i was almost an abortion

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fuck You

Lily Allen (Lyrics)
do u get a little kick outta be slow minded? i did things the way i wanted, i never regret one second. so, if you don't like it. fuck you.

it's very very interesting to me, when i think back, way back, to the time when i was a young, sweet, innocent little boy...i'm talkin' way way way back in the day, before madonna was anything more than the mom of jesus, when mtv actually played music videos, and when michael jackson was still black...back in those days, i wandered the streets of albany new york, wishin' hopin' and prayin' to get the fuck out, start my life anew, move on up n outta the suburbs and onto the slick glittered streets of new york city!

wow. it seems so long ago, well, it was. and when i think back on the cute little italian boy who, was never really very innocent...i think, real hard, and try to pinpoint the exact moment when i truly lost my innocence. like, what exactly was the deciding second when it all changed. was it the time, when i was 14, at the public swimming pool when the 40something man followed me into the bathroom and offered me $50. to suck my dick? or was it a few seconds later, when i snatched the bill from his hand, hmmmm.could it be a few seconds later as i dropped my swimsuit in the last stall in the back of the bathroom and the guy got down n sucked me off?? OR, was it the following week, when i saw him again, and made arrangements with him to meet there once a week. i dunno, i think it could be two weeks later when i told the guy to tell his friends about me, which, in turn, led to my first "job" being the big dicked 14 year old boy that every pedophille in the tri-state area sucked off, and payed, $50 bucks a pop. oh, i don't know..there had to be something, probably, well, no obviously, way before even that experience, as most children, when approached by an old man in a restroom and asked to be sucked off for cash, would probably RUN. but no, not me. i saw a chance, and i grabbed it, and then found a way to control and manipulate it. lol, damn, i wish i could just see myself from 10 feet away at that time. always street smart, always looking for what's next, and always a playa. it kind of scares me...but just a little, because i also know that these very things i did that most consider outrageous, are also the things that helped create the monster i have become. each one of my insane moments adds up to the making of my E! True Hollywood story. i don't regret, i don't wish it hadn't happened, and i don't want to change it. no matter how nuts and even dangerous these things i did were, they also built up the strength inside to have the courage and drive to make me able to have the balls to do what i do, think the way i think, and maybe how i think n what i do some find crazy, but, i know, deep down, that every second counts, just a little, but when you add them all up, they are the very seconds, moments, and things that make you who you are. they stack up, and, individually, may be nothing, but when you have a bunch of them you see that, they tell a story, and the story is kinda sad, kinda funny, kinda insane, and kinda, well, mine.

i met someone the other day that, when i look at him, i see a reflection of who i was, and i wonder, should i warn him? tell him to run? or, should i just smile, take him by the hand, and let him see that, it's all just part of becoming who and what you will be. so, enjoy it. laugh as much as you can, and don't take yourself to seriously...

i like this boy.
he's so fuckin cute.

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