i was almost an abortion

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Ripped and Shredded


ok, we are all obsessed with youth.
of course, not being the young cute chicken in the bars anymore makes us rethink who we are, where we've been, what we've become, and what we've done and haven't done with our lives.  theres nothing more beautiful than the skin of a 19 year old, the muscle tone of a worked out Abercrombie & Fitch boy, the energy of a 15 year old, or the sex drive of all of the above....but, would we ever really want to go back to being 19?
after all i've been through, good or bad, up or down, every experience has led me to know better, think faster and more wisely, and not make the same mistakes again. after all, beauty fades, dumb is forever.

but, it would be nice to know what these kids now know...how to work their bodies to perfection in high school, they know if they're gay or not without shame at 7 and they still have all their hair...
maybe i'm bitter...but i don't think so, i think im just accepting the fact that it aint coming back...and i guess that's ok...
maybe in my net life i'll be an Abercrombie model...
my luck i'll be a potato.

as i see the boys come and go, one minute the newest best thing around, the next, yesterdays news...i recall the day when i was that boy...the pretty Italian boy from upstate with the big dick...that didn't last very long, but then again, i had a good time anyway...




Wednesday, May 30, 2012

ready or not

long weekend of the summer, number 1, officially done.
and the clock starts to tick...
i now have one month to organize and solidify the greatest work adventure of my life...
my movie.
the video i've had in my head for years,
will soon come, no, HOPEFULLY, soon, come into fruition.
it's harder than one thinks.
everyone i speak to about making a porn always has their own interpritation of what they consider to be the "perfect" porn.
everyone talks, everyone listens, and i get more and more amped up to create something that no one has really ever seen.
my photos are one thing, i love taking them and creating images that tantilize minds and cocks, but to have the chance to bring the characters i create for stills to come to life in 3D, is, to me, the next obvious step in my life, and what i call a career. i've worked hard my whole life, had 4 lifetimes of experience in a million different situations, pushed, prodded and produced what i love, making it happen, making it come to life, so, i'm not as much worried as i am nervous. i have a lot of enemies, i've said what i think, made comments, made mistakes, but never made a wrong move in taking the next step to getting what i want.
so now, here we are, 4 weeks ahead of time...
4 weeks of planning, organizing, producing and negotiating my dream. baby steps are fine for some, but me, i leap and bound, i can't walk slowly, i run, and this time, it's a sprint to the finish...
wish me luck.
cause here it comes...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

How Will I Know

how will i know?
well after leaving what i think could maybe be something interesting
maybe even life changing,
i walked down 7th ave sun shining city sparkling
picked upa bagel at Murrays
came home thought maybe i would try and sabotage myself and my chance encounter...
went on manhunt,
found noting, except the typical
it is tuesday after a holiday weekend of course,
the only ones left online are the ones youd never do,
yet there i was...
sabotage is what i do best,
with myself anyway.
but i decided, after logging off,
that maybe i'd just sit back relax,
do the actual necessary things i needed to do today,
and let my evil ways go
just for the day.
maybe things will work out differently than in the past.
just maybe,
i'm growing up.

and there it is...

maybe the last person you'd expect,
the one you chose to overlook,
by chance, all these years,
would be the one person you never dreamed would be
the one who's mind would be in synchcronisity
with similar perplexity
to what you store, deep inside of thee.
but then, one day,
out of nowhere,
something happens,
something's changed...
something's morphed, and rearranged.
for what you saw as black,
is really fuscia, up close.
and how and why in the world,
could you have not seen it before?

it doesn't matter in the end,
in the long run it just depends,
on the way you choose to comprehend,
all the things you now know,
and then,
the choice is yours,
the time has come,
you see yourself,
looking differently...
the things you now can clearly see,
are the ones that will make the rest of your life,
magically, turn right into your destiny.

so now you know...

Saturday, May 26, 2012


what comes around, goes around,
they say very nonchalantly.
nothing really matters in the end because,
in the end what was meant to be,
will always end up being.
destiny has it's chosen path
it may veer off on tangents now and then
but the final result always is the same,
i always credit destiny and fate with my life,
my semi-success'
my rise and fall
my goods and bads,
everything in general, to destiny.
it put me on this earth for a reason,
that reason can't just be some whore forgot to wire hanger out her pussy...
there must, must MUST be a reason i was put on this planet,
and i'm so easy to see the little things as major triumphs,
but in reality there has to be a meaning.

and so, today, i saw in someone else, a dear friend who,
coulda-shoulda-woulda been an academy award winning actor,
take reins of his destiny and create flawlessly
something very beautiful.
for all the success he almost had he has taken, honed and created
his own brand of genius.
it made me smile to see that maybe it's not what he dreamed,
but in the end, its everything he ever imagined.
not where he would have been if...
but in a better pace, just cause thats how it should have been, and is.

this may seem cryptic,
but in the end
it's not.
you all have seen, you all know,
exactly what i am talking about.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

call me

you texted me that things weren't right,
i called you twice
the other night.
i got the email that you sent,
my phone didn't ring,
so to the computer i went.
i called again,
again, no answer.
i'd like to know what's the disaster.
so i emailed back,
and now i wait.
how can i detour your fate?
call me please,
at anytime.
i do nothing anyway,
so midnight's fine.
but i'd like to know,
i need to hear,
that you're ok.
my dear?

