I'm not gonna pat myself on the back for turning into a good guy, all I'm saying is I like the, not new, I guess just changed, for the better, but no, that doesn't really sound very good.
so today I decided will be there day I start writing about who I am, and how I became the guy who I am. it's graphic and its pure, because it's seen through the eyes of a guy who's been through it.
I think that I write the way I talk...I believe that to be true. so I guess I wish I heard myself tell it to know how to write it...
I grew up in a pretty big family. a pretty big close family. my grandmother and grandfather lived in the house to the right of us, and my mothers brother, and my uncle and his wife, aunt dot, lived next door on the other side of us. I was adopted by two of the sweetest people I've ever known. my mother had had 5 miscarriages, and couldn't have kids, so when they adopted me, I was like, the golden child, and they spoiled me rotten.
I think I need to go slow.
when I talk, I talk fast, and it's mumbled because I have a raspy voice, and also I've had to learn to adjust my speaking because I do talk low, except when I'm yelling. my father was deaf, so growing up in the house we were always yelling. Jory thinks I yell now, but that's mostly when we are in bed and I'm telling a story and exaggerating something. I hate when he tells me not to yell...because I'm not really yelling, I'm merely emphasizing something by pitch.
now that's better. I explained the whole reasons why, as I was going.
so here's the thing.
I have been out of my loop for over a decade now. at the end of my kinda fabulous career that me and only me destroyed by being a drug addict, which by the way was not REALLY my fault because I thought I was dying of AIDS and that accelerated by drug use, but who knows really how I ended up doing the things I've done.
anyway, no matter which angle you choose to look at this debate, I fucked it up, and royally, and I did it all by myself, I'm the Joe Oppedisano way of doing things in a grand manner. it was my fault.
anyway, what I've learned from the world we now live in, a hideous world where a thief, rapist and conman have kidnappped us all and held us at ransom, in a world of Harvey fire steins and George flops is, goddamn it, I was and am an entitled bitch! we all are, all us whites. I had everything literally handed to me on a silver platter, and without hesitation, I took all I could, never thinking or caring who I may have stepped on to get it. it's strange, when your white, you really don't get it. and it helps me understand MAGA idiots who were brainwashed by FOX, I get it, they don't want to lose it, all that that is there if your white. but after all I've been through, I now see, it was and is all a scam. but that's why I now, humbly, try to come back to a place that I actually worked for. I self taught myself how to take photos, and I worked hard at perfecting it. I am not ashamed of any of that hard work, and I think I was in the right place at the right time. that's me, wrapped up in a nutshell.
and that's why I'm here now, right in the right place at the right time. I'm in an amazing relationship, I'm in a secure place with my man, home and dog, but I miss that part of who I was, and I use was because that person is so far away from who I am now, and I miss it. I miss the way it feels to be in control of a creative process. how it's everything everywhere all at once mixed, stirred and combined to create something you love. this is what I miss, and now is my time to try and get a part of it back.
