you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind...
and i did.
as i walked into the doctors office two days ago, still aching from the cock-ring that was too tightly wound on my cock, shivering from the ice cold blood in my veins, and the light headed-ness in my head, the first thing i could say to her was "i've done something stupid". i pulled down my sweats and showed her what the metal piece had done to my piece, and she screamed..."you need to go to the emergency room, NOW!"
and i went.
i was given pain killers and something to make me drift off, as they took a chain cutter and snapped the metal ring off, causing me so much pain, and a rush of blood to my brain, that i passed out, cold, for ten hours. when i woke, hooked up to IV, the doctor shook his head and told me how lucky i was. lucky? well, it is possible that when these situations occur, that blood is lost to the penis, creating gangrene, and must be cut off.
so, lucky, i guess, yes.
i came home, and slept two days straight, in pain, on Oxycodone, and thanking the newly born Jesus Christ for sparing me and my penis...
merry fuckin christmas to all!
ho, ho, i'm a stupid HO!
as the winter shortens it's days it brings depression to me, a deep down disturbing depression that makes no sense and causes real emotional anguish. i can't get past it. it leaves me numb and sad, lonely and isolated, trapped by the four empty walls around me. it's my goal to get over it and on with life, but it's grip is so tight and hard, it makes it almost impossible to move.
i hibernate in my head, and become locked inside a small cold room where my thoughts are confined to the many ways i have let myself down. once i was on top of the world, my images flooded the internet, and my spirit flew high. but that was when times were good, the economy was bright, and i was a different person. it was before i let drugs take control of me, and before my career hit rock bottom. i was young, energetic and full of faith in the promise that everything would work out fine. my body was in shape, and my mind was even more sharp. i had the world at my fingertips, and i touched everything i could possibly touch, see everything there was to see, and do everyone i and everything i could do.
i was going to change the world, i thought, and then it all changed.
to take the pictures i take, i had to experience things i had no concept of. i had to dive into a pool of people who had gone their own way, and lived their own lives. as i collected and soaked up their ideas and lifestyles, i found myself moving closer to the dark side, where i was becoming someone else, and living out that other persons life. the energy was intoxicating, and i drank it up.
my mind which was somewhat still innocent, became black, and my heart turned to soot. i was buried by things i couldn't get out of my head, and finally collapsed in a pile of thoughts i couldn't let go of.
i have become someone else, and my journey now is to find myself again.
i have every intention of digging as deep as i must, to recapture the boy i once left in the dust. he still turns inside me, he is certainly not dead, but what's left is his memory, locked away in my head. he screams and he cries, and i hear him and know, for as much as he tries, i just can't let him go.
he is what made me good, what made me tick, and his presence is needed if my mind is to tick. i know he is out there, and somewhere i will find, him cramped in a corner somewhere dark in my mind. when i look back, catch a glimpse, of this magical boy, it brings to my eyes a few tears of joy. he was someone i liked, someone i trusted, his moves and his ways sometimes golden encrusted. he had something i didn't, and that was innocence, with the knowledge he's gained he'd discarded that since.
but his dreams still alive, inside this old man, will be relived and revisited, and that is my plan. to nurture and stroke this boy who once lived, deep down inside, and the promise he'd give. i have one chance yet, to this boy, i will get, back and be good to, it's my goal, that's my bet. he will live and be deemed, in my heart and my mind, he will be set free, no more darkness he'll find. his dreams will relive his old destiny, and be back once again, he shall be set free.
i miss myself sometimes. it may sound narcissistic, but true, i once had a promise, inside, and the promise was so simple, it made me rush out of bed every morning with excitement. this past that i've created, in my mind, and in truth, is someplace i had to go, and so i did, and am now through. i feel like a change is brewing inside, and from this place i perch, it just can't be denied. i must follow my destiny, follow my dreams, and revisit that boy, and the dreams that he dreamed.
as i sit and i type, alone in my room, i feel something changing, something ready to bloom. there's something i haven't done, one thing left i must try, and that's to be true to myself, and my power inside. it's something i always trusted, many years ago, before i let the darkness spin me out of control.
