i aint going anywhere, ever again

as the winter shortens it's days it brings depression to me, a deep down disturbing depression that makes no sense and causes real emotional anguish. i can't get past it. it leaves me numb and sad, lonely and isolated, trapped by the four empty walls around me. it's my goal to get over it and on with life, but it's grip is so tight and hard, it makes it almost impossible to move.
i  hibernate in my head, and become locked inside a small cold room where my thoughts are confined to the many ways i have let myself down. once i was on top of the world, my images flooded the internet, and my spirit flew high. but that was when times were good, the economy was bright, and i was a different person. it was before i let drugs take control of me, and before my career hit rock bottom. i was young, energetic and full of faith in the promise that everything would work out fine. my body was in shape, and my mind was even more sharp. i had the world at my fingertips, and i touched everything i could possibly touch, see everything there was to see, and do everyone i and everything i could do.
i was going to change the world, i thought, and then it all changed.

to take the pictures i take, i had to experience things i had no concept of. i had to dive into a pool of people who had gone their own way, and lived their own lives. as i collected and soaked up their ideas and lifestyles, i  found myself moving closer to the dark side, where i was becoming someone else, and living out that other persons life. the energy was intoxicating, and i drank it up.

my mind which was somewhat still innocent, became black, and my heart turned to soot. i was buried by things i couldn't get out of my head, and finally collapsed in a pile of thoughts i couldn't let go of.
i have become someone else, and my journey now is to find myself again.

i have every intention of digging as deep as i must, to recapture the boy i once left in the dust. he still turns inside me, he is certainly not dead, but what's left is his memory, locked away in my head. he screams and he cries, and i hear him and know, for as much as he tries, i just can't let him go.
he is what made me good, what made me tick, and his presence is needed if my mind is to tick. i know he is out there, and somewhere i will find, him cramped in a corner somewhere dark in my mind. when i look back, catch a glimpse, of this magical boy, it brings to my eyes a few tears of joy. he was someone i liked, someone i trusted, his moves and his ways sometimes golden encrusted. he had something i didn't, and that was innocence, with the knowledge he's gained he'd discarded that since.
but his dreams still alive, inside this old man, will be relived and revisited, and that is my plan. to nurture and stroke this boy who once lived, deep down inside, and the promise he'd give. i have one chance yet, to this boy, i will get, back and be good to, it's my goal, that's my bet. he will live and be deemed, in my heart and my mind, he will be set free, no more darkness he'll find. his dreams will relive his old destiny, and be back once again, he shall be set free.

i miss myself sometimes. it may sound narcissistic, but true, i once had a promise, inside, and the promise was so simple, it made me rush out of bed every morning with excitement. this past that i've created, in my mind, and in truth, is someplace i had to go, and so i did, and am now through. i feel like a change is brewing inside, and from this place i perch, it just can't be denied. i must follow my destiny, follow my dreams, and revisit that boy, and the dreams that he dreamed.
as i sit and i type, alone in my room, i feel something changing, something ready to bloom. there's something i haven't done, one thing left i must try, and that's to be true to myself, and my power inside. it's something i always trusted, many years ago, before i let the darkness spin me out of control.

for the first time in years, i can see, and see clear, what i am meant to be, take control with no fear. for i know that i'm close, i know that i'm not far, from the things i do best, leave behind all my scars. but my scars will then show, what their meanings truly were, and i'll rise above dust, be myself, and endure. i have regained my faith, restored my old trust, and inside i know now, it's because i must.

this is the dawn of a new me, and i think i will be happy, and like what i see. i have no regrets, i don't think i'm obsessed, but instead i feel that the real me's been deeply repressed. there's a fire thats burning, and it's hot to the touch, it's a fire that mine, and it's burned down any crutch that i've used, and wall i once leaned on, it's out of control, and this time it's a fire i won't put out. it's who i am, it's based on all i've seen, felt, lived and experienced, and it will burn straight from my soul.
so, i promise myself, and to you who have witnessed, beware of the man you once dismissed.

one year ago today should have been my last, but i survived. it's taken me a year to say confidently, that i'm back. and i aint going anywhere, ever again.