it's not right, but it's ok...

it's a nice feeling when one day you wake up,

look around,

and realize that everything you once ran to

and all the things you once ran from,

are nothing more than memories from your past.

knowing that all of the insanity, craziness, heartbreak, and low points

have all added up to that very second and,

when you look around the room,

asses the damage,

and sit down in front of the mirror, and see that,

you're still there.

maybe a little broken,

maybe a few more wrinkles and lines,

maybe a few grey hairs,

if any hairs at all are left,

but the face staring back

is smiling.

a different smile than the young pompous one you once knew,

this one is a smile of a knowledge that,

after all that,

it's ok.

it's not right,

but it's ok...

what becomes a legend most?

people come into your life for a reason.
sometimes the reason is just to annoy you.
but sometimes the reason is to offer you a different perspective on life,
sometimes it's to watch over you,
give you advice,
help you through something,
teach you
or torture you...
any which way, it don't matter...
they come and you change.
and sometimes,
hopefully...
they last.

my dear friend, ex-roommate, brother, sister and gurlfriend,
Miss Glenda, aka, Colton Ford.
what becomes a legend most?
just look,
it's right there in front of  you.

shot today 1-11-13
Jersey City, NJ
on Comunipaw Ave..
2:17pm

Long way home

Long way home

Inbox

x

Joe Oppedisano <joeoppedisano1@gmail.com>	4:47 PM (1 hour ago)
to me

It wasn't until he reached the platform of the train home, when, after the long hideous day had come to basically, an end, that he took a deep breath of mass transit air and for the first time in what seemed like years, felt at ease, and was excited to get back to where he now called "home"...home for now, anyway.
It was not that he wasn't happy where he was, for it was a place that called him into an easy relaxed head space, and a place where the love of his life lay now, anxiously awaiting his return...for he knew he could be in worse situations, as he had been before, it just was he knew deep down in his heart that somewhere out there, there was the place he always dreamed of, a place where his body could completly relax, rest, and be sure that it never had to go anywhere else, ever. He smiled inside and his heart warmed as his eyes swelled with tears. Tears of hope for a brighter future, tears of sadness for the home he once had and tears of sheer pride, for he was finally standing on his own, though wobbly, he was still standing.
That was something he had forgotten the feeling of, and it felt amazing.
This day was tough, but it was done, and he was headed home.

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ready to explode!

all the things he did so far in his life,
all the things he had seen,
people he had met,
places he had traveled, 
and big and small experiences he had had 
that he didn't even remember,
all combined somewhere deep inside
to create the person he was  at this very second.
though not always a model citizen,
his vast knowledge of life was one that could not be second guessed.
it was time now.
he was ready.
he needed to make a move into another direction.
expand and flourish.
if he sat still one more second
he thought he might explode!

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)

Olive - You're Not Alone (Sister Bliss/Rollo Remix)

it wasn't actually until much later that night when he realized that something seemed different. although he couldn't pinpoint  exactly what it was, how or why it was different, exactly, from what he had known before, he just felt it. something had changed. he opened his eyes and looked around the room. nothing seemed out of place...nothing was missing...yet something was there, a presence, unlike anything he had felt before. it wasn't human, nor ghost-like, but it soothed his mind and caressed his soul, making him smile from deep within, letting him know that he was not alone any longer...

and for the first time in years,

he slept peacefully...

 

it was finally beginning to make sense...

it was finally beginning to make sense... 

all the wasted time and all the insanity it had caused him, was really unnecessary. it was one of those things that he could have nipped in the bud, if only he had stepped back and looked at it from another angle.

 another perspective.

but that was all something he could, hopefully, put in the back of his head, and try to move beyond, and forward and make things better. his stubborn ways had gotten the best of him in the past, but his eyes were opened and the errors were realized. you can't be stuck in your old ways forever especially if they aren't working...so, with conscious effort and an open mind, he put his best foot foreword, held hid head a little higher, and walked with more confidence, even though he didn't necessarily feel the way he looked on the outside, it lifted something from someplace deep inside, and let him know that now, at least he could tell himself, for certain, that he was trying his very best.

