i can't seem to stop my head. it ticks n tocks like a 50's bird popping out wall clock. shame on me, to want, know and feel, the unbelievableness in my mind. what i want is what i see, what i see i want to make 3D, what's 3D must be high def and digital dolby surround sound. it must move, taste and feel like something you've never felt, like satin to the touch, yet thorned, like a rose. my mind is playing tricks on me because it's something that i must see. a show of ever-lasting dreams hooked up in stereo and surround sound, to the disco ball and gay clientele. a magical mystery one must see, to really, truly, be believed. a fantasy of erotic bliss started merely just by one kiss. i want to make you stop to see, the things i see inside my dreams. and when you watch, ask yourself, what's he crazy? or just you, yourself, has had a vision, one that will take enormous effort, and all i stake, shall be determined by one thing, the test of truth on him, on me. we'll see.
i started the gym this week. fuckin A. i forgot about all the years of hideous hours i had put in in the past to achieve the exquisite body i had once had. ugh it's all gone now, but one day, and one day soon, i'll be back in fighting form.
i've been sick for a week, sober, and bored. time to get started. what did i say last week? the time is here, it's come, and i aint wasting anymore time, nope. i'm only getting started... i won't back down.
so, i was almost an abortion.
which means, i almost was never here.
which means i never would have seen, done, heard, felt or experienced
anything i have.
which means i never would have given anything back,
which means i never would have left any marks,
which means you would never have noticed,
which means i never would have been able to have touched you,
which means you would never have missed me.
but instead, i was born,
and made a mess of everything.
in my stomach i can feel it...
it's a grumbling
not a noise, but a feeling.
everything's coming together,
into place, and all that's left is the actual thing itself.
i think i know how it will play out,
but my head is second guessing
certain situations,
and how they might play out,
and how i'll handle them.
it's tough having to take control,
although for me, its second nature.
is it a grumbling or is it nerves?
i'll just stop myself now,
and call it a nervous grumble.
a long time ago
in a land not so far away,
i look at my life
and pray for better days.
it's not that i'm unlucky,
it's not that i need more,
it's just i find myself again
locked behind this door.
i've tried to get out many times
i've tried to break out,
it's just my mind plays tricks on me,
and i don't know what that's about.
i'll take two steps forward.
and then take three steps back,
that's when the tricks in my mind
stand up and then attack.
i know deep down, i'm lucky,
i know i've got my friends,
i know i've lived 9 lives because
i'm still alive,
but then,
i wonder why i still have to try
to keep one step ahead.
i've made my mark,
i've walked my path
i've done it and lived with the aftermath
of what i've done,
and where i've been,
and still i'm here
at step one,
and ready to begin.
again.
i'm bringing sexy back, them other boys just don't know how to act
so i dove in, deep. no looking back, in full force, it's time. i had to say it aloud, now there's no turning back.
as soon as i finished that post, i knew it was final. the vision in my head's been to strong. too lifelike. to deny it would be to deny destiny's child from being born. like an abortion... but the child was let to live... like me. the bastard lives. and because he knows what his fate could have been, he will struggle and do his best to outshine, and overshadow the rest.
as i told a friend last night, this revelation will hopefully be the death of others. and you know who i'm talkin about... i want Michael Lucas, personally, to drop dead when he see's it. lifeless is how he'll finally look best. lifeless he will have nothing more to say, nothing evil to think, nothing manipulative to do. he'll just be a bad memory of days past.
he's already trembling at the idea that Cocky Boys is coming for him. the last shoot i did with them, we used a new model that he had used once before. he desperatly was on the phone trying to seduce the guy to not do our film, offering him $5,000. to not do the scene we already booked him and flew him in for. Michael put out a statement saying we were stealing his boys. really Michael?? the guy, when he saw the way he was being played canceled any further interaction with Miss Lucas... probably destroying thousands of dollars of plastic surgery when his face dropped. has the time come when everything i always said is being exposed Mister Lucas? all the games are over baby.. it's the dawn of a new era, and your washed up.
it's over honey... pack it up. your time is done. don't make a fool of yourself, anymore. just close the door when you walk out... and don't fall when it slams you in the ass.
seven days have already been deleted from 2012, and i will not waste one more of them.
procrastination has always been a friend of mine, but this year, i'm saying goodbye and starting tomorrow, shutting the door on it. the time is now, the moment is here, the clock is ticking...
there's something i need to do. something i've been putting off for a long time...
see, i had this idea a few years back, and i can't get it out of my head, still.
here's the thing, i have done many things in my life that some would consider, hmmm....questionable? some good, some bad, lots more bad, and a little more good thrown in, from fashion editor/stylist for L'Uomo Vogue to photographer of erotic men, was an escort for almost 20 years, did a few porns, and was a drug addict to where i am now. i have seen maybe too much, but loved every second of my twisting ride, worked with the very best from every industry, and learned a lot more from them all. so where do i go now? this can't be the end...as my mind races and my creativity spins out of control in an A.D.D. pace. i have become something odd in this world, because i can do so many things, but can't seem to focus long enough to start or finish any one of them...
so i've had this idea (see how off track i can get).
