i was almost an abortion

Tuesday, April 30, 2013


when the best people you know
come from out of the woodwork
and run, not walk
to your rescue...

you know instantly, and without second guessing
that there is something very special in your life,
and you should be grateful.
it's been like an avalanche all around me the past few days,
and it makes me believe that maybe i'll be okay.
maybe it's all just common knowledge that i'm a mess,
but i still have friends behind me to lift me up.
people who know the old me,
the new me,
and all the in-between me's
understand that i am what i am,
i never deny it.
i never question it.
i just live it.
and to know i have support,
is everything times 10 that i could ever ask for.

thank you.


Monday, April 29, 2013

rainy days and monday's

rainy days and monday's always get me down.
especially when i'm already feeling shitty,
which is a lot lately, and it's making me crazy.
i'm little by little starting to understand
that it's me alone who holds responsibility for everything happening to me.
of course i always knew that anyway,
but now it seems that there's much more at stake
and i can't sit around and wait.
the greatest knowledge any man has is knowing when, where, how and why
his life went somehow awry.
once you know the truth,
there's no stopping you
from correcting and mending all the wrongs
and making them right, again.
it's my time to start mending.
accepting the facts that i fucked up,
and rise above the clouds
and begin again.

i'll make it through the rain...

Sunday, April 28, 2013


it was only when he actually flipped the last page of the book that he noticed something wasn't right...
nothing added up...
princess Lucy was still in a coma after eating that rotten apple...
the evil queen still pranced around laughing...
monkeys flew overhead,
and the prince had never even figured out that the shoe on the girl he was about to marry didn't fit...it was only because of the corns on her heels that the shoe even fit!
there was no happy ending to this book...
everything seemed wrong.
it didn't even pretend to be continued or have another episode to tie up the strings, nothing..
it was just over.
the end.
could that be the end?
was it possible not all stories had happy endings?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

the best things in life

the best things in life...

                                                                                                     ... are free.

although it seems like money is like water
pouring from our hands as if there is an unlimited supply
available to us, at all times.
when we hold on to things too tight,
we sometimes crush them,
and so, lose them forever.
it's when we have a good sturdy grasp
giving everything room to breath, grow and be happy
in it's own space and time
is when we discover that even though it has the chance to get away,
it stays close by
as to not lose the wonderful feeling it has there.

some people think that they must be in control of everything
all the time
and are furious when they discover that in actuality
everything they are holding on to is suffocating in extreme.

let it go,
let it be,
be man enough to understand
that if it loves you back
there it'll be.
forever yours
forever more.
just maybe not the same way
it was before...
but it will trust you, love you and be there beside you.
it's the best thing in life.
and it should never cost you a thing.

it shiuld be there because it wants to be.
and that's how love its meant to be.


Last night when the clock struck midnight,
and the new day began,
it tolled the second of the first day that my ex, Brad, was born.
it was 50 years ago today
and the celebration began
and then i suddenly felt like everything but celebrating...
50 years.
that means almost if not mpre than half is gone.
i'll be 50 in 4 years.
and i'm not ready tpo go anywhere...
what will happen to me when the strong ones who have held me high
are not around to carry me?
what will become of me when i have no one around me who remembers the days when everything was incredible,
when i was funny,
and smart...
no, and handsome!
what will happen when my world isn't the same
and i'm nothing but an old man
with nothing more to hold on to but my wheelchair.
i never want to know.
i fear that it's going to happen.
and i fear most of all,
that i will outlive them all...

i miss them already.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

some days


Some days i feel like i am on top of the world.
today wasn't one of those days,
and so i lay in bed, curled up to Buddy
my bestest friend
held him tight
with all my might
prayed to God for the will to fight
but fighting seems to put me back
in a place
under attack.
everyone around me seems
to think i am a bit extreme.
they never look at things thru my eyes
if they did, they too might despise
the craziness that i, around me, see
it isn't pretty
but it's reality.
so i tossed
and then i turned
i've been through the fire
and been severely burned.
and here i sit
alone and sad
it makes me nervous
to feel this sad.
i don't know how much more i can take
never secure i feel 
like i just may break.
there isn't one thing i can say
is perfect 
but i hope today
will be one of those, and pass.
tomorrow's almost here
i shall surpass
and become the man i'm supposed to be.
i know i can...
it's my destiny.

