i was almost an abortion

Friday, August 24, 2012

I Was Here

I Was Here (United Nations World Humanitarian Day Perform...

as i walked through the sun today,
my eyes wandered aimlessly, noticing little things i had not forgotten about for so many years.
little tiny things.
unimportant things, or so it seemed.
i want to say i lived each day till i died,
but i am also aware that maybe i lived in a way, a place, a moment that
made me not be the person i always hope that i can be.
maybe my views were distorted,
my memory askew, my mind distracted.
there are things that happen in everyday life that
as horrible as they seem to us at any given moment,
are really, nothing in the entire scheme of things.
the trials and tribulations that wear us down day to day
bring us down a few steps,
destroy our hope in humainty,
and make us assume the worst in everything, everyone.
can it be happening to me THIS way? at THIS time?
can you really make me drop down one more peg to almost zero.
is this what less than zero is like?
or is this just what my time in hell, for eternity is going to be like?
why me??

but today, walking my babyboy,
the sun on my shoulders,
the wind in what was once my hair,
the blood which once ran cold,
now bubbled, percolated, revived the dead dreams of what once was,
invigorating my spirits,
pushing my expectations,
opening doors and windows,
exposing me to the things in my world i had lost, or taken for granted...
everywhere around me, people were smiling, laughing, water skiing, taking photographs, riding bikes,
ENJOYING the simple little things that seem so trivial and ordinary,
but these are also the things that,
without them,
we become nothing more than machines of our own self distruction and pain.
why do we hate the very things that, for centuries and generations,
have brought the world a simplistic smile?
why does everything have to be so hard?
the answer is...
it doesn't.

you're here.

so sorry.

you said that you felt "sorry for me"
ya mean it?
i mean,
usually if someone felt sorry for another for an unfortunate series of hideous life changing events...
they would reach out their hand,
offer support,
and a cup of coffee,
and then, after talking, calmly,
would there maybe be some resolution and calmness.
it's not like you have anything to feel sorry about me for.
i'm my own man.
i live as i want.
do hat i want, when i want, with whom i want.
i'm not afraid,
i don't scare easily,
and i'm not ashamed.
if i was...
i would be ashamed of the fact that i even let you into my life
and showed you emotion of what humanity is really like.
but i aint even ashamed of that.
cause i