i was almost an abortion

Sunday, December 30, 2012

I'm Coming Out (Bootleg)

Diana Ross - I'm Coming Out (Integer Bootleg)

and so it was,
and there it went,
just like the load i dumped n spent.
let it drip
outta his ass
took a few days
for it all to pass.
so by january 7, 8 or 9
it'll be just about the right time
to understand
and put behind
and don't look back
just say what the hell...
move on
push it further
more powerful next time
cause the way i did it thislast one
wasn't what i had in mind.
see ya.
ur done.
i'm not.
so shut the door,
lock the windows,
seal it shut
n burn it the fuck down.

i'm coming out.
no doubt.

out w/the old

out w/the old
in w/the new
i'm so glad that it's over
it's time to start anew.
sweep it under the rug
locked in a closet on a dark shelf.
behind funky old chachka's 
under moth balls
that smell.
it was fun, kinda, not...
it drew blood and caused tears
it made my nose drip snot
and now,
on to next year.

every second...tikkk tokkk


what seemed like seconds
happened about two hours ago.
it started really slow
and got more interesting
the further along i'd go.
it wasn't planned
it wasn't thought out,
wasn't necessary, although,
without a doubt,
in only seconds i was transformed
to what i stand tall and proud for now.
who'd a thought?
did ya ever think?
can u believe that
it actually even was
the moments of my life
i've grown to love.

...every second, something happens to change your ideas, distort or entertain, embellish or regain, learn to push or refrain from something that you'd never guess could even be, the beginning of future you never ever thought you'd ever see, could come to be...

Saturday, December 29, 2012

everyone you meet...

Tate Gallery Mixed Sculptures 
Village People Can't Stop The Music (Re Mix)

everyone you meet
the children in the street
are swaying to the rhythm,
there's something moving in em...
 and you never knew who they were, what they did, what they'd just heard... it really doesn't matter, they create such a great amount of chatter 
when everything around ya is really usually ever only bla...
does it seem so insane to feel so completely without shame
when inside you think your great but then stop and see that fate 
has brought your eye to stop and stare 
and in no more than a second become aware 
that there's others in the world 
with similar actions, jobs or tendencies...
however less absurd?  

and then one day you see a face, in a chat room from outer space, and you have to stop and stare, inside you think, damn, that isn't fair...that's how i reconnected with him, and as we chatted, it sunk in he is not just a pretty face, he's got talent, and grace, and his work, from what i've seen, makes him seem so much more extreme, yet hasn't even begun to see, where it will someday, surely lead.
there's not just a glossy stare, from him, you must be aware, there's really, so much more there...Mr.Sam DeVries...and some unbelievably otherworldly images of him from another talent i hope to see a lot more of, Allen Todd Yeager.

be aware...there's something happening there...


Friday, December 28, 2012

Sorry, yea, whatever...

Madonna - Sorry (Paul Oakenfold Remix)

i'm waiting...

Is anyone reliable anymore?
does that word even have a meaning?
has the entire planet become so self obsessed that it forgets that,
besides it's very needs,
there are others around who are
possible waiting...
for them to do what they said they would do,
when they said they'd do it?
or is that just too much to ask?
is it a big deal to just say 
"something's come up..."
"i'm sorry, i know i said i could, but, now i can't..."
is it?
and if so,
the truth shall set us free.
it defiantly frees us from things like,
hanging around waiting...
delaying other things that could have come into fruition,
and preventing everything and everyone
from enjoying themselves
and making sure that everything happens, 
actually ends up happening.
and no one is left out in the cold
doing nothing...

i heard it all before...
and before that too.
and i think before that, 
i actually invented that lie...

and i'm still,
(u better have a huge fuckin' cock dude...)

i cant sleep

Somebody That I Used To Know (Feat. Kimbra) (4FRNT Remix)

U think u know someone
and then, u don't
something changes
something turns black
or rushes through u
like a heart attack.
oh no,
i thought u knew
cuz i told u so.
dont believe
in all the crap
it leaves u racing
like a heart attack
from to much masturbating
when your smokin' crack...
go slow
go simple
look around
you'll see,
what's mine is mine
and can't be taken from me,
for eternity.
what i posses
i must confess,
you'll never get
because i'm blessed...
you'll never understand, ya see,
cause ur not in touch with the things i see.
the feelings i have
the times i cry
the way i think
can't be replicated
cause they r unrelated
to everything u think you know
so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show...