Monday, April 22, 2013


People who need people
Unfortunately I have to say,
Are very unlucky people.
Especially so if theyre gay.
They'll probably one day truly see
That what i say
I say, indeed,
Because in my life i have seen
Things unbecoming of a queen.
If u were truly royalty
Why would u act so viciously
To someone loyal,
Someone true,
Whos made his lifes mission to
Make the visions in his head
The fantasies you take to bed?
Another thing can be said...
Beyond all that
He gives great head!
Oops again i did it,
Sorry Britney...

But I really miss Whitney...
Now back up a step.
I know you'll get it...
Just take your time and don't forget it,
And get upset if
Something seems out of its context

Maybe even probably
The  things that u think u see
Are just a part of what in reality
Happened and you could have jumped
To conclussions that are fucked up
Because if u knew all the facts
You'd have shut your mouth

Step back!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

rock with you


Boy, close your eyes...
let me get this vision of you i have in your mind...
don't try to fight it,
there aint nothing that you can do...
relax your mind,
lay back and groove with the you i see in my mind
you gotta feel your heat
just trust me cause
you should never feel you're secondary...
just know deep down inside
it's you,
and so from now until forever
you will see you're legendary,
let it happen,
you deserve this
that's why i'm here.
so let it be.

Everything happens for a reason.
it's true.
nothing is accidental,
it's necessary,
so believe in what i say to you.
everyone has their own reason
for entering your life.
only when it's the right season
they are there
and justified.
if you try to fight the feeling
then you might just stop the magic.
because when it's there
it's for that reason
and to lose it would be tragic.
so just go with it
and let the worries in your mind
go away and just realize
it's just one life
and now's your time,
so relax,
enjoy the ride.

Today proved to me all of everything i have inside my mind
is meant to happen
when it happens.
maybe sometimes it seems 
far away from what you dreamed
but when you look back, then forward and then again back
you'll find that what i say
i say
because i know
that it's a million times more beautiful
than you could have ever known.
and so give thanks
and keep smiling
because even though you feel deceived
by some of the hideous things you go through
in the end
they were the things you need
to make certain that you see
that this is what will help take you
to fulfill your destiny.
it's beautiful.
you're beautiful.
it's one time.
it's one life.
there never again will be another.
it's that simple.
so live your dreams.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall (Vintage Culture Remix)

quite possinbly
you do need an education.
cause ur never really as smart as ya think ya r
don't ass-u-me
just cause then
ya look even more foolish when ya get knocked down a few pegs.
lesson taught
lesson learned.
get it?
cause u r like school on a sunday beotch,.
no class


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

HA HA funny

it's funny,
maybe not HA HA funny,
but funny, like...
"dude, that is SOOO NOT FUNNY!"
and when the second version of funny hits you
and you understand that there is no punchline awaiting
that takes the tension off the situation,
and makes everyone in the audience, at first feel a whew, sigh of relief,
and then second makes them break out in a rash of hysterics
thathopefully make you forget exactly what it was that you were so uneasy about
in the first place.

in life the things you learn that make you laugh after you sweat
and then make you breath after you don't
are the things that, generally,
are the most important lessons.
they make you go through an ups and downs scenario so that you have an enormous rush
of internal jitters and stomach cramps that then create sweat beads to form in your brow
that dampen your hair so that it sticks to your forhead and neck,
drip down to your sweater and make the wool fabric get a ripe, almost farmyard-like stench
which makes you sniff and maybe even cough,
a cough that goes down to your depths
of the thing you call a soul
which you thought you didn't even have any longer,
because you were sure it had been sold to the devil years ago...
they aren't the funny things like others that you recall word by word
from a t.v. show or movie,
they are instead similar to that,
except different in that
they make your mind lose control
and make your mouth spew pure venom.
you can try hard as you like
but theres no end in sight
to the relaxed place and time
that you once had far far away in your mind
but theres no turning back,
you can't, and that's that.