for the first time in years, i can see, and see clear, what i am meant to be, take control with no fear. for i know that i'm close, i know that i'm not far, from the things i do best, leave behind all my scars. but my scars will then show, what their meanings truly were, and i'll rise above dust, be myself, and endure. i have regained my faith, restored my old trust, and inside i know now, it's because i must.
this is the dawn of a new me, and i think i will be happy, and like what i see. i have no regrets, i don't think i'm obsessed, but instead i feel that the real me's been deeply repressed. there's a fire thats burning, and it's hot to the touch, it's a fire that mine, and it's burned down any crutch that i've used, and wall i once leaned on, it's out of control, and this time it's a fire i won't put out. it's who i am, it's based on all i've seen, felt, lived and experienced, and it will burn straight from my soul.
so, i promise myself, and to you who have witnessed, beware of the man you once dismissed.
one year ago today should have been my last, but i survived. it's taken me a year to say confidently, that i'm back. and i aint going anywhere, ever again.
christmas morning 2011. outside, there is no sunshine, no snow, only rain. a cold, bitter rain that saturates the skin and goes directly to your bones. there is no warmth, no nothing to comfort or console you, the world feels empty, i feel alone.
this day which is supposed to be the most joyous is one, so far, of bitterness. it represents the past twelve months for me, perfectly, as this past year has been one where no flowers bloomed, no sun rose, and no hope was to be seen. and this very day, which represents a year of almost the end of my life, begins with no excuses or promises, and concludes with nothing more than emptiness.
last year, today, should have been my last, as tomorrow is the day i got in my horrible car accident which i barely made it out of. four broken ribs, a brain contusion and complete memory loss was all i had to show for it, that, and a year of working hard to regain myself as i knew it. friends have disappeared, loved ones slipped away, work abandoned me, my career diminished. in one year, time froze, and life stopped. there were no songs that could lift me, no movies that made me smile, for i had reached the bottom, and had no strength to climb up. the spiral downward took years, the slow climb up would take more. i have yet to reach the first level, as my mind plays tricks on me and makes me think i am better. but inside, my heart knows the truth. there's no sunshine in the future, no warmth upon my shoulders, no love in my heart. in a world of seven billion people, i feel all alone.
the four walls i see confine and shelter me from the world outside. a world where people move, speak and love, walk, reach and grow. alas, it's a world i lost sight of, a world i once was a part of, but a world i am not of courage to re-enter. for there is also one thing to fear, myself. i have crossed and burned many bridges, destroyed many contacts and isolated many friends. i have lost my faith in the kindness of others, and emptied my heart of all dreams. there is nothing left, but the sad lonely end of an artist who once felt he had nothing to fear, yet fear is all that's left, in a mind that's now cold, and the winter is back, and there's nothing left for me to hold.
if i close my eyes, i see nothing, a terrible fate for a man who's vision was his passion, his brain was his beauty, and his life was his dreams come true. but they'll be no sunlight, since i lost it, maybe, they'll be no tears from inside anymore, it's just empty i've seen it all, and my vision now is hazy i can't see ahead, i look back and it seems crazy. for someday i wish to look up and see hope, maybe, hope will appear and my life will come back and it will change me. i had a dream once, it was so beautiful. i was on top of the world, surrounded by friends and loved ones, who supported and encouraged me. my destiny had been fulfilled, my visions had been met, my hopes had been more than realized, and i was a great man. that dream has since died, and the nightmares have taken over.
if i dig deep in my soul, i know, somewhere, i'll find a solution to all the despair in my mind. i know what i need that's myself who will save me from all of the years of self abuse i have given all the tears i never shed, all the wrong paths i took instead of the clear open one, ahead, my destiny just bled. like an open wound it will heal, with only love can i feel i have something inside and no more can i hide. it's time to stop my ordeal, confess, and reveal that i'm stepping up and defying all my words made for lying. i have been given this chance to begin and once again, maybe dance in the light of a moon covered night. for this time i now know what the emptiness holds, and i don't want it, anymore.
this is my time, my moment, my place to shine, take control and regain what i lost all those years that i tossed. i was give life, as a gift and abused most of it. but abuse no more, i will, for i have time left still. and this time the gift is acknowledged, accepted, and thanked. i will change my life. i will become the man i am supposed to be, again.
