a cautionary tale

i can't sleep,
i guess the three cups of espresso i drank at midnight
made the idea of a good nights sleep
just something that
other people do.

other people.
hmmm,
other people are funny.
they like to speak lies and paint pictures of themselves that
make them seem pretty.
pretty to whom, i don't know,
but pretty in their minds
as opposed to the sick fuckers they really are inside.
one of the sickest fuckers i've come across in recent years is my last ex.
this kid was one of the top 10 psychos
as well as one of the top 3 bottoms
i ever met.
he would swallow my cock in his ass faster than he'd tell me he loved me.
but tell me he loved me he did,
all too often,
and with just as much disdain in his face as he could muster.

the thing that finally ended it between us was him getting caught
in one of his typical lies,
and me,
after smoking two eight balls of crystal,
having had enough of it.
his asshole was great,
but his lies weren't.
he had told me that he wanted to be monogomous.
i think his idea of monogomy is that he gets fucked by only
one man at a time,
while the line of other men wraps around the block.

i had bought him a train ticket to come visit me while i was living upstate.
he called me a half hour before the train departed to say he was stuck in traffic,
so i told him to wait for the next train, or take a bus.
two legitimate options.
instead, i heard nothing more from him for three days.
his mother called me crying saying she hadn't heard from him in three days,
for a second, i got worried.
then, like clockwork,
three days later,
the phone rings.
"daddy?" he said"i fell asleep on the train, and when i woke up, i was in Baltimore"
i laughed hysterically because i think i actually made up that very lie
twenty years earlier.
(mind you, this boy was only 25 at the time)
i asked why he didn't call when he realized he was in Baltimore,
and the lie got deeper.
apparently, he went to call me, and take a picture of the Baltimore train station
as proof...BUT, his camera, which was on his phone,
fell out of his hand into a puddle,
rendering it useless.

whatever actually, by that time i was so through with this boy that it didn't even matter,
except that he cried and begged me to believe him, and so,
out of the goodness of my heart, and the hardon in my jeans,
i forgave him.
until, as fate would have it, i was walking up 8th avenue one week later,
and ran into one of my crystal dealers who,
out of nowhere,
told me he did me a favor last week, and took care of my boy.
what?! was my response, assuming he meant my ex i knew him through.
but alas, no...it was indeed the boy i had just forgiven,
the same boy who after he called me with the story about being stuck in traffic,
called this dealer, crying, saying we had gotten in a bad fight,
and so, he went to the dealers house,
got fucked up, and gang fucked,
by a bunch of guys at the dealers house.

i thanked my dealer, not letting him know this was the first time i was hearing about this,
and went on my way, but as soon as i turned the corner, i called chris (raucci, btw)
and told him i was well aware of his game,
it was finished,
and he was tossed out of any good grace he had with me.
and all for what?
to make me not know he was a whore?
did he think i was stupid?
or was it just that my cock was so big, it blocked any thought process to my brain.
or his asshole was so stretched,
it made the sound of his lies echo into something that sounded pretty.
either way, any good feelings i ever had about him were completely shot,
and i still continue to tell people the cautionary story of him
as a reminder to myself that sometimes even i can be fooled.
fool me once, i'm an idiot, fool me twice, i doubt it.




funny thing is, i ran into chris last week, maybe why he and his story are on my mind.
i saw him waking up 8th avenue as i was walking down, we crossed paths,
but he didn't see me...
when i saw his face wisk by me, i laughed, and turned around and followed him
grabbed his hoodie, which choked him and made him fall backwards.
it was poetic justice to see him fall almost exactly in the same spot where i saw the dealer
two years earlier...and i laughed as he shuffled to get himself off the pavement,
it was then that he started screaming at me,
saying i was an asshole.
and how i ruined his life.
funny, it was that all the things i had said or written about him
had all gotten back to him,
and he was now considered a leper in the gay community.
funny wasn't it?
but the greatest revenge i got from that night was seeing him sitting in a restaurant two hours later, crying to somebody...so i did the right thing, made sure he saw me one more time, laughing.
not with him, but at him.

the pretty ones never look as pretty in bright lights,
their luster fades
and they dim into oblivion.
remember that next time you find yourself getting deceived by someone and their pretty stories
about how wonderful they are.
pretty fades, but disgusting lasts forever.