Thursday, December 27, 2012

back home, again

NYC, home at last.
and just when i thought i was about to lose my head, laying on the couch in the living  room of my parents new apartment with a 103 fever, 
on a couch that is as uncomfortable  as could be...my broken rib ached even more as i twisted from side to side, in clouds of puffy feathers, the smell of my mothers perfume on high  blast, my father, up at 5, in bed by 7, up and sown, my mom in the second bedroom playing poker on the computer, and, to make it worse, outside, the snow started,
and hasn't stopped.
in my head swirls thoughts of how to make the next year better,
what to do to make work more fulfilling and rewarding,
how to jump-start my new "career/aka life"
and the snow kept falling, isolating me and them,
making the small apartment seem smaller.
the couch lumpier,
the pillows more stiff,
the refrigerator just as empty.

but it's done, and now, i know, as i have known for a while now, this is the future, now. whatever happened, happened, whoever got in the way, this years gonna get [pushed. the future is here the future is now.
and all that's left to deliberate and think about is...
why didn't i think of this earlier...

Saturday, December 22, 2012

memoirs of an a.d.d. psychotic, neurotic mess who has to deal with a retarded ex

OMG! (people r insane)

all alone and far away
i watch it all slowly decay.
i tried to grasp hold of reality
but it let go, and set me free.
i've asked for help
a billion times,
this time the boy who cried wolf
has really, truly,
lost his mind.
what is going on?
i try to ask.
who cares,
it's going to be over fast.
i used to think that, one day
you'd understand i'm not okay.
you did your best,
i think,
i guess,
perhaps next time
i'll hope for less.
i know it isn't easy to be my friend,
so maybe it's time for it to end.
i have no where to go, it's true,
i'll do just what i always do.
nothing, really, 
except lose my mind.
what's that?
you care?
or are you just being kind?
as the walls around me
come tumbling down
i feel unsteady,
on my face, a frown.
the ground quakes,
my body aches,
for christ sake,
i'm about to break!
one more time,
just once, i'll ask,
help me?
no reply?
well, i guess then, 

on the other hand,
let me get this straight...
i once had visions that what we had was great.
but then you opened up your mouth,
out came crap,
that's when it went south.
so let me say this
loud and clear
your not what you portrayed,
in fact, my dear...
your the mess,
and not i,
i can't believe you made me cry.
your unreal,
why did i feel
that we had something special,
till you broke the deal.
ok, i get it now, it's cool.
now i understand
besides being stupid,
your also cruel.
and now you've proven
who's the fool...

this time was close,
i can't explain,
but i truly thought
i was insane...
but sanity is over rated
caused by those who probably 
a simple fact,
that i'll make now,
just to keep you on track,
cause as a mater of fact,
your not anything, anywhere, anymore,
and never were, never will be, and will never again
treat me that way.
you got it

ok, i'm out!

see...it's already started to work.

2 hours ago 

it's been, honestly, the toughest year of my 26, oops, i mean, 45 years. i have been down to my lowest (i hope) place in life, and hope and pray (yes, i do have faith in a higher being) that the new year coming up is one that can be, even 2 tiny steps better, not just for me, but for everyone...we are all in a bad place...the world is not kind anymore, people have gotten greedy, everything we know is changing, and not in the right direction. but understand one thing, truly, through it all, we are all in this together...we may think that we are alone, sometimes, but then, if you stop and just look around, and are able to be thankful for the things you have, the people that love you, and then look even further and see that, probably, you are actually much better off than most.
we need to make the world a better place, because if we don't try, even a little, than we are headed for a bitter end to what could be a fairy tale story. reach out, be kind, donate, give back...it's up to you, it's up to me, it's up to us, and if we pull together and join as one in the belief that we want and need everything around us to change, grow, blossom and be something that future generations can look back on and be proud of, we must cherish the very things that we sometimes, so easily, forget...that we are stronger, more powerful, and better people, if we put aside our own crap, (once in a while), and just open up, be selfless, understanding, and generous.
it's time people...
you are not on this planet forever...
it's a limited engagement for everyone...
make the world a better place, because, in the long run, it will make you feel better, do better, and quite possibly make everything and everyone, better, all around.

"everything happens for a reason"...i keep telling myself, i hope it's really true, because it's got to...that's why...

i want to just say, thank you, to everyone, for everything that you've given me the past year(s). without you, i'm nothing, and i truly say that, from the bottom of my heart.
happy holidays,
i love you.
xo j/o