rain

christmas morning 2011.
outside, there is no sunshine, no snow, only rain.
a cold, bitter rain that saturates the skin and goes directly to your bones.
there is no warmth, no nothing to comfort or console you,
the world feels empty, i feel alone.

this day which is supposed to be the most joyous
is one, so far, of bitterness.
it represents the past twelve months for me, perfectly,
as this past year has been one where no flowers bloomed,
no sun rose, and no hope was to be seen.
and this very day, which represents a year of almost the end of my life,
begins with no excuses or promises, and concludes with nothing more than emptiness.

last year, today, should have been my last,
as tomorrow is the day i got in my horrible car accident which i barely made it out of.
four broken ribs, a brain contusion and complete memory loss
was all i had to show for it, that, and a year of working hard to regain myself as i knew it.
friends have disappeared,
loved ones slipped away,
work abandoned me,
my career diminished.
in one year, time froze,
and life stopped.
there were no songs that could lift me, no movies that made me smile,
for i had reached the bottom, and had no strength to climb up.
the spiral downward took years, the slow climb up would take more.
i have yet to reach the first level, as my mind plays tricks on me and makes me think i am better.
but inside, my heart knows the truth.
there's no sunshine in the future, no warmth upon my shoulders,
no love in my heart.
in a world of seven billion people, i feel all alone.

the four walls i see
confine and shelter me from the world outside.
a world where people move, speak and love,
walk, reach and grow.
alas, it's a world i lost sight of, a world i once was a part of,
but a world i am not of courage to re-enter.
for there is also one thing to fear, myself.
i have crossed and burned many bridges,
destroyed many contacts and isolated many friends.
i have lost my faith in the kindness of others,
and emptied my heart of all dreams.
there is nothing left, but the sad lonely end
of an artist who once felt
he had nothing to fear,
yet fear is all that's left,
in a mind that's now cold,
and the winter is back,
and there's nothing left for me to hold.

if i close my eyes, i see nothing,
a terrible fate for a man who's vision was his passion,
his brain was his beauty, and his life was his dreams come true.
but they'll be no sunlight,
since i lost it, maybe,
they'll be no tears from inside
anymore, it's just empty
i've seen it all, and my vision now is hazy
i can't see ahead, i look back and it seems crazy.
for someday i wish to look up and see hope, maybe,
hope will appear and my life will come back and it will change me.
i had a dream once,
it was so beautiful.
i was on top of the world,
surrounded by friends and loved ones,
who supported and encouraged me.
my destiny had been fulfilled,
my visions had been met,
my hopes had been more than realized,
and i was a great man.
that dream has since died,
and the nightmares have taken over.

if i dig deep in my soul, i know, somewhere, i'll find
a solution to all the despair in my mind.
i know what i need
that's myself who will save me
from all of the years of self abuse i have given
all the tears i never shed,
all the wrong paths i took instead
of the clear open one, ahead,
my destiny just bled.
like an open wound it will heal,
with only love can i feel
i have something inside
and no more can i hide.
it's time to stop my ordeal,
confess, and reveal
that i'm stepping up and defying
all my words made for lying.
i have been given this chance
to begin and once again,
maybe dance in the light
of a moon covered night.
for this time i now know
what the emptiness holds,
and i don't want it, anymore.

this is my time, my moment, my place to shine,
take control and regain what i lost
all those years that i tossed.
i was give life, as a gift
and abused most of it.
but abuse no more, i will,
for i have time left still.
and this time the gift is acknowledged, accepted, and thanked.
i will change my life.
i will become the man i am supposed to be, again.

it's time to rebuild.