i learned a lesson today.
about the friends i thought i could trust
the ones i did a favor for,
the ones i bent over backwards to help
and it shocked me, just for a minute,
when i saw i'd been used
completely abused
and it was not in my grasp
to know what to do
in the situation i now knew
was my own selfish way
of not trying harder to improve.
Quentin Harris, d.j. un-extraordinaire, needed new pictures done
and i didn't hesitate not a one
to ask me to shoot them all not once but twice
and i spent so much of my time
that i almost went blind.
and now here we are almost four months since i've heard
not even a peep
from Quentin about paying me back,
not a peep.

tomorrow i go to court and find out
if eviction is possible
to throw Buddy and me out,
and Quentin knows all of this, yet,
not a word...
funny huh?

like i said, not really a HA HA kinda funny....

Saturday, April 13, 2013


every morning when he woke up, he had his coffee, walked the dogs, and tried to, maybe, make this day the one that made the difference in turning everything in his life back around to a good place. but today was different...last night ended differently, so, it made sense that it would start in another way too.
before he went to bed, after a long day of stress and a gurgling stomach, he, for no reason at all, said a thank you prayer to the universe, and when he did, it somehow made all the worries from the day disappear. he didn't sleep very well, and not for very long, but when his eyes did finally open just three hours later, he felt rested, not energized, but comfortable, and with a feeling of substance, unlike he had felt in some time. he also felt humble, which, for him, was rare, so he went with it, and jotted out a few thank you emails to people who he had made listen to his drama one to many times recently. it felt good to wash away the past with a simple, yet kind message that he hoped would maybe start their day off with pleasantries also.
it was a new day.c everything seemed different than it had for the past few months...
the sun was shining, it was warm outside, and there was even a different taste to his coffee, and the dogs decided to walk a different path...
maybe something was about to change...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

2nd guess

listen to your gut.
i should always do that,
never second guess,
because when i don't, it never fails,
it's gonna be a fucked up.
and i know this,
for certain,
yet, time and time again,
i do not listen when i should
and then discover that once again,
i've stupidly made the same mistake,
and did it again.
but this time i nipped it in the bud.
i stopped it early,
i didn't hesitate,
because i knew that if for one second i procrastinated,
the night would turn into the next day,
tomorrow i'd be awake from kicking myself endlessly
and then feel bad about it for a few days after.
but this time-
the trick was a troll,
i told him to scram,
he did, although dragged his feet,
so i pushed..
and now he's gone,
and so, i can get to bed,
sleep well,
and enjoy..

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

fear factor

as many times as he had hit the wall,
fallen off the bike,
and tripped and fell,
in the past he always got back up and tried again.
in the present he was covered in mud,
bruised and bothered
and dust had settled in all the cracks.
it was evident that there was nothing more that he could do
except face the fact that the past was different,
things had changed,
and he had to too.
no more could he rely on what he had done before.
it was time to move up
look beyond
and move on.
the time was now.
his place was uncertain,
his future was unclear,
his mind was until now
untethered and uncensored
but now it was time to undo
everything he had always taken for granted
and start anew.

the facts were clear.
the factor was fear.

the boy who went insane


for as much as anyone on the outside could see,
he was doing incredible!
his work was everywhere
but nowhere at the same time...
so from where he sat, he wasn't doing incredible at all.
he always laughed when someone who recognized his name
would gasp in delight,
but then he'd get upset in the same second
wondering why people who could hire him
didn't seem to share that same delight.
it was complex,
it was typical.
it was the way of the world.
those who he brought joy to
could do nothing back for him,
and those who he needed to put food on the table
were either closeted fans
or scared shitless of him.
it's just how things went, usually.
and as much as he tried to make everyone see that he had changed, grown and matured,
become even better at his craft, gotten wiser and endured,
still they remembered only stories
of the boy who went insane.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