in the world we live in, there are few things that have as much love/hate attached to it than porn. people are shocked when you do it, yet love it, and watch it over and over...but what i see, i don't get. it rarely excites me, and for the most part, bores me. when i watch porn with friends or tricks, they always end up yelling at me because all i do is complain about the styling of the clothes or the lighting. i watch it, and all i see is my friends having sex, which makes it not very "hot" for me. i want to see something else. in my head, i can envision it, and it's something quite unconventional, as it's not really porn...it's more extreme than sexual encounters, and it turns you on in the same moment it freaks you out.
it's slick and glossy in the style of Italian Vogue, yet it has the sense of humor and realness of BUTT magazine. it's at both ends of the spectrum from home made to professional high def. but it keeps you looking, guessing, and hopefully hard.
my images have that sense, i think...and so, i am hoping they will translate into film.
so, look out, beware, it's coming...don't hate me if it takes a little longer than you'd think, remember i'm A.D.D. and my attention gets diverted easily...but what i have in my head i can't keep inside any longer...so there. i've said it aloud...i'm going to change porn!
this post goes out to all my 40-something friends out there
who think they know it all about these kids today,
and feel like they are too good or too wise to be hangin' with the children...
well, let me tell ya something...
there was a time, not too long ago
(before Whitney (or me...) were crackheads)
when you were a wide eyed cutie who made mistakes and fucked up sometimes.
remember that?
there was a day when you couldn't afford Prada, so you wore Gap,
there was a day when you went out every night,
did drugs or drank too much,
made a fool of yourself,
and/or were just a stupid kid.
we were all there,
we were ALL there.
i was lucky enough to have met a guy named Charlie. now, Charlie was about 45, total daddy... but he was also an ex-priest who, if the good Lord knew what he was up to would be turning over on his cross... but Charlie saved my life. he was the only one who i could tell anything to, he'd tell me if i was being stupid, push my limits when needed and transformed me from a boy to a man. he was amazing sex, but he understood that sex was where it ended, because at 20 something, i was in no place to be settled down. i just needed guidance.
one year, Gay Pride weekend, my doorbell rang, and it was Charlie. i buzzed him up, and in he walks with a buddy of his, a drop dead daddy, probably 50, salt n pepper hair and a rock hard body... and from what i saw immediately in his jeans, a cock that hung to his knees...
Charlie's only words to me were "happy Gay Pride boy!" and he and his buddy stripped down, and had me drop and drain them, passing me around like the hungry little fuck i was. he told me how to service his buddy, made me eat his ass, and watched his bud fuck me... now, seriously...WHAT MORE would a boy want? he treated me with respect, taught me the ropes, and guided me to be a man. taught me jealousy has no place in this kind of relationship, helped me find a boyfriend that mattered, and helped me weed out the losers. and for these reasons, he and i are still great friends. we fuck when we see each other, and he will still call me once in a while if a buddy of his he thinks i'd like is in town.
what's so bad about that?
it's a win win situation. and, you get the chance to help these boys learn right from wrong, cause remember, it's tough out there... especially now. so, just a suggestion, when you see one of these boys you think is nothing more than a stupid go-go boy, approach him. if he's too stupid to think you're too old, than it's his problem, and he probably i nothing more than a stupid go-go boy... but if he responds, give him a reach out, talk to him, it doesn't have to be sex, could just be a new buddy who helps you meet his hot friends... either way, give em a chance. the boys i shoot have become special to me. i love watching them grow up, go to their first circut party, become men, become club celebrities...and just become men.
they said "it's too glossy",
then they whined "it's too flat"
then they said "it's been done before"
and "i hate the model"
or "it's too retouched"
or maybe "i liked it better before"
or "he's so tired!"
really girl?
on your best day you'll never even have what i posses in my pinkey finger.
so shut the fuck up,
and go babble on about something else.
people love to talk,
complain,
bitch.
it makes them feel better because they know, deep down,
they aint nada...
nooch!
niente!
people who try and bring you down for no reason at all are lame cunts
with nothing else to do,
no place to go,
nothing to achieve,
because there's nothing there to begin with.
so let them talk.
let them bitch,
let them say what they want,
because the truth is there for everyone to see.
the truth does not need to speak loudly,
because even when wispered, it's heard.
it may have been done before,
but not with the twist you put on it.
let em laugh
let em talk
let em gag
let em balk,
it matters not in the real world,
the truth is known...
trust me.
today ticked by and i got nothing done.
tick tock.
i tried to do stuff,
but my mind was elsewhere,
and i couldn't concentrate.
i was living today in a fantasy land where my life is tweaked by illusions
of what and how i would fantasize it to be.
twisted and crazy,
it would be a world where everyone was happy,
everyone was naked,
and fucking...
i joined some new swingers website a buddy told me about.
not that i would go near a pussy within 50 feet,
but the guys on there are interesting enough to jerk off with on skype,
and being that they are all swingers,
the chances they are exhibitionists is high.
funny thing is,
mostly everyone on the site is a man...
does that mean that women swingers are more shy
or that only gay men go on these sites
pretending to be straight swingers?
either way...
so, here's what i did today,
i created a wallpaper for you to download and use on your computer...
see what boredom does.
just click it, save it, and use it.
it can also be printed and used as book covers or wrapping paper.
don't say i never did anything for you.
lol
xo
joe
