welcome back

                                         And just like that...

in the wink of an eye all my worries and sorrows disappeared, and I found myself somehow, more confident than before but maybe, just maybe, this time would be for real, and the past would be kept as just a distant, semi-fond memory in my ever scattered mind. All the things I always feared, the things that made me cower in daylight always feeling like a fraud and never having security in a mess of a life, but again, that's behind me. what's in front of me I still have yet too find.

who I am turning out to be is a guy I never imagined I could be. I guess I always considered myself a good guy, never really did any harm, but when you're 6 and you know you like boys, you learn to hide and not be the thing you've heard about, and never be the true you! never, no! except somebodies hair dresser! but then again, never good. so when you're hiding as a kid, it tells you try every trick in the book to maybe cast an illusion of doubt in their still not so well informed minds. and I couldn't butch it up, I didn't know how. be a man!? how those words used to torture me! because I was not the butchest queen you've ever seen, I was a lisping effeminate, sissy boy, and I was very much very obviously gay. even though my aunt Margaret profess, she had no idea!

anyway, and now, now I'm the man I've been self groomed to be, with the guidance and mentoring of the man that I love, who has taught me how to relax, be taken serious, and how to restart my life, with self worth and pride. All the things I've seen, are all my ghosts who I live with every day...but they are MY PAST, and now mi'm a different guy than I was before. I'm still the same, but I've grown up and taken a long hard look at where I was going and who I was then, and now I look forward.  I guess it's my own private form of ptsd. I get flashbacks and chills up my spine, but these days the shock doesn't last as long as it used to and it doesn't really fuck me up as it did. it did a few weeks ago, my boyfriend thought I was having a stroke...but no. 

I was fine.

I'll be fine.

I am fine.

and I am happy to be back.