to be continued...

square one

square one.

where it all begins.

not one of us is perfect, we all make mistakes. 

without knowing it, we hurt the people who love us most. we destroy trusts, break hearts, ruin relationships, break bonds, and compromise everything we have for nothing that matters in the end. it's only when it's too late that we understand the values of what we lost. 

that's where i stand now. on the edge of a cliff, looking out on my past, thankful for what i've been given, resentful for what i lost out of stupidity, disgusted  at some of the ways i handled certain things, and hopeful that now, after i have recognized my faults and been shown their consequences,

i am praying for a second chance to make things right. 

i know i ask a lot, i know it's not going to be easy.

but i am going to try my best, little by little, day by day, to  get back to what i want, so badly.

me.

so, here i stand, at  square one.

alone, tired, scared, nervous, and anxious.

yesterday is gone.

tomorrow is another day.

it's time.

i'm ready.

here i go... 

(Where Do I Begin)

where do i begin?

this time, i'm going to start at the beginning,
from scratch.
one step at a time.
step by step.
day by day.
and i know it's not going to be easy...
i'm not a diva, i'm not above, i'm trying. i'm being honest, to myself. and i think that is at least, the first step in the right direction.
last week was last year. today is the start of a new week, year, beginning...it's time. it's now.
this weekend my eyes opened and saw things that i had forgotten existed in normal everyday life. sweetness, softness, kindness, friendship, and understanding that make the hardest times seem ok. even palatable. people come into your life unexpectedly, without warning or a hint of why they are there, and what they will mean to you and who you will become. so, i thank them, and will learn to respect them more from now on. everything i've ever seen, done, experienced has shown me what i want, what i don't. and so now, i can be certain, for sure, that i am in the right place, at the right time, and will, i promise to no one else but myself that,
this time it's gonna be different.
i promise...

someday, maybe

Maybe one day,
someday, you'll see,
things you think you know about me
are in fact
not to be believed...
they are just illusions
of someone that i used to be.
maybe someday,
tomorrow, maybe?
today will just be history.
and all the things you used to say about me
will be washed away
like a distant memory.

the truth shall set you free

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Remix)

the boy had gone wild, 

                  that was his destiny...

 now, for the whole world to see.

was it possible?                     could it be?

                 

had everything he'd ever known be  

              nothing more than just a dream?                     

his body shook, his twisted mind had somehow mistaken what seemed innocent fun for something much more...he didn't know how to comprehend it. how could someone so jaded, as he, be so blindly lulled into such a sense of peace and security by someone so obviously insincere. his first hint should have been seen more clearly and not second guessed, or sugar coated or made fun of. how did the headlights shine so directly into his eyes and he did not even squint? when did he lose his sense of security, and why, to this? he was not usually someone who let himself be fooled, definitely not someone who was the brunt of jokes, usually the one making the jokes. even exaggerating them and putting an even more twisted twist on their punchlines. but there it was, plain to see.
he was losing his grip on everything he had known and what once seemed secure and stable now felt shaky and crumbled down around his feet. his world was all of a sudden not what he remembered it used to be...it was something different, something dark, something blurry...something he never imagined he would be...someplace he never imagined he could go, somewhere he never, in a million years, thought his road would lead to...

yet, there he was.

and it didn't take him very long

 for him to get there, either...

he decided to close his eyes, for reality was not something he wanted to see. he wasn't comfortable with what his reflection exposed. he wasn't capable of comprehending that maybe, quite possibly, someone had seen the truth, and now, there was nothing he could do to hide the facts that were everything he always hid and ran from.

the truth shall set you free!

really?

"HUNG?" "LIMITS?" "INTO?"

