to me!
what's going on!!

it behooves me to even imagine in this day and age that what's going on is actually going on.
it's 2013.
and it's still going on.
no, not men over 40 wearing Abercrombie...
we have fought our way to the place we're at for so many years,
but it aint ever enuf is it.
we are always gonna have haters hate,
but mow it's time to retaliate.
enuf is enuf.
no more.
stand up,
be proud,
and kick fuckin ass.
str8's who hate need to get one thing straight...
we faggits's gonna retaliate!
don't hate me cause i'm gay
(or beautiful)
hate me cause i'm more man 
than you'll ever be,
and more woman than you'll EVER fuck!
but that's me.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Whitney on my mind

ya think ya know everything,
and ya think that your 
shit don't stink...
well it do.

click here;

Whitney on my mind...
it happens a lot lately.
actually, all the time.
cause it's time to stop this roller coaster
 i've been on for way too long. 
i wanna get off.
it started off being way too fun,
but it went higher than i thought it could
and was faster than i expected...
it made me scared so many times
but the fear i always rejected.
cause i know me,
and it aint easy being' me,
if it was, there'd be scientists trying to clone my ass...
but they aint.
thank God.
i relate to the late, great, Miss Houston
 in probably too many ways.
all the ups, then the downs,
applause and ovations
turned to booing crowds and rejections...
all the drugs, and the drugs...and the drugs.
it's been way to long.
i can't even remember when it wasn't.
when it started.
who i was with,
but i know with whom i wasn't...
they are the friends on whom i can always depend,
but i need to be straight
raise my head and relate
that i know i was wrong,
please forgive, 
and help me be strong.

because without you i'm nothing.
just a name in the wind,
but with you i am something
a force to be reckoned,
i hope on you i can depend...

 i'm sorry,
 and i'll always love you my friends.

click here:

and here:
and here...
and here.

i want you to love me...

click here;

did you ever wish... 
you could get back something
that you did in your past?
if it wasn't for me i know what we had
was definitely gonna last.
i admit 
that we say somethings we don't mean when we're mad
but i realize that i've been foolish
i never shoulda turned my back
cause it's a cold world when your out there all alone...

your boy is coming home.

and i want you to love me
and i want you to hold me
and i want you to touch me
come give me what i'm missing...
like i never left.

all i can think of is what i see when i look at the devastation that's happened to me, is the way i let things out of my control take over me and throw me down a hole. it was my choice, no one else. i made decisions that were bad, and somehow set them free. now i have to prove myself again, so that everyone can see...that once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a boy, not yet a man, who had nothing left in his soul. he closed his eyes, he hoped and prayed, that one day maybe, he'd find the way back to where he used to be...

no one could help him,
not anymore.
he had gone to far,
burned every bridge,
and slammed too many doors.
now it was all up to him.
he had to rise above,
and show the world
he was ready to come back again.

cause it's a cold world when your out there all alone...