come closer,
i can't hear you...
Sometimes when I speak to Buddy in our daily jibber-jabber language we have developed through the years, i'll say something that he recognizes ad his ears will perk up and he'll cock his head to the right, just a bit, which means he knows something is up, and he's wondering what...when he is confused about something, he lowers his head and with his hind paw will scratch behind his ear, i think, meaning, he can't quite figure it out...and is anxious. whenever i say "who's coming to see Buddy today?" he will no doubt look up and at me with a question in his eyes. he knows the words, and when i put them together like that, he knows that we are expecting a guest, so, he runs to the window and sits and waits...never fails.
i always know what's in his head, i always know when he's wondering, questioning, hungry, needs hugs or scratches, because in his eyes, he relates and expresses himself so clearly to me.
i wish everyone was so easy to read.
Today, in the rehab section of the hospital my father is at, i returned with my mother after my fathers lunch, and when we arrived, he was there in bed, asleep, arms crossed and on his back. soundly he lay, until my mother took her cane and smacked him with it, yelling "JOE!" and he pretended like he wasn't ever asleep at all. he tried to say something, but his mind, which is still quite sharp, was quicker than his mouth, and the words he searched for couldn't be found quick enough...so a sound of frustrated thought was
heard echoing through the halls of the ward. for a quick second i jumped up to try and help him, but my heart broke when i realized i couldn't, and so i just closed my eyes.
As much as i need to, i know i shouldn't just close my eyes, but i don't know what else i can do, although i do realize, that it's now or it's never and there is no reprise. i need to be strong. i need to be smart. i need to be wise, and not think with my heart. this is it. not much time. i don't have forever, this is right now...so be clever, don't fuck up...
not this time.
not this time.
not this time.
not this time.
notthis time.
notthis time.
not this time.
I need to be on top of my game. this isn't a joke, it's important. stay on track. don't look back. look ahead. be focused. be true.
be honest. and smile.
love your life.
all photos from illustrator Fran Kramer's personal collection.
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