UNOADED

and it is now,
officially,
2:14am.
after an entire day doing, actually, nothing,
i finally am able to stop the insanity of trying to cum,
jerking off for endlesss hours upon hours,
doing things,
saying, watching and pretending to be interested in,
turned on by,
and ready to cum at the idea of,
any of that crap.
i came.
it took 3 minutes,
alone,
no vids, cams, websites, pics or vids.
just me,
alone
stroking
nothing around to bother
disturb
or distract me.
my load,
the very load that took over 27 hours to dispense,
is at rest
on the floor of my bedroon,
picked up, kind of,
by the t-shirt i wore today.

it's all done,
all gone,
all out...
i'm headed to bed.

one more time

think think think...
that's all i do is think.
rework,
revise,
re-do...
that's all i do is re-do.
try this,
try that,
once more,
now in black,
try it moved over
1/4 inch,
then back again,
i won't rest in peace!
again and again
just one more time,
i swear that this time,
will be the last time!
then that time comes and then.once more,
shall i say,
it's almost perfect!
if we move it,
that way.

nothing changes

as much as you want
to make everyone happy,
you can't get a smile
from everyone,
all the time.
people see things
and don't always get it,
they look at the picture,
but don't see the whole frame.
you tell them to step back,
and try and see the whole thing,
for what it stands for,
and what it really means.
but most people have vision
that is short sighted
and blurred
by the fact that their lives,
have had nothing for them to have reference to,
or imagination to,
let the visuals come into focus.

it's sad when you see,
what was once meant to be
watered down
just because
someone with authority
has no sense of imagination or vision.

unfortunatly,
this is how the world is run...
give the idiots a high power job,
let them make the discisions for the rest of us,
for that way,
nothing will move forward,
everything will stay the same,
nothing will change.

ugh

ugh.
what a week.
oh, it's only monday.
doesn't matter to someone who works from home and cannot separate work and home life.
it's a wonderful life
if you can get past the fact that
you never have time to yourself,
really.
whenever i have "free" time,
i wind up retouching a photo,
making phone calls to get more work, press, shit going.
theres really no time to just sit and enjoy,
but if i don't do these things,
there will be nothing to really enjoy.
it's non-stop,
hectic,
exhausting.
yet, at the same time,
invigorating.
there's nothhing i'd rather be doing,
there's nowhere i need to go,
nowhere i'd rather be.
this is my life,
and it works,
sometimes...

Relax

the more i talk,
the more i see,
the more i see,
the more i realize just what needs to hapen,
almost in steps.
the clarity of the finished product comes into sharp focus,
little by little,
one by one,
bit by bit,
piece by piece,
it all starts to make sense.
once every detail is thought,
rethought
reexamined, readjusted,
reworked and replayed,
it creates a sense of relief
and relaxation that,
when the time comes,
it will all play out,
and translate on film,
all the thoughts and rethoughts
i've had.
each time i tell the story of what i am seeing,
a new detail,
even the most minor,
the ones that end up looking natural,
unthought out,
and organic,
fall into place,
flow evenly and easily from my tounge,
naturally and simply.
there is nothing to question
for, in the end....
it's already been examined,
executed
and exhausted.

it'll all be fine.
and i know now,
i can relax.


 shot for the HOUSE of FIELD
by the one and only, David Dalrymple
with supermodel, legend, superstar,
CONNIE







 

Take Care

i know you've been hurt by someone else,
i can tell by the way you
carry yourself.
if you let me,
here's what i'll do
i'll take care of you.




i've loved and i've lost...



you've seen all my mistakes,
they were not hidden so well, were they?
i never covered them up,
well,
not so good anyway.
i've tried,
i always try,
and in the end,
doesn't the good outweigh the bad?
didn't my heartfelt, sincere honest ways,
make any difference?


didn't they?


doesn't the fact that i'm standing here,
right now,
with nothing to hide,
nothing to gain,
and everything to lose...
doesn't that mean anything?



so if you let me,
here's what i'll do,
i'll stop the insanity,
start myself over,
believe in myself,
have trust in your love,
have faith in your kindness,
and have strength and conviction
to make things right for us,
always,
and i promise you this,
i'll take care of you.

u needed me

the clock is ticking
the ticks and tocks get louder by the minute.
the cook-oo
sounds louder than a train wreck,
it's deafening.
i know my time is almost up,
i understand i overstood my stay,
but i didn't think that it had gotten so bad,
made you so upset,
effected you this way...
had i,
i would have bowed out a long time ago.
cause the truth is,
it's not that easy for me either.
just cause i got it together n look so good,
doesn't mean that deep inside,
i aint trippin'
ok?
but i know now what i have to do,
i'll make my exit now,
or rather, very soon.
and then, once i'm gone,
you'll have time enough alone,
without anyone,
to make you see that,
in fact....

you needed me.

kids these days

serves you right queen...
i asked u once,y simple,
and thats all i shoulda had to do.
u know i have my reasons,
and they are justified, tried and true...
i wouldnt ask u to do something for no reason....
it all makes sense,
it's all very simple,

and it all would have been so much easier had you just listened to me in the first place.


kids these days...
they dont want to pick up a phone,
make a 2 second call to make things sit right,
confirm details,
and make life easy...
no...
the need to text everything on their i-phones...
simple directions,
meeting times,
etc.,
get tangled in endless texts
making a 2 second question
turn into a 3 hour dilena...
all i did was ask you to call me
hear your response in your own voice...