chris raucci,
at his parents house,
in leonia new jersey

the first day i met him,
i gave him a haircut before we started shooting,
and he, withing minutes of us meeting,
was grabbing my crotch and begging me to fuck him...
i shoulda known, huh?

what an asshole...

enough about me, let's talk about you...do u like my new blog?

joeoppedisano.com

here's some background.
i've been a mess for years,
as many as i can remember.
those i can't remember i don't remember because i was a mess during them.
i was a hugely successful fashion editor at 20,
worked dressing Ricky Martin on tour by the time i  was 29,
had a nervous breakdown at 30,
picked up a camera
started shooting,
had my first billboard campaign 6 months later,
my first book, Testosterone (one of the biggest selling gay erotic books of all time)
by the time i was 36,
my second book, Uncensored at 40,
and was a crystal meth addict the entire time.
how?
i don't know,
but am now kinda clean,
am working on my third book (titled j/o) as i type,
and am starting my own production company and porn studio
which will also be called j/o
now.
it's been a rollercoaster,
but i don't want to get off.
i hope you enjoy the stories, visuals, and the soundtrack.
it's all me,
it's all real,
and it's all over the top.
but then again,
that's me.
i hide nothing
because i don't care what you think...
except to wonder why you don't respect me more
for being the person i always said i was,

me.






here we go...

i was almost an abortion

none of this should have happened anyway, i mean, i was never supposed to live.

i was supposed to have been an abortion. in a way i could call myself the victim of a horrible beginning, in another way a savior for the future. i guess it's all in how you look at it. any situation can be considered disasterous, but maybe the bad thing that happened, helped create an opportunity that couldn't have been possible any other way. and so, now i look at everything i've encountered in this existance that never shoulda been, as nothing more than a gift. a gift i maybe take for granted, sometimes, but a gift neverless. there is one reason i know i had to be saved, and it's because i was supposed to be. i am here now because i had to be, otherwise, the world wouldn't be the sickly beautiful place it is.

i say i was never supposed to be because, it's true. i was not created out of love, but instead, lust. and so i wasn't a planned or anticipated thing. vi instead was something that exposed and destroyed my birth parents, and i was born as an example of what filthy lust would produce. my existence, although not anticipated, was necessary, because i was meant to be.

this isn't a religious story, nor one for the right to life, but the story of how when you think you should never have lived, you don't care enough to think that if it was all is taken away, it would be missed. and how if it would never have been missed, it didn't care if itself was gone. this carelessness in ones mind about themselves makes it nearly impossible to teach it good from bad, right from wrong, and so, it does as it likes and becomes it's own thing. something different than the rest, because the rest were meant to be, because they create a sense of normalcy.

there is nothing normal here.

only a ticking time bomb of something that was never supposed to be. and because it's here, and alive, it will change the world as you expect it to be.

because it doesn't care. or maybe it cares a little bit more.

here goes...

about 45 years ago, my uncle had an affair. he was married and already had three children, but because he is a man, much like me, who can't seem to keep it in his pants, he did as he wanted, and in the heat of passion spawned a child. the child was meant to be aborted before anyone knew anything about it, but my grandmother heard a rumor about her son, and when questioned, he broke down and admitted his mistake. my grandmother, a very strong minded woman told him that in no way would this child be aborted, but instead, she intended to know this child, and raise it in her family, because this was her grandchild, and he it would not be killed because of her sons mistakes. instead, he would be a symbol for the rest of his life to remind him of his stupidity. my uncles brother, Joe, and his wife, had been trying desperately to have a kid for eight years with nothing to show for it but eight miscarriages. this child, my grandmother thought, would have a better chance if raised by Joe, and so, the day the baby was born, he was adopted by Joe and his wife, who loved and adored this child in close proximity to the disgraced eye of his uncle. this child would remind his uncle forever, of his ultimate betrayal and failure.

i was that very child who was born out of wedlock, was supposed to have never been, into the disgrace and shame of one man, and the adoration and love of another, his brother.

it all seems very soap opera, but i guess it was just how it was supposed to be. this is the true basis of my existence. the way things happened for this coulda been abortion. it's the story of how a small town boy developed himself and his skills to become the crazy mess he was supposed to be. how he overcame and accepted his fate as the almost aborted... and how he would set out to prove his necessity to himself and the world.

everything happens for a reason...

better run better run, faster than my bullet.