paid in full

not so very long ago,
and not so far away,
i stood before it, shamelessly,
those days had gone away.
the way i used to feel so bad
about such little things
depended upon my having had
a choice in the charade.
no longer would i feel the need
to be better than i was
from now on i'd simply play the game
risking winning against the loss.
it's really no one else' fault
except for mine,
if i won or lost.
i'd live with that,
i'd take the chance,
i'd pay the price my actions cost.

Mom Catches Son

i've been living most of the last 3 years
sleeping in the bed i grew up in,
in the house i grew up in,
with my family.
many illnesses and bad times made it come to be this way,
and i'm miserable about it...
but last night, i had a date,
and instead of just being an adult, having fun, fucking and enjoying my date,
i got a phone call at 2am from my mom who was crying, wondering where i was.
ugh
it's a nightmare.
wht this story now?
cause i just found this video on youtube,
was appalled shocked and disturbed by it,
and had to share.
lol
ugh.

not one single moment

if i nevr was born,
then i wouldn't have done
so many stupid things
and so many wonderful things.
i don't know if one outweighs the other,
but i know in my heart that
not one single moment did i regret.

just because

another day

as the day died, it became apparent that nothing was going to get done today.
all the plans he had thought he could achieve
were cast out into the breeze,
and the actual idea of him finishing one thing,
making one call,
photoshopping one image,
was impossible.
so, instead of kicking himself,
he decided to lay back,
count it as a wasted day,
and relax.

FUTURE

not once

but twice

i heard him say

enough's enough!

with such dismay.

i tried to get a better look

but he was gone

and this time he took

the rest of it,

every single thing,

nothing was left

nothing more to see.

he'd packed it up

and swooshed it away

now i sit alone

nothing more to say.

-------------

it's more than just a visual,

there's so much more to say,

it starts with sometimes blurred lines

of what it will portray.

it's high def, yet it's home made,

it's slick, yet

has some grain.

it moves in real time,

it doesn't waste

a single second

on disbelief.

like a roller coaster

it goes up and down

has your head spinning

yet in control.

never

he doesn't sleep
he barely stops
it's one more thing
then just one more drop.
it never ends
it barely sits
it's never tidy
it creates his bliss.
it's how he lives
it's the way he does it,
never stopping
endless hours
day and night
and ungodly hours.
but when he's through
he knows it's perfect
the way it should be
the way he worked it.
and if someone
around him says
he's a freak,
it's got to end,
then they haven't seen
the last of him,
for tomorrows just
another day
and one more plan
is what he'll make
to get ahead
to get on top
until the end
and then,
he'll stop.

he'll stop.

one night and one day

it all started swirling,
in my head, in reality.
swirling swirling swirling.
i didn't sleep...
too much noise.
i wasn't awake,
because i was dreaming,
i think,
and i wasn't drunk.
it all moved very slow,
like the ticks of a clock,
waiting and wondering
what would be next.
then he spoke,shattering the idea that i was in fact dreaming,
and brought reality crashing down to it's very core.
it's all been real.
the entire thing,
and Bobby's not waking up this time.
in the time that it took the clock to tock,
everything had changed,
everything's existence was solidified,
and every chance of turning back,
was gone.






lost footage of LIAM, damn when he walked in i almost died.
blue eyed puerto-rican and italian.
good lord.
shot on the 18th story rooftop of the legendary 95 christopher st.
when life was good.

bear prints

Dear Diary,
it's just as good,
if not better than,
the way i thought it would be.
it was magnificent, flawless, unstoppable fun!
the Albany NY Gay Bear party was tonight.
i saw a daddy bear that was hot as fuck,
but he ignored me.
even though i'm feeling fat, i wasn't enough.
i thought before i left i might die tonight got putting up that song i posted earlier.
but no, i am forced to live out longer in this existence of hidousness i call my life.
but i had fun,
went with a "sober" crew...ALWAYS fun.
and am home by 1:00.
Buddy's in bed,
i'm drifting off,
but thought i'd leave some bear prints in the blog tonight.
xo
Joe

Tonight

it's all about tonight.
u might not get tomorrow.
live your life.
enjoy.
give me everything tonight...
u might not get tomorrow.

I Look To A Nicer Me

a bad dance remix is always good.
especially a Whitney one...cause u know bitch hates it and can't do anything about it being out there.
i've been reevaluating my meanness, and well,
i think i should try and be just a tad nicer these days.
try it anyway.
it can't hurt.
being nice is the best way to catch flies my grandmother used to tell me.
and so, i think i will try and begin a new mantra.
i will be nice!
there, i said it.
i can still think anything i want.
winter storms have come
and darkened my sun...
i look to u.
after all my strength is gone,
with u i can be strong.


yawn.
well, i've been nice for about ten minutes now and nothing good has happened to me...
so, maybe i'll just go back to being a nag.
here's some of my classic j/o shoots, Pierre fitch. he walked in, hated me...3 minutes later when he saw how i was shooting him, he loved me. sweet boy.
have a great saturday.
be nice!