know you were serious about our meeting...
and you woulda had daddy's big fat cock in you now..

oh well.
now u know.









don't say i didnt warn you...
stupid girl

my way

just when i thought
that i'd said too much,
and i'd insulted and been mean
and bitched and complained,
when my mouth overtook me,
my brain started racing,
my voice became irate
as the words got nasty,
my tone was obnoxious,
and my gestures were grand...
but when i stopped,
just for a moment,
and thought,
joe, you've done it again...
you've gone too far,
and i waited, patiently for a response.

i waited and waited,
thinking to myself that i'd ruined a good thing,
destroyed any chance,
crushed any hope,
snuffed out any way possible
that i'd ever hear back
anything good,
any kind words,
anything positive...

and when i had just about given up,
lowered my head,
accept defeat
and chalked one more fuck-up to my stupidity,
kicked myself in the butt,
and thought i'd just about die,
the phone rang...

and it was the opposite.
by standing up for myself,
asserting my beliefs,
and taking my stand,
i made them realize
that i'm not one to be told what to do,
how to do it,
and my strength made them see,
that i know what i'm doing,
know who i am,
understand my worth,
and asserted my strength.
and they gave in.
gave me more than i wanted,
more than i dreamed,
more than i hoped for,
and it made me see,
that from now on,
it's my way
or nothing at all,
for my mind is a sharp tool
and it wicked and bright,
it towers above others
who think they have sight.
it's light years ahead
of what others can see,
it's leaps and bounds beyond ones
who question their dreams.
it's what i do best,
so just let it be,
trust me,
i'll do it,
and you'll believe when you see
that it's genious,
it's new,
it's different,
it's real,
because deep down i know
that i trust what i say,
respect myself,
and will do it
no other way.

next time

after the fallout,
the earth seemed eerily quite.
no background noise,
no city traffic,
children playing,
even white noise was silenced.
the earth stood still for some time
as the wounded bled out the past and regenerated their vitality from deep within.
although the wreckage seemed devestating,
it actually wasn't so bad.
he just stopped for the time being
and let all of the bad soak in,
and in so, learned from his mistake.
next time he would know better.
next time it wouldn't go so far.
next time...
if there was a next time.
maybe that was the lesson he was supposed to learn...
there shouldn't be a next time.

but then again....
he did know himself.

Gypsy

ya get what u give

it never fails

u give 100%,

u get 10 back

you give everything, trying to prove ur worth,

prove that the client cant live without u,

but then,

they become monsters in front of your very eyes.

2 days ago i get a call,

completely out of the blue, from a german, of all things

germans are notorious for being strict, want it all, monsters

in my eyes anyway

this guy is in town,

LOVES my work,

wants me to shoot an event he was having today

ok, sounds good

i show up at the hotel

camera, lights, everything in tow

when i get there, a hot boy answers the door

hello

hello

oh, u must be the photographer

yes

oh he says

oh? i say

theres a little drama, can i bring u to another room?

sure i say

so we go to another oom, same hotel, 3 other hot boys are there

all is in question

why am i even here?

it turns out the client had herself a nervous breaakdown THEN AND THERE

and threw all of these gorgeous escorts he had hired,

and i was supposed to shoot

out of his hotel room

saying they had stolen his identity,

reported him to the police,

AND called CNN, an told them he was on drugs and having sex with teenagers in the hotel room

if theres ever a time to do a OMG, this is it

what the FUCK?

have u gone nuts?

so there i am,

wondering what to do,

bunch of hot NYC escorts, half hard n naked,

waiting for me

OMG?

well, im a trooper, so i pulled out my camera,

got them in different states of dress and undress,

and shot

some incredibly hot images

great, sweet, nice, appreciative boys who gave me 100%,

and never met the client, ever

he stayed in his room pouting, screaming, carrying on until

UNTIL

security came and threw us all out of the hotel

can u imagine?

so that was my day

unbelieveable as it ay sound,

all tre,

all insane,

all fun

my life is insane

other insane, fun, happy memories of days gone by

i just realized, in googling myself,

that i am seeing my biography unfold,

in a candid, uncanny way

what gets noticed,

what people see,

amounts to,

who n what i am

scary

back to the gypsy that i was

facts of life

you take the good,

you take the bad,

you take them both,

and there you have,

the facts of life...

god, it was always so simple,

yet it took me years to unravel the mysteries before me.

the ones i already had been given the solutions to,

and the ones that really made no sense of why i needed them anyway,

except to confuse and distract me,

and cause me heartburn and indigestion.

all of the nights i sat up worried,

thinking,

confused,

nervous,

and for what?

for nothing,

except to help form me into the freak i am today.

catholic guilt lives on hard n long in me.

through the trials and tribulations of a gay man in NYC,

i have compiled and compressed everything from friends and magazines to hair clippings and swatches.

filtered out the unuseable or normal ones,

descifered and decoded the interesting ones,

regergitated and renewed the best ones,

so that they will live on, even in a world that doesnt need or want them.

it's a long strange road we all take,\and each step of every path is differnt,

no two are alike.

some hard,

some easy,

some uphill,

some down,

some insane and frustrating,

others, insane and not so frustrating...

but its how we get there,

what we make of every second we get,

and how we turn it into our own story of our own lives.

chapter one,

ugh,

here goes...