Things aren't always what they seem.

I may look confident, secure, at ease, relaxed...but how you see me is exactly the opposite of the real me.

I just started training to be a tech in the ICU and am learning things I never thought I'd want to know, but I'm doing it and feeling nervous and anxious as I fumble through my skills. I know I can do it, I know I'll be good, but my stomach right now trembles as I sit in class and my mind tricks me into feeling like I can't do it, and it scares me and it makes me sick to my stomach.

But the reality of it is that I already did a job very similar to this and I was great at it and I impressed everyone, so why am I so skittish about this?

I think it's because for the first time since I was homeless, I see that maybe there is a grand prize. One of hope and success, and I guess it's hard for me to understand that maybe I'm out of the hole I dug for myself long ago, and maybe, hey, not maybe, really, I'm in a good place in life. I am not a drug addict, I have a job, which I like and a new one that I'm sure I'll be good at., I have a great man, the best relationship[p I've ever had, I have the most beautiful good boy of a dog who I love with all my heart, my moms good, all is goods...and I guess looking at it like that makes me see that I can now maybe finally relax...

PART 2

it came quite clearly, but I was stoned and forgot what I was thinking.

I need to be positive, I need to be strong.

I talk about all the bullshit I've been through, well, ok, that's good, but its over now, and you are definitely not the man you used to be.

you are a good man, like it or not.

people like me, I'm compassionate, I'm empathetic and I'm smart.

I can do this job.

I will be great, in fact.

I just need to realize what an amazing man I am...

but I should know it because my man wouldn't pick a piece of shit of a guy so...

He has made my life so great, I cannot even explain.

best friend I ever had, and an asshole that holds me in a mesmerizing stare...

I am lucky.