fear and loathing in nyc

is it fear or loathing that keeps me safely. securely satisfied with everything i don't want. as i look around, i can't make sense of some things that i used to take for granted. ho are we i wonder...
i know i'll never get an answer to that timeless question, but it sure would be nice to at least have some of the tension in my back and shoulders released just because i could relax, if even for a little.
as i search for a new home, i begin wondering why i have to settle. although theres everything i was and a new generation of it now, they have a more modern, dont care what the fuck kind of whimsical lyrical dont fuck with me i know better mentality.
but who are we, really.
who am i anyway i ask myself over and over again.
i had one career, sacrificed it for another, and now i'm sacrificing myself, my mind, my body, my soul, and my home...
i'm lost.
i want to wake up from this dream...
it's from my own valition though,
so, i guess i deserve the outcome i get.
but i do feel it,
i can hear it in the distance,
it speaks loudly in my ear at night,
whispering, and then shouting,
what the boy must do is make descisions that
for his whole life, he avoided.
theres no time left,
strike 2, bases loaded, and strike!
the cat's 9th life...
the final chapter in the epic novel that becomes a television "comedy" spin off, which then becomes a movie, which in turn becomes action figures, etc. etc., etc.
it's all too insane.
it's all too scary.
but,
it's here.
now is the time mr. oppedisano.
make the right choices.
everything before was a test.
everything from here on out
is the real deal.
and i'm afraid.
but i'm also invigorated.
having gotten rid of some ideas and rituals i go through upon returning to the city, now i can concentrate, search, climb, run, walk, kneel, and beg...for it to all come around and make me forgive myself for forgetting who i am, was, can be.
it's the finale.
teres somethng sad about it,
yet, it's a "comedy" with special guest stars Tony Danza and Mellissa Guilbert.
it's all too mde up for a fairytale ending...
the comeback kid.
the return,
everyone loves a good come-back story...

don't they?