"HUNG?"   "LIMITS?"   "INTO?"

everybody these days is a porn star.

if you don't have a porn clip online somewhere, if not, then, why not?

you must have a pic of your asshole, 

cock, as well a face

(which strangely enough is the one photo people feel nervous about sending)

if you want to get laid.

because, no one nowhere, no how

will even meet for coffee without the solid guarantee that

underneath the Banana Republic 

khakis and oxford,

there is a 9 inch fat swollen party cock and

a bubble butt that matches 

to a handsome chiseled face.

at the same time, the ones who usually ask for everything

are the ones least likely to have clear pics of what they require to send back.

if you go onto Grindr, Scruff, whatever,

you have to make sure that you have set up on your account a way for everyone 

(well, just the ones you want to see)

to see your asshole, cock n face.

or else...

they will stop talking,

and even block you.

the best trick is when someone asks you to open our pics,

and after you do, 

you ask for them to return the favor

but then Grindr tells you 

no such account exists...

because, 

they obviously didn't like what they saw, so...

bye bye.

nothing more.

so this asshole who has just seen 

YOUR asshole, literally,

and hated it..

has had the power to delete and bar you 

from every getting the opportunity 

to judge them back.

and so, 

that's the way the world turns my friends.

be pushy.

be rude,

be obnoxious,

and cowardly.

show everyone your asshole spread eagle,

or else...

some nasty queen will block, 

snub and judge you..

so, deal with it.

cause it aint gonna change.

 

Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time ( Josh Harris remix)

Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time ( Josh Harris remix)


it hadn't been even 24 hours since he said the things he said that he thought were profound.
well, profound enough to put a dent into the huge mess he himself had swore he was never going to be in again. how could he be right back at square one in so little time?
time after time he climbed up, then fell back down. what was left for him now seemed like his only last choice...there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. he had backed himself into a corner, and felt he had nothing left deep inside.
his intentions were always for the best, but his intentions were also not supported by his emotions, which were fragile, or his situation, which was getting worse. usually somewhere along the way, he had had someone else there to push and encourage him...but at this moment he was alone.

he hated to be alone. it was too scary, too easy to fall off track.
but was it, he thought, possible to keep anyone on his side when he wasn't even sure he would be there if he didn't have to be. he would probably have given up on himself too, if he could. it was impossible to ask anyone for anymore. selfish to reach out a hand when he was the one who always pulled away when they reached back...why should anyone be anywhere in his radius when he continued to disappoint them again and again. he had proved them right many times, now it was only up to him to take back the reigns and ride that white horse into the sunset, for the stampede he rode in on had taken another path home, a straight and narrow trail, while his was forever uphill, winding and steep that had no guard rails, only luck that kept him on his path this far.

but his luck was wearing out...
less than 24 hours ago he had hope. now, he wasn't really sure what he had anymore. but, he guessed, it was time he found out.



yesterday, today and tomorrow

Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike - Mammoth(Original Mix)

On Thu, Jan 3, 2013 at 12:59 AM, Gerhard Rheeder <gerhard@observer.co.za> wrote:.

 

Why was 2012 bad for you Joe?

I hope this year brings you much joy

my reply:
it was just very trying in many ways. it killed me. it also showed me that yesterday is gone, today is fleeting, tomorrow there is always hope if you haven't been already jaded by the results of yesterday...



 
tomorrow everything can be just washed away if you believe that today you will in fact, put it behind you and not squander today upset because things didn't work out how you planned.

all over the world, everyone tries to move on or past something hideous they once had to endure. what they forget is that only because that specific thing happened at all, is the only reason you now have the reactions strengths and results of who you are right now at this very moment.
instead,
say thank you.

 

 

http://www.whitechapelgallery.org/exhibitions/this-is-tomorrow

- What About Us

The Saturdays - What About Us (Remix Lyric Video)





what about us doing what we did and not expecting to get caught?
what about the nights we started making love but in the end we just fought?
what about the times i asked too much of you
it seems as if they leave everything up to me
is that the case? is it true?
am i all on my own now?
even though i'm supposed to be with you?
it's time that everything around us
comes crumbling down...
we can't continue doing all the shit we used to do
it makes a mockery of the times when i say
"i love you"






it's time to move on from doing things 
as we always do.
there's signs out there
yet we neglect them and turn away.
but from the warnings i've  detected
there's no more time,
it's gone way beyond decay.