miracles happen every day.
more than that, actually.
some may be so tiny to the naked eye that they are never even actually seen
but the change they have caused in everything around them
makes you know for certain they actually happened.
today, waking up, to me,  is considered a small miracle.
the last few months have been traumatic,
nothing seems to be going my way,
i've tried, and tried again,
i've even started beginning to pray.
but there isn't anyone listening.
no one seems to understand
that i'm in a place i can't fathom,
it's foreign to me
i almost always have a plan
and am in control of my destiny.
but not for four years or more.
since then, it'sdifferent,
and i'm not so sure...
everything i've ever known
had hit a wall
and stopped
and now i'm all alone.
questioning the reasons why
my life has somehow become unknown
to me.
and yesterday was a bad day.
i woke up questioning where i was,
who i was with
and what i'd become...
but this morning laying next to me
before my eyes opened,
i heard them breath
and just that tiny thing told me
i was home,
and felt relieved.
that was a miracle,
for me, anyway.
it told me i would be ok.
if only for today.

caverns of his mind

it's amazing, he thought, just how little 
rest and nourishment the body actually really needs...
it occurred to him that his life was probably almost more than half over at this point, and there had been so many precious memories, incredible trips, wonderful times with family and friends, as well as high and low points, of course, but what they all added up to was, in the end, he thought, good. 
there were times he could naturally recall, which he wasn't exactly proud of, but none he would have ever missed, not even a second of. for it was those times that gave him perspective, showed him a different angle, or way to approach something similar, if, God help him, it ever came up. and it was that knowledge that he kept locked away, deep inside the cavers of his mind, that he cherished most, because they let him know, for fact, that yea, he might-a fucked up, but he was still here, he was still strong, and he was still alive.

Monday, April 8, 2013

i don't know

"is there a vending machine on this floor?" were the first words he awoke to this morning. 
"i don't know..." he replied as he shook his head and looked around wondering where the hell am i? 
"i don't know."
he didn't know where when how or why he was in this motel room with a strange black man who when he took a second look at he recalled having incredible sex with...but where did they meet, oh wait, now he recalled, what did it matter, it didn't, after all.
but every now and then when he wasn't under a spell, and the moon wasn't following in retrograde, or there was a moment of off time to be had when the insanity had died, he realized that this was not such an uncommon occurrence his not knowing where he'd been...and then by the time he had his wits about him to try to resolve and complete the task of making sure things changed, he had already forgotten why, because his memory had been burned.
maybe that was why he recently started noticing people shaking their heads when he walked by. not in disapproval, but more in a sadness, for they knew that there was no way of helping this blind man cross the highway, not this man, he wouldn't ever accept help or for that matter, sit and wait for someone to try. his stubbornness was matched only by his talent, and these were the two things that made him a genius, and also tore him up to shreds. 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

fuking while on greindr

Get your story straight,
dear God, please,
don't think that i'm as dumb as i look,
you said that your night was free,
so i said "let's hang out" you said yes,
and then it got mixed up somehow,
when you actually met me...
if for some reason you weren't into it,
just say that girl,
your not as i thought you'd be either,
but i handled it correctly
and there it is...
you all of a sudden had made some plans,
with someone, somewhere,
i don't understand...
your "friends" sent you some kind of "reminder'
i guess that's the text you were replying to on Grindr.
i just would love if for one minute
we could start acting like grown ups
and not twits...
but we gays don't know how to be
nice to others, unless, you see,
it will somehow benefit us
and then, well, please...
we bend over backwards
we make a fuss,
but only when it is in the interest of whats good for us.
but i aint stupid!
i'm no fool...
i'll tell u one thing
then i'll let it rest,
is that cool?
i didn't expect
not for a sec
that you and i would ever be
together forever till the end of time
for all of eternity,
but i was funny, i was nice,
i was cordial, and even was pleasant enough to bite my tongue
when you all of a sudden had time for me to take some pics of you(for free),
while your "friends" were waiting.
after you left,
i began debating
what to do about this, so,
here i am ventilating...