( New Song 2011 )

David Guetta Feat. Sia - Titanium

today was one of those bed to couch days.
even though i had a shitload of things to do,
i just couldn't do em.

horizon seems clear.
things are becoming less hazy,
more focused.
i am titanium.

Monday, May 21, 2012


begin at the beginning.
start fresh,
sleep well and eat right,
be ready to create,
and focus.

start in 10
going global.
where do you start?
how do you start.
why do you start again and again?
it’s all a place,
ingrained deep within.
it’s a spark that ignites a fire that becomes a catastrophe,
or rather in this case,
a inferno that reaches up and out.
into the minds,
souls and memories of the masses.
life starts now,
if no one knows you how do you exist?
if as an artist,
no one sees your work,
who are you reaching?
where is your message being seen?
how are you influencing the children?
the children are fed.
the feast has begun,
but now, it’s to reach out, expand, take over.

internet porn


it's just gross what is out in the internet.
why was i looking at it in the first place you ask?
i was doing research.
this is my job, i'm sorry if it offends you,
but really,
on the internet?!


higher than a mutherfucker...
i'm still stuck on nicki.
twinkle twinkle little star...

sending the book out in full layout.
october relase date.

im scared.
scared? no, frightened.
freaking out.
yea, thats it.
as i anticipate the next few months,
i understand i must be clear, intelligent, and wise.
no more thinking the old way.
it's time to do it the right way.

not higher than a mutherfucker.

starships were meant to fly,
enter, and touch the sky.
not barrel down the runway in flames.

time is right.
time is now.

i am titanium.
u shoot me down...
but i aint going down.
i am titanium.

i love it.

Nicki Minaj

i love nicki minaj.
i love everything about her.
her hopes, her dreams, her lyrics, her look.
that look.
i live.
makes u feel the boom badoom boom bass
she makes me smile.
i love her on interviews.
i live for her, evry second of the day.
were meant to fly!

but super bass....
superbass is a song for the world.
everyone can relate.
in 100 years, u'll still be hearing it.

pain and misery

the dark days are done.
the clouds cleared,
the sunlight beams through the last haze that remain.
as i wake,
i yawn,
stretch, and sip coffee,
remembering how hideous i had once felt.
how i don't want to feel like that again,
without pain and misery,
can there be true happiness?
can you know greatness
without experiencing failure?
i hope i'm done experimenting.
i really do.

ADELE - Set Fire To The Rain - THE PEREZ BROTHERS Remix

Sunday, May 20, 2012


today, when i've had nothing to say,
i feel myself, inside, astray.
guilty pleasure pours from me
while writing so poetically,
it makes me seem,
it makes me feel,
it keeps me tight,
i'm made of steel.
so today with nothing more to say,
i say adu,
good day.

Set Fire To The Rain


and at the end of the day,
when he'd thought his work done,
when his breath seemed soft,
and his mind tranquil,
his body faded
it was at peace.

so i set fire to the rain,
and it burst into flames.

i am that man

i am that man.
or i've become him, anyway,
the fact is i had no idea this would be happening, yesterday,
my views of self perception seem,
to make me see i'm not so lean...
although i eat everything that i can see
is that whats made this pig of me?
i never tried
i never thought
i never knew
i always fought
the perception that i'd see of me,
was one of poise and dignity,
but i see now, i was misunderstood,
thinking all the time that i looked good!
today i did it,
that awful thing,
i sucked my gut in
so that the kids couldn't see,
my fat belly protruding over
no belt, so jeans i was tripping over,
my gut was huge
i couldn't let
them see the pig i am,
and then they'd get
that smirk, that glow
they could say about me,
"he's that big fat guy 
sucking in so i can't see,
his big fat belly, protruding oh so glamerously!"
i stopped,
i stammered,
i rose, then fell,
i had gone, no detours,
all the way to hell.
and there i was
a big fat pig...
his gut his thighs, his chins, his big
fat tremendous amounts of skin,
then i stood back,
where the hell had i just been?
i looked down,
took a breath,
threw my head back,
and then guesses,
i'd put on more
 than i needed to,
so now it's time,
get back in check,
cause presentation,
is where it's at.

chris raucci sighting-BEWARE!

what goes around comes around.
and around,
and around.

i thought i was finally over, past, and moved on
from my wicked evil, distrustful ex, chris raucci...
until i got a text today,
from a friend,
(who he cheated on me with)
just another lie...
nothing to really hate my friend over,
he's just an idiot...
but he said he ran into the young mr. unreliable.
apparently, nothing in his life has changed.
he's still living the high life
on someone else' drugs,
cheating, lying, stealing, and, well, breathing.
that's the one i can't deal with
is the breathing part.
i know i'm over him,
so why do i still wanna ring his neck whenever i think of him?
 if i didn't still care,
would i still have even feelings of hideous torture being committed on his lifeless soul?
maybe i'll just be greatful he's outta my life.
thank god.

and so, i know, i am, my own man.
with or without that mess!

 ugh, i hate him.

Friday, May 11, 2012


Nicki Minaj - Starships

it's the edge of 17 again for me.
the edge of the cliff that i feel ready to jump off
and fly high.
there's no turning back,
no looking back,
only forward and ahead...
there's no meaning to the word failure in my vocabulary.
there's not any more chances,
anymore trying,
anymore almost,
only one option i see,
and it's straight ahead in plain sight.
i can taste it.
i can touch it.
the universe has spiraled me up, down and all around so many times.
leaving me with a book of knowledge that is specific to me.
you have your own,
we all do.
so now it's the time,
the place,
the moment,
to make it happen.
no more "next time..."
theres this time,
this is it.

cause starships were meant to fly,
enter, and touch the sky
can't stop cause i'm so high...

midnight in the garden of good and evil

in the garden of good and evil.
i've been up all day,
didn't get a minute of sleep last night,
and now, after a two hour nap,
i feel once again rested.
but the daunting task of finishing my book
is not yet over.
the publisher isn't completely happy.
they like the hardcore images,
although not too hardcore...
the pictures i believe to be the most amazing
visually and artistically,
are to be edited out due to their violent nature.
shockingly enough,
germany has a law against such images...
the country that gave us the most horrifying crimes to humanity,
is the same one that now doesn't allow a photo of a man pissing,
or even a shot of a man playfully pretending to commit suicide.
that may sound interesting,
the playful suicide bit,
but in reality, the fact is,
artistic freedom and expression,
are being compromised.
there is nothing so hideously cruel or unusual in these images
that they should be excluded.
and if so, if they are edited out,
doesn't that mean that my freedom is being violated?
or is it just that i have been raised in a society
to think that i am above the law in such issues?
i don't think i'm crossing any lines,
no one was ever hurt when being photographed,
and the vision in my head was never to make light of violence,
instead, it was to show, in a world of men,
what different ones do to get off.

i once dated a new york city cop,
big hot blonde dude,
huge cock, thick, muscled, intimidating.
once, i was sucking him off, and trying my best to deepthroat him,
while he seduced me with his moans and coaxed my head down,
i felt secure and in love,
until in an instant,
he pulled out his cock and shoved in a pistol.
the cold metal of the gun and the situation i was now in,
presented me with the shocking conclussion my body had,
as i came instantly.
there were no bullets in the gun,
there was no real great fear,
but the excitement and exotic thrill,
sent me over the edge.
does that make me sick?
but it was an uncontrollable  force that i had nothing to do with.
my brain did that, and showed me that extremes can be erotic.

so, where does that leave me?
where do i start to disagree and discard the fear of my publisher?
how do i present my view and vision
without these images that i believe are so important to the book as a whole?
where do i take this and to what court?

                                                        if you never read this, do it now.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

nada, nooch, niente

 Khia - My Neck, My Back (Lick It) (uncensored/dirty)

is it just me or is it sometimes impossible to get fuckin' laid?
today i woke up boned outta my mind.
needed some ass, bad.
so, went on manhunt,
but nothing...
again, nada...
adam4adam, which i hate cause its way too fuckin' ghetto (only cause it's free)
of course i got hit up on by this fat old queen who was dying to get plowed..
which aint gonna happen, ever.
tried grindr,
no one, not even a hundred miles away i'd shove my cock into...
the problem with scruff is, it's mostly bears,
and being bears, they're lazy asses rarely check their mail or im's,
so again, nothing...
so, back to the good old reliable...
cam4 freaks me out cause i was on once with a dude i was fucking and a friend of mine typed on the sidebar
i fliped out.
icu is the worst now.
i hear queens r getting thrown off and one guy was even arrested for smoking crystal on cam
dumb ass.
i went to a cruisy area to look for some ass,
or at least a hot louth on y cock,
but nooch.
nothing man.
it's useless...
all i ask for is a warm mouth and a heartbeat...
is that too much to ask?
i mean, really.
if 10% of the world is supposed to be faggots,
then why's it so hard to find one to suck your cock in the middle of the day?
every guy i know who's gay is a old school style bro,
meaning, he'll suck your cock in the toilet of the restroom at mcdonalds if need be.
but i don't fuck my friends.
maybe that's why we're still friends.
i need ass!